MEN AND URINALSAn InvestigationPublished November, 2009 BY CHRISTINA KELLY PHOTOS BY ED ZIPCO
I have been minorly obsessed with urinals for some time now. There are many questions I have pondered for years. Such as: How is it that the males of the species just stand together in groups, with penis in hand, peeing? Is it not awkward to find yourself at the urinal at the same time as your boss or your dad? What is it that men at the urinal talk about? The whole idea of a urinal, especially in a workplace, is just bizarre to me. Are high-level corporate deals being cemented at the urinal, the last place where girls are not allowed? And I’m a little worried that the urinal is the glass ceiling. If so, can we, in fact, blame the entire financial crisis on the urinal?
To illuminate the matter, I contacted a cross section of urinal users. The study was double-blind and highly scientific. Below, the data.
Come on, isn’t it awkward being at the urinal with other people?
“Yeah, it sucks,” says Mishka Shubaly, a writer. “One time, I had to use the stall next to my dad. He looked up, I looked down, and he insisted on carrying on a conversation. But, thank God, I resisted the urge to check out the size of his wang and see who was bigger. There are some things you’re just not meant to know. I mean, I think I’m bigger but it kind of doesn’t matter because Dad’s cock trumps your cock every time.”
Where do you look when you are at the urinal, down or up?
“There is generally an ‘eyes up front’ stance that is adopted at the urinal,” insists Geoff Brown, who works at a Canadian college. “It is strange, but once a dude has got his Johnson out and he has established that his stream is hitting the mark, then it is automatically ‘eyes up front’ and he stares at the wall ten inches in front of his face.”
Not all our study subjects were in agreement. “I look down,” says Mishka. “I think guys like to look up to pretend that what’s happening (i.e., we are taking our dicks in hand while other men are present) isn’t happening, but I like to have good visual contact with my wang to make sure I don’t pee on myself or a candiru doesn’t leap out of the urinal and up my peehole.”
Do you ever sneak a peek?
“There is no peeking. Ever,” says Dan, an artist in Brooklyn. “That’s why there’s an unwritten rule that if you can, you always have one empty urinal between you and someone else. You never just sidle up to a urinal next to someone unless it’s crowded and you have to.” This opinion was echoed by many. “It’s sort of a ‘do unto others’ thing,” says Stuart, a shrink in Brooklyn. Steven Cox and Daniel Silver, the designers of Duckie Brown, are skeptical of this assertion. “I think every guy, gay or straight or whatever, is looking,” says Steven. Daniel adds: “But no straight guy is going to admit it.”
Except for Eben, who owns a boutique real estate firm in Manhattan. “I think I used to sneak peeks when I was less secure of who I am and wanted to see what other people were packing, but now I don’t really care,” he says. “Maybe after doing martial arts for years and seeing a lot of dudes naked in the locker room, dick is no longer interesting. It is interesting how some dudes go out of their way to make sure that you do not see their business. I think that is weirder than sneaking a peek.” Josh Wolk, author of Cabin Pressure, shares this peeking anecdote. “The one time I did I was at the theater, and out of my peripheral vision I saw a guy pee, but then, in shaking the last drops out, he began wildly garroting his member; out of the corner of my eye, it looked like he was beating a snake against a rock. Then he’d stop and do it again. I’ve never seen someone so concerned with getting out every last drop.”
Have you had any urinal mishaps?
“Yes, I had a horrible experience with a urinal when I was in first grade,” says Daniel Silver. “And I don’t think I had ever used a urinal before. I guess I got my dick out to pee in the urinal, and I got too close, and it all shot back at me. My brother had to come get me, and he had to take me home, because it looked like I peed my pants. It was very upsetting.”
This problem apparently does not completely resolve itself with practice. “The most awkward thing about the urinal, in my opinion, is judging the distance to stand back from the urinal pre-stream,” says Geoff. “Splash-back can ruin an outfit. Often the angle of the stream and the ‘convex’ nature of the urinal can cause a fine mist that will pepper the lower half of your torso.” This is something I had not been aware of. “If you don’t realize how much splash-back there is, it will blow your mind to use a urinal in shorts,” says David, a writer in California.
Do you have conversations at the urinal?
“It depends if eye contact is made and the exchange is mutual,” says Geoff. “If you do, then it is usually in an ‘outside voice,’ about really common stuff like HOW ABOUT THAT WEATHER? You definitely wouldn’t lean in to some bro and in a soft, ‘indoor voice’ say, ‘Where did you get your belt?’” Dan had this to say: “It’s totally awkward having a conversation at the urinal, and most people don’t do it. It’s usually guys who feel more awkward, not more confident, like two guys just out of a business meeting, one of them feeling insecure, or, in my experience, on a commercial job with someone you just sort of met but have been working all day with. If there is talking, though, everyone stares straight ahead. I’m surprised they haven’t put TVs above urinals yet. I’ve contemplated the details of typical bathroom tiling way too often.” Apparently, they do sometimes post newspapers above restaurant urinals.
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Feb 4, 2010 wrote:
oh man, urinal mishaps on here are pretty weak.
when i was about 6 i was at the mall with my mom christmas shopping and had to piss. probably one of the first times i had used a public restroom by myself not in school. i walk in and theres a ton of people in there and i immediately see a dude squating on a urinal. this old, stoggy head, seemed like a pretty big asshole. finishes while i’m still in line waiting for a toilet or urinal, gets up, DOESN’T WIPE, and says, ’fucking had to shit. god damn toilets were being used.’
needless to say i ended up using one of the other urinals and happened to check a glance at the one he had used, and sure enough, a HUGE steamer just hanging out on top of those cake grill things they have. FUCKING NASTY | | Anonymous, on Jan 26, 2010 wrote:
i love pissing in urnals because i can see other dicks and you can rub mine and i can scweeze our big sexy hairy dick and fuck it and suck it bitches | | Anonymous, on Jan 24, 2010 wrote:
i hate urinals and i hate my boyfriend using them i hate the thought of his bits on show and others having a peek... so religously just for me he always uses a cubicle and he is comfortable with this. | | Anonymous, on Dec 30, 2009 wrote:
me chinese, me play joke,me go pee pee in your coke. | | Anonymous, on Dec 23, 2009 wrote:
My friend peed next to Tom Araya from Slayer
Hard x core kiddies | |
| listenn2lsayer, on Dec 15, 2009 wrote:
Always resenting guys on bathroom lines and wishing i could pee standing up. The jargon and concept of whipping out ones genitals in public without the safety haven of a stall is quite bewildering. So i guess when i get jealous, i know that i get to hide in the stall at least! I would totally get stage fright! | | Anonymous, on Dec 14, 2009 wrote:
vvv
Word of advice, stay away from the Do/Don’t comments. | | Anonymous, on Dec 12, 2009 wrote:
I just discovered this site- the comments are fifty times fucking funnier than the articles | | Anonymous, on Dec 10, 2009 wrote:
I meant urinal | | Anonymous, on Dec 10, 2009 wrote:
About farting at the stall. Totally acceptable. The bathroom is the place for it. There was an executive at the place I work who regularly let. them. RIP. I mean RIP. If I had to spell it it would be BRRAAAAP.
A co-worker said he was pissing at the next urinal and was amazed at the sheer power of his fart and said "God DAMN! Let ’er rip!". The executive wasn’t amused and apparently not proud either. | | Anonymous, on Dec 9, 2009 wrote:
i just wear adult diapers and let my girlfriend change them when i get home. she’s way into the whole adult baby scene. | | Anonymous, on Dec 6, 2009 wrote:
Ladies, If ya wanna see typical urinal behavior, watch re-runs of "ER". They have urinal scenes all the time. | |
| Beef, on Dec 2, 2009 wrote:
What if my boss comes in? He’s gonna piss and I’m gonna piss. Then, we’re both gonna wash our hands and leave the fucking bathroom. How is that hard to comprehend? | | Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2009 wrote:
i’m just glad to have outtie genitalia. some of you are overanalyzing to the point of making me question your sexuality. i pee when i have to pee. stage fright is for actors. | | Anonymous, on Nov 30, 2009 wrote:
Man, finally some sensible light and answers. | | Anonymous, on Nov 30, 2009 wrote:
All I’m saying is, If you go to Asia, quad strength pays off. Half the crappers are literally holes in the ground. | | Anonymous, on Nov 26, 2009 wrote:
No-one’s mentioned the vicious circle of the expanding puddle. Beneath the urinal is the puddle of piss of those who are grievously indifferent or cretinous; you stand at its perimeter so as not to soak in it. You must expell with greater force to bridge the greater hiatus. Always some piss will fall in the gap at the end, thus creating a larger puddle for the next person. | |
| rufiomania, on Nov 24, 2009 wrote:
whoever you are that said something about their coworker holding their dick in paper towels when he pees. just how did you know about this? | | Anonymous, on Nov 24, 2009 wrote:
I agree with anonymous | | Anonymous, on Nov 24, 2009 wrote:
Who were you talking to when you asked these questions. Urinals are just a quick easy way to pee. I can only speak for myself, but peeing in a urinal is no big deal. I did not realize that so many others were that insecure. It’s just peeing, everyone does it. Relax | | Anonymous, on Nov 23, 2009 wrote:
To the person who noted how unsanitary toilet seats are...we don’t sit down. Most women squat in public restrooms. | | Anonymous, on Nov 23, 2009 wrote:
Fascinating stuff! Brings to mind stories of a man in my office building who holds his penis with paper towels while he pees. Strange... | | Anonymous, on Nov 23, 2009 wrote:
Thank you for this article. This is one of those things I’ve always wondered but never wanted to ask. I love it.
My friend adds: "Don’t forget about the puddle. Never, ever, touch the bottom of a man’s shoe unless it just came out of the box." | | Anonymous, on Nov 22, 2009 wrote:
They have these awesome urinals in Amsterdam that, when seen from above, are shaped like a + sign and there’s a small hole in each of the four corners at waist level. They’re on the street corners and they’re better than urinals because there’s no awkwardness and they’re totally private. We need more of these. | | Anonymous, on Nov 21, 2009 wrote:
No, no. Pretty sure that farting when you sit down to pee (for women) is pretty normal. | | Anonymous, on Nov 21, 2009 wrote:
To the woman who has to pass gas every time she uses the bathroom - you might want to see a doctor. Contrary to what you think, that is not normal. | | Anonymous, on Nov 20, 2009 wrote:
As a curious woman, I definitely appreciate this article...Seriously guys, I think thats who this article was directed towards | | Anonymous, on Nov 20, 2009 wrote:
i think that pretty much everyone farts when they go to the bathroom. when you empty your bladder, it relieves pressure on your stomach, and that causes gas. as a woman, my trick is to simply fart silently before i sit down, because once you are seated the toilet bowl amplifies any noise you might make. | | Anonymous, on Nov 20, 2009 wrote:
Why use a urinal instead of a stall? Seriously? Have you ever seen the state of most public toilets? Much more sanitary to just use a urinal instead of coming into contact with a toilet seat. Moron. What a pointless article. | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
asdfasdf | | | Next 30 comments > |
| |
