Published October, 2009
BY LISA CRYSTAL CARVER
We look to pop icons to find our opposite, to break us out of our identity shells. I listen to Iggy Stooge and am transformed into a tofu-and-heroin-driven insanity gymnast. In real life, I am none of those things. Through Iggy, for a few minutes or hours, my intellect is trumped by raw power.
Lisa Loeb, on the other hand—I don’t like her, I don’t dislike her. I don’t even see her. Ergo, according to my theory, the reason I don’t see/hear her is because I am her. I am perfect inside. I am a fairy princess with a superior vocabulary. Also: lithe, compact, and gentle must be I, in body, voice, and lyric. I obviously also own oodles of fancy friends and radiate skewed purity.
There is a different type of good girl I do like, need, and fantasize uncontrollably about: Olivia Newton-John, because she is loyal and submissive. I am neither. Nor is Lisa Loeb, at least not as the symbol she represents (in our culture, singers are trash and we’re crows). “Do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?” LL sings to some poor guy she’s still living with. She doesn’t even glance his way, she doesn’t care—that’s why she doesn’t know if he’s breathing. Yikes! Good girl got pushed too far.
I listen to Olivia Newton-John and actually believe, in the fading ripples of her lilting words, that I could be a good girlfriend, even after the lovin’. I listen to Iggy and fire licks at my heels, pushing me outward into the dark, and to the unnatural light of the city. I use them the way my busted Irish drunken male friends use Lisa Loeb... as a tunnel out of where I actually am.
For the drunkest, Irishest of the lovers of imaginary Lisa Loeb, she croons the soundtrack to his girlfriend’s abortion, and the obliteration of its ugliness. If only the bespectacled brunette would glide out of her video and into his mess of a life, his mess of a heart, and love him back, then he would be transformed into the good man he would be if only he weren’t so bad. He’d never beat anyone up again.
For a high-powered businessman whose life is dedicated to backstabbing deals, only one obsession interferes: Lisa Loeb. A hint of the siren call from the little girl who means no harm, and this DC hard-ass abandons his priorities and his company and turns into a West Coast schoolboy ditching class to catch a wave.
From atop lofty anthropological headquarters on Mount Porno, a prevert (yes, prevert) observes the people below scrambling down the portal to anarchy that Lisa Loeb represents to them, what with her barren apartment and tilted glasses.
After speaking to LL, I realize that even if any of these gentlemen did snatch her and somehow make her love him, it probably wouldn’t do a damn thing to his life or his character. She is a human being busy with business and just... stuff; she’s not a lyric, not a ticket out. I hope the poor guys I interviewed here never read what follows and find out. That’s why I think no singers should ever be interviewed again. We don’t need to kill our idols—just lock them away.
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Jan 31, 2010 wrote:
guys liked loeb simply cuz she was fucking hot. have you seen her lately? she must be like 50 or something and still smokin! | | Anonymous, on Oct 30, 2009 wrote:
she was the winiest bitch in the nineties. | | Anonymous, on Oct 23, 2009 wrote:
she used to be hot | | Anonymous, on Oct 22, 2009 wrote:
This article makes me sad. I was 4/5 in 1994, and while in the years approaching my peers idolized the Spice Girls and the like, I held on dearly to my Lisa Loeb. She made me feel alright being an introspective individual and helped shaped my ideas of what it is to be a "strong woman" later in life. I even had a fake pair of glasses in second grade while I performed "Stay" for my school’s talent show (everyone else either lipsanc or came up with shitty dances to n’sync). So.... I just want to say thank you, Lisa Loeb. You never meant anything dirty or vulgar to me, and many others. No matter what the dudes in this article are quoted as saying.
-Alex | |
| KiloDeltaNovember, on Oct 22, 2009 wrote:
Egad, there’s an abundance of anonymity here in the Comments section. How can you ardently state “she’s hot”, and stand by it in the face of others’ potential judgment, without putting a/your name (albeit a screen name) to it? | | Anonymous, on Oct 21, 2009 wrote:
I would do her | |
| KlonopinCocktail, on Oct 19, 2009 wrote:
Did anyone see Lisa Loeb’s "Number One Single" show when she was wearing a thong? Also, next weekend I’m hanging out with Lisa Suckdog! | | Anonymous, on Oct 19, 2009 wrote:
way to pinpoint the lowest point of a decade. The song’s ok, but i’d never seen the video before. This kind of spoilt, average looking slapper is why the rest of the world hates the US. I’m with the curmudgeon. Porn is much more preferable to this. | | Anonymous, on Oct 16, 2009 wrote:
she has the most perfect skin in real life. | | Anonymous, on Oct 15, 2009 wrote:
am i embarrassed that i once thought she was hot? no i’m not. i am embarrassed that i liked her music, though. | | Anonymous, on Oct 15, 2009 wrote:
mmm i’ll lick that thong | | Anonymous, on Oct 15, 2009 wrote:
she says i only hear what i want to but i certainly didn’t want to hear her and i couldn’t escape it in 1994. | |
| tammy faye, on Oct 15, 2009 wrote:
reality bites and so does "stay." | | Anonymous, on Oct 14, 2009 wrote:
like fire. I’m sure you guys will think the same thing 15 years from now when the kids are making fun of the 13 year old boy women with shit hair ya’ll are so fond of shagging now. | | Anonymous, on Oct 14, 2009 wrote:
lisa loeb
| | Anonymous, on Oct 13, 2009 wrote:
"shes hot. I dont care, judge me all you want. but she’s hot"
oh really? look at the third picture and imagine that every time you’re about to bust your nut. | | Anonymous, on Oct 13, 2009 wrote:
her taking off her glasses would be like jennifer grey getting a nose job. whoops! | | Anonymous, on Oct 13, 2009 wrote:
i will always remember her as the girl every guy wondered what would look like without the glasses but now that i’m older i’m pretty sure they were on her face for a damn fine reason. | | Anonymous, on Oct 12, 2009 wrote:
shes hot. I dont care, judge me all you want. but she’s hot | | Anonymous, on Oct 12, 2009 wrote:
you say i only hear what i want to... CLASSIC 90’s shit | |
| turd to your mother, on Oct 12, 2009 wrote:
i don’t know if they were married but they had a cooking (?) show together and it certainly seemed like they were knocking boots. sorry, trying to get in the ’94 mood there. | | Anonymous, on Oct 8, 2009 wrote:
Wasn’t she married to Dweezil Zappa? | | Anonymous, on Oct 8, 2009 wrote:
if you always wanted to see her in a thong (and you know you did) check this
out.
2.bp.blogspot.com/_zxsbVMrOUNw/SDr1KUX8SrI/AAAAAAAAA
Oc/l_5xt6oUZpQ/s400/lisa_loeb3.jpg
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