NEWSLETTER

by richard wang

Photo: Universal Pictures/Photofest

Am I the only person who saw that movie The Cowboy Way? Maybe you saw City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold and figured cowboy-anything died the day Billy Crystal dared touch it (twice). But The Cowboy Way is better! It’s raunchier and stupider and has that certain only-in-the-movies retardedness I like. It stars two cowboys played by Woody Harrelson and Kiefer Sutherland who are rodeo stars in New Mexico but have to go to New York City to solve a mystery. Hilarity ensues.

The Woody Harrelson cowboy is named “Pepper” and he appears nude twice in the movie, if you like that kind of thing. I did. His name is so dumb, and worse is that when he is in trouble, he eats this little pepper he has hanging from a necklace à la Popeye. Why? ’Cause he’s wacky! He is the loud, sexy, and loose-cannon cowboy. His cowboy pardner is the boring Kiefer Sutherland who is the nerd one and looks like Magnum, PI but blond. They live with a wise old Mexican butler who in the movie claims to be Cuban, but in reality I’m sure he’s Mexican because how many Cubans are living on a ranch in New Mexico, and also how many Cubans have the unfortunate name “Nacho”? Anyhow, Nacho pays $5,000 for some gangsters to smuggle his daughter out of Cuba and into a sweatshop in Queens. She is so bad at sewing she stabs her finger after just looking at the sewing machine. The main gangster then makes her wear a fancier dress and puts her to work at his brothel above a bar on Roosevelt Avenue. Then he calls Nacho and says it’s gonna be $10,000. So Nacho gets in a truck right away with the money, and the cowboys go looking for him when he doesn’t come back. (Spoiler: He gets killed!)

So what does a cowboy do on his first night in New York? Well, after checking in to the Waldorf, they go to the restaurant and order steaks and red wine “not too sweet… American. And throw a few ice cubes in it.” The other diners are shocked, then relieved that they aren’t wearing monocles, which would have dropped into their champagne glasses. Then Pepper, for unknown reasons, starts giving the wine bottle a blowjob like Madonna with her Evian in Truth or Dare. Maybe it’s foreshadowing for a big scene at the end of the movie, or maybe he is just trying to be cool like Madonna. Whatever the case, it causes a lady playing the cello to drop her bow, so he winks at her. Then a fashion lady with a red flattop hairstyle gets all squirmy sexy in her chair, then slinks over and drops Pepper her card.

The fashion lady introduces Pepper to two French gays (who instantly love him) at this club where musclemen parade around onstage with a bald lady model. Their music is En Vogue. The gays offer him an undisclosed amount of money to pose for underwear pictures, but he says, “No way, I am not a gay!” So he leaves and gets on with the mystery-solving business.

The cowboys go to Queens to find the brothel, but they get beaten up by a pair of Puerto Rican thugs. So they kidnap a homeless person who hangs out in front of the brothel/bar and squeeze him for information. This information leads to them kidnapping one of the Puerto Ricans, who is immune to regular interrogation techniques. He simply will not tell where Nacho’s daughter has been taken. Little does he know, however, that there is a “cowboy way” of getting information out of a man. How it works is simple: You take the guy and tie him to a post in the Central Park Zoo. Then you take off his pants while your partner holds a starving baby cow at bay. Then you ask your question and if he says, “No way, I’m not telling,” you unleash the baby cow to give him a blowjob. With the cowboy way, nobody gets hurt, and the bloody production numbers are over. Really, though, it’s just another act of violence. Also it is a very complicated fetish that involves cowboys, Puerto Ricans, animals, bondage, torture, and rape. Someone in Germany is going to excuse themselves to rent this movie now.

The information leads them right to the girl. Then it’s like a video game where they have to fight the main boss guy before they can save the girl. The boss guy takes her at gunpoint to an elevated train platform and our heroes are stuck on the other side of the tracks. Luckily they are rodeo champs, and their cowboy skills come to save almost everyone again. This time Kiefer Sutherland gets in on the action and makes a lasso out of an orange extension cord and manages to catch the bad guy but not the girl. Before the gang boss can scream for help, the cowboys tie the other end of the cord to the back of a subway car, and they have him dragged to his death along the elevated tracks.

Since nobody seems to notice that a dead guy is being dragged behind the 7 train, the cowboys take lady Nacho and drive away into the sunset. End of movie! I know I gave away all the best scenes, but this kind of movie is immune to that. Go see it while it’s still in theaters! It’s like spoiled milk—you want to smell it even though you know it’s curdled.

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Comments

Anonymous, on Oct 29, 2009 wrote: i must have been ten when i first saw this movie. the scene that stuck with me the most is when pepper is interrupted while having sex with his lady for some reason and he goes outside with his hat over his junk and he lets go and it stays in place. i didn’t get it at the time, but the fact that i remember it more than anything else should have told me that i was gay a long time ago.
	duck duck goose, on Oct 28, 2009 wrote: it cracks me up to see woody harrelson on a horse. kiefer sutherland i can understand, but woody not so much. i mean, the guy grows pot and played a character with his own name on cheers.
	lazy eyez killa, on Oct 28, 2009 wrote: pepper might be the most perfect cowboy name ever.
	sketchballer, on Oct 28, 2009 wrote: who would’ve thought that fifteen years later kiefer would be more famous than his daddy? not me.
Anonymous, on Oct 28, 2009 wrote: when i worked at a restaurant i had people ask for ice for their wine a few times. i never understood these idiots.
Anonymous, on Oct 28, 2009 wrote: See? Why you want a LeBaron Coupe when you can ride a horse?
	megabreath, on Oct 28, 2009 wrote: damn. horsey on the left looks like he’s about to shit all over the bridge.
Anonymous, on Oct 21, 2009 wrote: you can ride horses in prospect park. i learned this by almost shitting a brick when one went right past me.
Anonymous, on Oct 21, 2009 wrote: i wish i could ride a horse through manhattan on a daily basis
Anonymous, on Oct 19, 2009 wrote: Omitted: The Ernie Hudson cop "my great grandfather (or some such bullshit) was a black cowboy and I always wanted to be one too, but I’m a cop instead, gee, can I join you guys?" part. Its one of those movies with a bunch of at least fairly alright actors in it (Luis Guzman, Woody, Dylan McDermott, Erinie Hudson) who must just squeeze their eyes shut really tight, or shrug with a weak smile when they think about it. It is a very stupid movie. See also "Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man".
Anonymous, on Oct 19, 2009 wrote: this looks so funny. where can i rent this!!
Anonymous, on Oct 16, 2009 wrote: yeah but they make it work
Anonymous, on Oct 16, 2009 wrote: of course vice would make up a 1994 issue for fun.... tard time!
Anonymous, on Oct 16, 2009 wrote: riding a horse just makes you more badass
Anonymous, on Oct 15, 2009 wrote: Not much says ’94 like a Caprice Classic.
Anonymous, on Oct 14, 2009 wrote: I may have seen this in a theater accidently-the ’90’s were like that.
Anonymous, on Oct 14, 2009 wrote: like genuine ride it my pony
Anonymous, on Oct 14, 2009 wrote: im all about riding ponies
	captain cheesepuff, on Oct 13, 2009 wrote: "Tip: There is no secret 1994 issue. They made it up for fun." i hope someone told the sperm that became you that there was no santa when he was only a baby sperm.
Anonymous, on Oct 12, 2009 wrote: a cowboy named pepper? i like it.
	alligator123, on Oct 12, 2009 wrote: fuck you, anon below.
Anonymous, on Oct 11, 2009 wrote: Tip: There is no secret 1994 issue. They made it up for fun.
Anonymous, on Oct 8, 2009 wrote: Richard Wang! Hahahahahahaha
Anonymous, on Oct 8, 2009 wrote: Woody was becoming a pothead legend and Kiefer would go on to become a pothead slang legend. Little did they know back when there were kicking ass in the Big Apple.