MEN AND URINALSAn InvestigationBY CHRISTINA KELLY PHOTOS BY ED ZIPCO
I have been minorly obsessed with urinals for some time now. There are many questions I have pondered for years. Such as: How is it that the males of the species just stand together in groups, with penis in hand, peeing? Is it not awkward to find yourself at the urinal at the same time as your boss or your dad? What is it that men at the urinal talk about? The whole idea of a urinal, especially in a workplace, is just bizarre to me. Are high-level corporate deals being cemented at the urinal, the last place where girls are not allowed? And I’m a little worried that the urinal is the glass ceiling. If so, can we, in fact, blame the entire financial crisis on the urinal?
To illuminate the matter, I contacted a cross section of urinal users. The study was double-blind and highly scientific. Below, the data.
Come on, isn’t it awkward being at the urinal with other people?
“Yeah, it sucks,” says Mishka Shubaly, a writer. “One time, I had to use the stall next to my dad. He looked up, I looked down, and he insisted on carrying on a conversation. But, thank God, I resisted the urge to check out the size of his wang and see who was bigger. There are some things you’re just not meant to know. I mean, I think I’m bigger but it kind of doesn’t matter because Dad’s cock trumps your cock every time.”
Where do you look when you are at the urinal, down or up?
“There is generally an ‘eyes up front’ stance that is adopted at the urinal,” insists Geoff Brown, who works at a Canadian college. “It is strange, but once a dude has got his Johnson out and he has established that his stream is hitting the mark, then it is automatically ‘eyes up front’ and he stares at the wall ten inches in front of his face.”
Not all our study subjects were in agreement. “I look down,” says Mishka. “I think guys like to look up to pretend that what’s happening (i.e., we are taking our dicks in hand while other men are present) isn’t happening, but I like to have good visual contact with my wang to make sure I don’t pee on myself or a candiru doesn’t leap out of the urinal and up my peehole.”
Do you ever sneak a peek?
“There is no peeking. Ever,” says Dan, an artist in Brooklyn. “That’s why there’s an unwritten rule that if you can, you always have one empty urinal between you and someone else. You never just sidle up to a urinal next to someone unless it’s crowded and you have to.” This opinion was echoed by many. “It’s sort of a ‘do unto others’ thing,” says Stuart, a shrink in Brooklyn. Steven Cox and Daniel Silver, the designers of Duckie Brown, are skeptical of this assertion. “I think every guy, gay or straight or whatever, is looking,” says Steven. Daniel adds: “But no straight guy is going to admit it.”
Except for Eben, who owns a boutique real estate firm in Manhattan. “I think I used to sneak peeks when I was less secure of who I am and wanted to see what other people were packing, but now I don’t really care,” he says. “Maybe after doing martial arts for years and seeing a lot of dudes naked in the locker room, dick is no longer interesting. It is interesting how some dudes go out of their way to make sure that you do not see their business. I think that is weirder than sneaking a peek.” Josh Wolk, author of Cabin Pressure, shares this peeking anecdote. “The one time I did I was at the theater, and out of my peripheral vision I saw a guy pee, but then, in shaking the last drops out, he began wildly garroting his member; out of the corner of my eye, it looked like he was beating a snake against a rock. Then he’d stop and do it again. I’ve never seen someone so concerned with getting out every last drop.”
Have you had any urinal mishaps?
“Yes, I had a horrible experience with a urinal when I was in first grade,” says Daniel Silver. “And I don’t think I had ever used a urinal before. I guess I got my dick out to pee in the urinal, and I got too close, and it all shot back at me. My brother had to come get me, and he had to take me home, because it looked like I peed my pants. It was very upsetting.”
This problem apparently does not completely resolve itself with practice. “The most awkward thing about the urinal, in my opinion, is judging the distance to stand back from the urinal pre-stream,” says Geoff. “Splash-back can ruin an outfit. Often the angle of the stream and the ‘convex’ nature of the urinal can cause a fine mist that will pepper the lower half of your torso.” This is something I had not been aware of. “If you don’t realize how much splash-back there is, it will blow your mind to use a urinal in shorts,” says David, a writer in California.
Do you have conversations at the urinal?
“It depends if eye contact is made and the exchange is mutual,” says Geoff. “If you do, then it is usually in an ‘outside voice,’ about really common stuff like HOW ABOUT THAT WEATHER? You definitely wouldn’t lean in to some bro and in a soft, ‘indoor voice’ say, ‘Where did you get your belt?’” Dan had this to say: “It’s totally awkward having a conversation at the urinal, and most people don’t do it. It’s usually guys who feel more awkward, not more confident, like two guys just out of a business meeting, one of them feeling insecure, or, in my experience, on a commercial job with someone you just sort of met but have been working all day with. If there is talking, though, everyone stares straight ahead. I’m surprised they haven’t put TVs above urinals yet. I’ve contemplated the details of typical bathroom tiling way too often.” Apparently, they do sometimes post newspapers above restaurant urinals.
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Nov 21, 2009 wrote:
No, no. Pretty sure that farting when you sit down to pee (for women) is pretty normal. | | Anonymous, on Nov 21, 2009 wrote:
To the woman who has to pass gas every time she uses the bathroom - you might want to see a doctor. Contrary to what you think, that is not normal. | | Anonymous, on Nov 20, 2009 wrote:
As a curious woman, I definitely appreciate this article...Seriously guys, I think thats who this article was directed towards | | Anonymous, on Nov 20, 2009 wrote:
i think that pretty much everyone farts when they go to the bathroom. when you empty your bladder, it relieves pressure on your stomach, and that causes gas. as a woman, my trick is to simply fart silently before i sit down, because once you are seated the toilet bowl amplifies any noise you might make. | | Anonymous, on Nov 20, 2009 wrote:
Why use a urinal instead of a stall? Seriously? Have you ever seen the state of most public toilets? Much more sanitary to just use a urinal instead of coming into contact with a toilet seat. Moron. What a pointless article. | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
asdfasdf | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
very boring. also who cares | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
I once used a very long urinal at a motorway stop. As I entered there were two empty spots in the middle, all the rest were in use, so I stood in silence like everyone else doing my thing. Suddenly, a very short tubby bloke moves in next to me, standing 6 inches further away from the wall than everyone else. He un-zips his flies but doesn’t pull anything out, and then stands there with his hands on his hips making the loudest pissing noise you ever heard. Obviously I couldn’t peek, but out of my peripheral vision it looked like flow was coming straight out of his flies. The sheer force of his urinal stream meant that he was finished very quickly, he then left as rapidly as he had appeared. At which point my all of my fellow travellers burst out laughing. Poor chap, he may not have had much of a cock, but he certainly had balls. | |
| Kirby Puckett, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
I remember the first time I went to a college football game and pissed in a circular trough. Trough-pissing is weird enough to begin with but when the "look directly ahead" rule means you’re looking at another guy it takes it to an entirely new level of awkwardness. | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
Completely fucking rad article. | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
Talked to my girlfriend about this the other day. You’ve got to be pretty secure in your masculinity to not give a shit at the urinal. A lot of guys will even press up against it if another dude is nearby, their hips pressed up against the porcelain and bits hanging down in the concave area, so there’s absolutely no chance, even if a guy looks, of their dick being seen. Then there are dudes who can’t go without using a stall; talk about insecure! And invariably, some of those guys take their insecurity out on the toilet, pissing all over the seat. No guy’s sitting down just to take a piss--which makes those toilet seat covers seem way more practical. | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
Why don’t they just make the walls on the stalls higher? | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
@ dannycliffe... a vampire? watch a little less twilight. Grow up! | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
i really want my own urinal | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
i always use the stall. i hate urinals. theres nothing worse than pissing in a urinal only to look down and check whats going on to have a gust of 10 other mens piss stench stir up into the air and up your nose. also, i don’t want anyone seeing my sausage dick, or any back splash touching the skin of my dick, you never know what disease lurks in there. in grade 1, if nobody else was in the washroom, i’d just pee in the middle of the washroom floor, it was easier that way. the urinals at our school flushed automaticaly, so they’d pretty much just go off at random with this huge 5 urinal all at once flush and scare the crap out of you. also, when you’re a kid, and dudes peak at you, not cool, it happened to me a few times in public. yeah, stalls for the win. | |
| dannycliffe, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
going the loo is so fucking fraught. i wish i was a vampire who didn’t have a proper digestive or urinary system | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
i went through a stage of pretty heavy ectasy use when it actually contained mdma in the nineties. While your high sometimes it can be really hard to piss even though you want to badly (sometimes took me up to half an hour). This kind of got into my head so now even pissing on my own is still a slight mental battle. I have to use a stall alot of the time so i can concentrate on what i’m doing. I aint no pussy it just seems like my brain has fogotten one of its most basic functions. I use a stall alot of the time because standing in public staring at your cock willing it to piss while ing slightly red face as if jacking off going isn’t really socially acceptable at the urrinal. | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
One reason men don’t "Just start using stalls." Up until you start college, there is no front wall on the stalls in the men’s room. They are wide open. No door, no place to mount one or anything. Just the dividers between, often those dividers are SHORTER than in the girls room. By high school, the tallest of the boys can often see over them anyway.
This teaches men from early on not to use the stall unless there is no alternative.
There is more privacy using the sink!!! | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
Its all about grabbing you friend by the shoulders when he is having a piss at a urinal and spinning him around thus causing him to piss everywhere. It hilarious. | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
Fascinating. I’ve always wondered about urinals.... | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
my friends and I have wondered about urinal politics for so long!
ive seen some great flower shaped ones as well!! | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
I _love_ the kind that goes all the way into the floor. I wish I could have one at home like that. | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
No one said that being a stall user was absolutely wrong... every person regardless of sexual orientation goes through some sort of insecure period in their lives, especially during teen or pre-teen years. We just grow up learn to adapt and move on. So grow up | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
Public restrooms can be a scary place for the gay man who considers himself to be transgendered. Like forcing a woman to use the men’s restroom and vice versa. This was a big issue for me in high school locker rooms as well. I still get anxiety using a urinal in a public restroom if there are any other men in the room with me and for this reason I will sometimes opt to use a stall if the restroom is particularly crowded. So anyone who thinks the stall users are weird can eat a bag of dicks. | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
fart silently while walking very quickly... since according to the rules you can’t do it in the men’s room, I say do it anywhere! in public places where the sheer number of people disguises where the smell came from! | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
I say fart away! If you can’t fart in the bathroom then where the hell CAN you fart? | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
If you get stage fright, blow on your dick - it works! ... I saw that on My Name is Earl | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
Oh my... Men deal with this issue by having rules. These rules need not be written but here they are anyway:
1. Do not talk to anyone in the bathroom.
2. Do not make eye contact in the bathroom.
3. If no one is using a urinal, use the one farthest in the corner so as to allow the next user to stand as far away from you in the opposite corner.
4. If someone is using a urinal use the urinal farthest from that person.
5. Never use a urinal directly adjacent to someone else. If there are no available urinals that are not adjacent then wait until there are...
Those are the rules. To understand the rules is to understand man. | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
Didn’t your mother teach you to always go to the restroom to fart?!? | | Anonymous, on Nov 19, 2009 wrote:
Prolly one of the worst topics i’ve ever not fully read. Just downright a weakass bitch topic. | | | Next 30 comments > |
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