SKINEMABy Chris Nieratko
GAPEMAN 2
Evilangel.com/Bpumper.com
Dir: B. Pumper
Rating: 10
Fuck. Google this DVD and look at the back cover. YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BACK COVER! It made me want to vomit into my laptop. Dead center there is a photo of what my friends affectionately refer to as a “pink sock.” It’s basically when a girl’s asshole is an outty instead of an inny. It’s vile. There are nine other smaller pink socks and gaping holes peppered around the main image. I do not judge what turns people on. If high heels popping balloons does it for you, super. I don’t care. I have my own problems to worry about. I don’t concern myself with what others do. But this shit? I fail to understand what anyone could find sexy about a girl’s ass hanging out. I mean, it makes me laugh; I’m entertained by stupid human tricks. But I don’t think I could milk out some happy juice to a prolapsed rectum. That’s just me. Maybe it’s your thing. If it’s not, you still need to buy this DVD just to hear the theme song. The disc starts out with black porn actor/director/producer/rapper Brian Pumper rapping a theme song in a weird Russian accent that goes like this, “I’m the Gapeman, I come to cause mass ass destruction and create big hole/Call me the Gapeman/Call me the Gapeman/When she’s done with me she won’t be able to shit, fam/I destroy the rectum and make the hole so big, man [ Here he uses his hands to make a big circle to indicate just how large a hole he’ll be creating]/I want to make a hole/I want to see the pink meat/I want to make hole like three feet deep/Call me the Gapeman/I don’t play, man/Bring anal destruction, the ass I break, man/You know the case, man/Switch up the pace, man/Do it quicker, pound harder/Nut on the face, man/She straight get fucked/Niggas don’t want pussy, straight to the butt/She nasty, she a slut/She a real slut/I’m happy I see inside, make me wanna nut/I want to stretch muscles/I want to make it right/I want to spread it open, I want to see inside. [ Refrain] Call me the Gapeman/Call me the Gapeman/When she’s done with me she won’t be able to shit, fam.”
I cannot believe I just transcribed that. As great as it looks on paper, it is millions of times better in real time. I hope Mr. Pumper decides to offer the track as a downloadable MP3. I would love to walk my dog to the Gapeman theme song. I am torn about whether the repeated “rhyming” of “man” with “man” is my favorite part or whether it’s when he says, “She a slut/She a real slut.” I like that he feels he needs to repeat himself for clarification. As if all the cuts to these women and their cavernous buttholes did not do the job, he felt he had to make us aware that, “No, you do not understand the extent of the sluttiness of these women. Yes, I told you she was a slut but you need to understand and lament on the fact that she is a REAL slut.” I was surprised to learn, “Niggas don’t want pussy, straight to the butt.” I did not know that. I also like that Señor Pumper looks like one of the guys in G-Unit. I was never a fan of G-Unit but now that I haven’t seen them in a while, I sort of miss them. I’m sure it’s fleeting but at this very moment in my life, at 1:30 PM on a Friday, I would like to hear someone make that stupid G-G-G-G-UUUUNIT sound. Maybe I’ll just do it myself… Ooh. That was kind of fun.
CHRIS NIERATKO
For more of Chris go to chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com.
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Nov 5, 2009 wrote:
so, the internet has ruined me, i’ve seen real prolapsed weightlifter anuses, the stuff on the gapeman dvd back was just weak and i scoffed accordingly. hold me, i’m broken. | | Anonymous, on Jun 4, 2009 wrote:
so yeah that was so worth the curiosity! *barf* -chulitachorty | |
| Mr. Belvedere, on Feb 6, 2009 wrote:
Mistake: eating a think and creamy cup of Yoplait mixed berry yogurt while reading this article
i made a similar mistake, and now my laptop’s screen is covered with a mist of campbell’s chunky chicken corn choweder. | |
| hocusbogus, on Feb 1, 2009 wrote:
G-G-G-G-G-G-G-GAPE UNITTTT! | | Anonymous, on Jan 29, 2009 wrote:
holy anal tolitos bat man i think it was a false call out . | |
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| Grant, on Jan 22, 2009 wrote:
i think your sadness meter is broken. this isn’t sad, it’s fucking funny. | | Anonymous, on Jan 22, 2009 wrote:
I was surprised to learn, “Niggas don’t want pussy, straight to the butt.” I did not know that.
classic nieratko and another example of why i love his shit. | | Anonymous, on Jan 21, 2009 wrote:
i’m in love with mount saint asscrack on the cover | |
| | | Anonymous, on Jan 19, 2009 wrote:
stuff looks like the kinda place i would frequent if i was a child molester. | | Anonymous, on Jan 19, 2009 wrote:
did anyone else immediately picture jack nicholson on the witness stand shouting that? | | Anonymous, on Jan 19, 2009 wrote:
Anonymous, on Jan 17, 2009 wrote:
Finally Chris gets back to actually reviewing porn. That other shit was getting played the fuck out...
i think if you go through the archives, or the skinema book for that matter, you will find that more times than not the review isn’t really much about the movie. sometimes he doesn’t even mention it. | | Anonymous, on Jan 17, 2009 wrote:
I just gagged. | | Anonymous, on Jan 17, 2009 wrote:
Finally Chris gets back to actually reviewing porn. That other shit was getting played the fuck out... | | Anonymous, on Jan 17, 2009 wrote:
I think Nieratko was making a play on the ’U’ in ’STUFF’ looking like a distended anus.
| | Anonymous, on Jan 16, 2009 wrote:
Anything that makes Nieratko want to vomit into his laptop must be truly heinous. I gotta say "Pink Sock" would make a great band name though. | |
| neezy, on Jan 16, 2009 wrote:
Mistake: eating a think and creamy cup of Yoplait mixed berry yogurt while reading this article | | Anonymous, on Jan 16, 2009 wrote:
Pretty sure that the "Gapeman" song it, like, #13 on the Australian Hot 100 chart last month. Don’t quote me on that, tho. | | Anonymous, on Jan 16, 2009 wrote:
Gapeman should do a collab with Jeremy Rogers, Fresha than Fresha than Freasha than a Freashman.... | | Anonymous, on Jan 16, 2009 wrote:
oh fuck thats bad man | |
| superfunk, on Jan 16, 2009 wrote:
I like how the miner in the My Bloody Valentine ad on the right seems to be crawling out of on of those assholes. Great marketing for what most probably is a shitty movie. | | Anonymous, on Jan 16, 2009 wrote:
are the A’s in the title assholes? genious! | | Anonymous, on Jan 16, 2009 wrote:
all that google brings back for "gapeman mp3" is a long list of torrent sites that i will be damned if i visit in fear of eternal ipod offers and iq tests. if anyone can find it, i’d love to hear this shit. | | Anonymous, on Jan 16, 2009 wrote:
fwd this article the the mom in this month’s letters. this sounds right up her alley. | | Anonymous, on Jan 16, 2009 wrote:
the pink sock is a woman’s best impression of the anteater dick | |
| el guapo, on Jan 16, 2009 wrote:
i agree. who is into ’massive ass gapes?’ when i come across a porn thumbnail of a girl holding her asshole open wider than the head of baseball bat i want to swear off porn forever. of course that never works. | | Anonymous, on Jan 16, 2009 wrote:
who’s "fam" is he speaking to? the newly-crowned no-wiper? | | Anonymous, on Jan 16, 2009 wrote:
what the hell is that white bodybuilder douche trying to rap about? | | Anonymous, on Jan 16, 2009 wrote:
he’s taking over the interwebs:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQTDzM1N-DE | | | Next 30 comments > |
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