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VICE MAILLetters - The Goat Demon IssueALOHA, MEAT PRODUCT Dear Vice, I keep on imagining you doing a Hawaii Issue. Will that ever happen? If it does, I could help you a lot. I have a band on the Big Island that I would like you to do an article on. They’re called the Lil Sultans and they’re a children’s band. They’re an all-girl feminist band, ages three to ten, from the Kalapana area on the Big Island of Hawaii. Their music is like Tiny Style, which is when children play children’s music for other kids. They’re kind of inspired by Blackk Wainbow Records; some of their music is like children’s black metal. A lot of it is ambient experimental vocal music, though, almost like children’s chants. It’s in the oral tradition that many Hawaiian songs were passed down in. These are all comedy chants, though, nothing too serious. I was picturing their music being popular with the Puna gay crowd on the Big Island because their two main songs are called “Old Man Butthole” and “The Pounding Sound.” They also have a song called “MacGillicutty’s Crisp,” which is about when you draw two eyes and a nose on your chin, then cover up your nose and mouth and turn your head upside down to face somebody and talk out of your mouth. I guess my brother and I call that MacGillicutty. Anyway, the song is about MacGillicutty as a sexual fetish. Like for oral sex. MacGillicutty is the gay move, because it always looks really silly, and then the straight move is called Mohini, and that’s if you know someone who is an artist who can draw a beautiful MacGillicutty. I’m interested in MacGillicutty throughout the ages, like I’d be interested to know if the Chinese ever practiced MacGillicutty throughout history, or even if the Hawaiians ever came to draw MacGillicutty. I’ve pictured Heiau dedicated to the practice of MacGillicutty. There has NEVER been an underground/psychedelic band from Hawaii until now. At least not one that says they’re from Hawaii. I emailed ...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead a while ago and they said that some of the people from their band lived on Oahu for a while, but there has never been a band really from Hawaii until now. Lil Sultans’s music is really local, with songs like “Hoto Boto” and “Ba Killas Botos Trillas.” Boto means “penis” in the Philippines, and there are many Filipinos in Hawaii. Ba is the heart chakra in Egyptian (I read about it in The Western Lands by William Burroughs). And you likely know what a trill on a flute is. So that’s a sex song about human sacrifice. Someone told me that hoto means “gay” in Spanish, so that’s a song calling me a gay dick. All the songs are written by my brother. They released an album in winter 2008 called Muskets. Another name for the album was Haole Spirituals, though, like Negro spirituals but about haoles. Because the haole in Hawaii is like a Negro in the South. A haole is what white people are called in Hawaii. TOMAS SANCHEZ via email We can’t decide if children’s black metal sounds pukey or cute or good or bad or what. But hey, God bless. All we really know about Hawaii is Spam. The kind you eat, not the kind that you get in email. We’ve heard you guys love Spam. Want to know who else loves Spam? Us! In fact, there’s a place that calls itself a Hawaiian barbecue near my house (let’s just drop that “royal we” thing, shall we?) and what I get when I order from them is ramen with Spam and then also Spam musubi, which, as I am sure you know, is basically Spam with sushi rice, wrapped in seaweed. If there is a better dish in the world, I have yet to find it. I also like that Aloha Drink brand soda they have at this place. Is that really Hawaiian, or are they bullshitting me? WISH GRANTED To Whomever May Open This Email, I think you’re a lucky son of a bitch for getting first look at these pictures. I cuss only because I assume you must be kickass and won’t take offense to my potty mouth. BUT on the real, my name is Laura Kussman, student at Gonzaga University in Florence, Italy, and future pit-bull owner, splatter-paint professional, and Vietnam trivia master extraordinaire. All introductions aside—I want to be in Vice magazine. REALLY BAD. I don’t know how this works, really, or even where my picture(s) would be placed in the published issue, but I figured I’d give it a try. Attached are pictures of yours truly, and even though I assume the main purpose of the pictures in your magazine is to highlight the photographer, not specifically the girl/guy/model being photographed, I still hope you consider them. Feel free to email me back to denounce my efforts/say thanks, but no thanks/agree to publish/any of the above. It would be GREATLY appreciated. Side note (and most importantly): The real reason for me trying all this is I want my friend Blake to see me in the next issue. It’s his absolute favorite magazine—undoubtedly—and since I’m heading back to school in Italy here in about a month, it would not only be the perfect timing but also a sweet-ass gift for him. I seriously think he would die of joy. Best moment of BOTH of our Vice-reading careers. I will just send a couple pictures, but I have more outside and pool ones if needed. PLEASE CONSIDER! If at all possible. Thank you for your time. LAURA KUSSMAN via email  We were definitely going to read your letter, but then we saw that you have your tits out in the photos you sent us and we just went, “Oh look, tits,” and the letter turned into a bunch of weird hieroglyphs. Erratum: In the article a couple of issues back where Chris Nieratko did a makeover on the pro skater Marisa del Santos, we mistakenly attributed a statement to the photographer regarding a reaction to the shoot. This statement was never made by said photographer. This is a retraction of that.
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