NEWSLETTER

MOTHER SMOTHER
Dear Vice,

OK. I live in Boulder, Colorado. I am not a right-wing conservative. In fact, I am very liberal. I am a single mother trying to raise a 13-year-old girl on my own. I am disgusted that my daughter can go to American Apparel and pick up your magazine, which borders pornography. WTF!!!!! At least you could put it behind the register and save it for older teens. Your magazine as far as I can tell (the issue with the clown on the front, which is disturbing enough) promotes alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sex, violence, gangs. Hmm, what other negative shit can I think of?

Just out of curiosity, who are your target readers? Young girls???? Do any one of you have a young teenage girl? This is sickening. Thanks for your help in trying to raise our children.

AMY SHARP
Via email

“Señores y señoras: Nosotros tenemos mas influencia con sus hijos que tu tienes… Pero los queremos.” Oh man, we’ve been waiting for a chance to ironically whip that out since 1990. Thanks, lady!


SCHITZING OUT
Vice,

There’s no identified cause of schizophrenia, it’s just a tag word assigned to a vaguely defined clustering of symptoms that have been given a scientific-sounding name that doctors can use that sounds better than saying “madness.” You may as well say “my crazy friend” and drop the pretense of using a fancy-sounding word like “schizophrenic” because there’s a whole forest of insanity and almost none of the trees have been counted. Why do you think none of those drugs worked for this guy?

Anyway, I have a theory about the link between religion and dementia and how religion can help the demented. I figure the creators of most religions were insane people who thought sky giants were pissing lightning and leaving them carrots and potatoes in the dirt like early birthday presents. I acknowledge that it’s an archaic solution but Phiilliip here might gain some solace from seeking religion. Perhaps if he can persuade himself into believing the Skylord has certain wishes for him, things will feel better. John Calvin wrote a lot of “life is shit and God is testing us”-themed essays that I think would be helpful to those who feel themselves put at odds with life. That’s my two cents.

TAYLOR GIBBONS
Via Viceland.com

That’s your prescription for fighting schizophrenia? “Read John Calvin”? What do you suggest for depression? Leeches?


GAY SHAME
Vice:

Yes, I’m a heavy drinker, so? It helps pass the time. Leaving the house at scheduled times kinda leaves me open to attacks from assholes that hate me from high school. People from my town find my MySpace page or YouTube profile and think they’ve found all my dirty secrets or something, then think that they are clever by following the links to message boards where I host my 7 Seconds YouTube videos, and then read all my posts, like they’ve got all the dirt on me. Sorry, douchebag, I know you’re in high school and watch BET for hours after school, but I don’t care what you think. I don’t stalk you on the internet, or in person, so why don’t you go find something better to do? Oh, that’s right, you have nothing better to do. Just like I have nothing better to do than send countless emails to random people I’ve never met, because if I’d left my house and tried to have a social life six years ago I’d have brain damage from getting beaten with baseball bats by assholes like you. For some odd reason, my whole life, everyone has thought it was OK to gang up on me, get up in my business like it was any of theirs, single me out for something that isn’t even bad, and then plot my death. I wish I wasn’t serious. What is it about me that makes people assume the worst? Is it my face? The black hair and pale skin? My usual blank expression? People who walk down the street smiling look insane. I’d look insane x100. Is it my cheap band t-shirts and on-purpose faded jeans? You think I look “grubby” and dirty? It seems everyone has a delusion in their minds of this awful person I am. The hairdresser lady thought I was racist, so she fucked up my hair. My sister used to say I was gay, even though she was the one gelling my hair and telling me how to dress. All the wiggers said I was a goof, even though I know for a fact which ones of you are gay, idiots. Why did they always try to come out to me? That’s what I get for being nice and not prejudiced and kinda cute. I’m not even really gay anymore either, I’m scared to death of fucking a guy. I don’t get crushes on guys anymore, and I have a crush on a girl, I just need some gay porn to get it up. Even if I had been straight my whole life, they still would have called me a fag because the things they thought were gay about me had nothing to do with actual homosexuality. Fuck, people are such idiots. And they think I’m the bad person. Erg.

MIKE SIMMONS
Via email

“Erg” is right. You’re not gay “anymore” but you need gay porn to get it up with a girl, you let your sister put gel in your hair for you, and you refer to yourself as “kinda cute.” Mike, you’re gayer than Details magazine and you not being able to accept it is making us really angry. If we were your gay dad, we’d take you out behind the woodshed and lay a strap on you so bad you wouldn’t be able to sit on your swollen little rump for a week. Then we’d take you inside and rub a warm, soothing aloe balm all over your poor, red bottom. Then we’d grease up our big, hairy, calloused thumb and… Is this making your gay ass horny enough to fuck your girlfriend yet?


TIME OF WASTE
.bathroom the in it with up came I .line opening that with you got I least at ago sentences five up gave already you if And .you Fuck .fine this like don’t you if please to eager too not I’m But .you entertaining I’m hope I .myself entertaining I’m but hard of kind is this Fuck ?periods the put I should Where .Sorry .sucks handwriting My ?it get you Do .it get would anyone if seeing and backward got I And .up sentence last from starting backward them reading started I so bored was I and them on crap of blurbs little have that flyers reporter bathroom these are there door stall the of back the on and room dorm my of bathroom the in toilet a on sitting was I But .correct grammatically not obviously is this and sucks handwriting My .sentence previous the in saw you if up messed little a getting are words My .muscles brain your exercise to try should you maybe but headache a you gives this if sorry I’m .universe the of crack the in plaster of piece tiny a is world The

:eciV

HANNAH STRIANESE
Burlington, VT

Oh, I get it. It’s backwards. How very.

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Letters are edited for length.

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