TOTALITARIAN PLEASANTRIESI Shook Robert Mugabe’s Hand and Toured His Wife’s Dairy FarmWORDS AND PHOTOS BY DYLAN CULHANE 
| Clockwise from top left: Zimbabwe First Lady Grace Mugabe, President Robert Mugabe, a presidential guard, and one of Swaziland’s royal princesses. The author is shaking hands with Mr. Mugabe. |
I’d been on the road with Venerable Master Hui Li for two weeks. Li’s a Buddhist monk from Taiwan who has undertaken the task of building orphanages in each of Africa’s 53 bedeviled countries. My idea was to see what sort of grumpy despots crawled out from under their blood-covered boulders as Li went about his mission. And wouldn’t you know, it turned out that the Michael Jordan of the megalomaniacal-tyrant circuit would be making an appearance: Zimbabwe’s president, Robert Mugabe!
Africa, as everyone knows, has orphans like China has dead baby girls. Nowhere is this more evident than in Harare, the capital of Zimbabwe. Mugabe’s 29th year at the country’s helm is in full swing, and since the national inflation rate hit a record 516 quintillion percent (that’s 18 fucking goose eggs) earlier this year, a billion-Zimbabwean-dollar banknote isn’t worth the energy it takes to print it. The US buck has since replaced it, as bark-and-soil broth has replaced food.
The day after we arrived in Harare, Li was scheduled to meet First Lady Grace Mugabe. She would be holding court at her Iron Mask Farm in nearby Mazowe, where Li had arranged to build an orphanage. Genius, right? Move the lonely, hungry babies to where the food and drink is! Kind of. But more on Grace and her farms in a minute.
At sunrise, Li piled us into his Toyota Land Cruiser to go find the Mugabes. When we arrived, Li seemed pleased with the progress being made on the orphanage. Grace showed up right on time, in a cloud of red dust, and emerged from her glossy black SUV with a smile as dazzling as her diamanté sunglasses. She was wearing a charmingly rustic outfit and utilitarian Chanel galoshes and greeted Li in conversational Mandarin. Grace bubbled with optimism and enthusiasm and dove straight into news on the developments at Iron Mask. Despite her borderline satanic media persona, Grace was proving to be an absolutely charming hostess.
A couple hours later, one of the dozen or so queens of Swaziland arrived with one of the Dlamini princesses—an adorable nine-year-old with braids who was wearing a Hello Kitty tracksuit.
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Nov 21, 2009 wrote:
you’ve gone to zimbabwe yet you ’don’t care’ about the plight of the people. just what is the point of this article? to show that you are a massive vacuous self-indulgent twat? because that’s certainly the only thing it achieved. | | Anonymous, on Nov 21, 2009 wrote:
stupid fucking article. what’s the angle? the mugabes are actually nice people because grace has a dairy farm? fuck, they own the country. this article needs better context. who are these people and how do they justify their leadership? they’re unpopular in zimbabwe because they’ve run it into the ground and the only respect they’ve got left is from robert’s victory over ian smith and the UDI. that was 1980. this is a dull piece that fails to offer any insight into the people and country it attempts to document. either dylan culhane didn’t want to write something that would prevent him from going back to Zimbabwe or he is a newbie writer with a beginner’s grasp of journalism. vice is putting out some interesting hard reports these days but this isn’t one of them. try again dylan. maybe next time you won’t come off like the wank at my local video store. i appreciate his opinions, just on movies though. when he talks about something he doesn’t care too much about, he says shit that at worst is dangerous to society and at best is just stupid. | | Anonymous, on Nov 20, 2009 wrote:
’Should everyone abstain from Nestlé products? I’m not really sure (they are yummy), and I don’t really care’
of course you don’t, its not your problem is it? how cool you are to not give a shit about people worse off than you | | Anonymous, on Nov 20, 2009 wrote:
Dairy milk chocolate is made with dairy from her farm | |
| daddybourbon, on Nov 16, 2009 wrote:
i want a hello kitty tracksuit | | Anonymous, on Nov 16, 2009 wrote:
what a completely useless and stupid article...
what was the fucking point ?
what a great farmer mugabe’s wife is?
sorry, but this was simply BAD...
i hope Vice doesn’t pay much for such crap. | |
| enstigator, on Nov 12, 2009 wrote:
that handshake looks almost as impersonal as a bill belichick postgamer. | |
| Mason, on Nov 12, 2009 wrote:
Li was keeping it real - fuckn’ politicians trying to buy good vibes. | | Anonymous, on Nov 11, 2009 wrote:
FIRST!
gO dYLAN!
E-L CAPETOWN | | |
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