SKINEMABy Chris Nieratko
BLACK POWER 3
Evilangel.com
Dir: Joey Silvera
Rating: 10
I’ve always dreamed of having Black Power because I think it would be awesome to be able to dunk a basketball. When I was younger I could touch the rim but now I’m fat and old and I doubt I could even touch the net. Have you ever seen NBA mascots jump on the trampoline and then dunk? That seems scary to me. My favorite |
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is when a team doesn’t have a name that lends itself to any sort of mascot and so they just put a jersey on a guy in a wolf costume and tell him to get out there. The San Antonio Spurs, Utah Jazz, and New Jersey Nets all have wolves and foxes and dogs in basketball jerseys running around. WTF is that? I always thought that the Nets should have a guy running around covered in a fishing net with all kinds of trash and toxic waste and human parts attached to it. I think that would be funny and send an important environmental message to the kids at the game: Throw back anything you catch in Jersey waters.
I also think having an Afro would be cool. I once had a flat top, but that was the 80s. It was a different time. We didn’t know any better. We didn’t even have televisions back then, at least not flat ones. Our TVs were massive and any man who stole a TV back then earned it. Not like the TV thieves of this generation who can fit five or seven TVs under one arm. It’s not the same. I tip my hat to the old-school TV thieves—they did it with style and it meant something. What, I’m not sure. Black Power? Maybe. Maybe not.
Maybe this DVD sends mixed messages to our youth. On the front it says: “Black Power, Don’t Fight It!” Excuse me, but it was my understanding that I was supposed to be fighting the power. That’s what Chuck D said. So which is it? What should I be doing on my weekends, holidays, and days off from work? Fighting the power? Or not fighting the power? As a nonblack man wishing to be more black in 2008, it is rather confusing and begs for clarification. I mean, shit, if Obama is going to be our next president then I think it’s important to clear this up quickly. I’d hate to bump into him at a bar and be all, “Oh shit! Obama! Hey man, I’ve totally been fighting the power,” only to have him tell me, “We don’t do that no mo’.” It’s like when the Crank Squad told me, “We don’t Superman no mo’, we just Spiderman that hoe.” Meanwhile I’m out there Supermanning like it’s nobody’s business. No one told me anything. What I suggest is some kind of email list where these important changes in policies can be made known in a quick and timely fashion so that we’re all on the same page. But please, can we start using the BCC function? I hate seeing 300 email addresses on a mass email. You look at it and you can’t help but think, “Fucking rookie.” |
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CHRIS NIERATKO
For more of Chris go to chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com.
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Oct 9, 2008 wrote:
so what was the point of that article? | | Anonymous, on Sep 29, 2008 wrote:
Pretty funny and I hate reading too. | | Anonymous, on Sep 21, 2008 wrote:
woah Vice, hold it there buddy. article that mention SPORTS don’t appeal to the 35 or so chicks, gays, lame hipsters, various europeans that are your demo!!! Get back with the program and keep writing about pathetic indie bands and other lameness. | | Anonymous, on Sep 16, 2008 wrote:
this shit makes me laugh. | | Anonymous, on Sep 14, 2008 wrote:
You forgot to mention that time in high school when you wore the african medallion all X-ing it up in the house...unless you were lying to me which makes me SAD, Chris. Immeasuralbly SAD!
Hearts,
Rhonda | | Anonymous, on Sep 13, 2008 wrote:
brush your damn teeth scum bag | | Anonymous, on Sep 12, 2008 wrote:
hey guess what? I just so happened to be listening to Hurricane by Bob Dylan as I read this. Isn’t that super funny guyz? | | Anonymous, on Sep 12, 2008 wrote:
i think you were wearing a x-files shirt. which might actually be more edgy than your ironic ’white guy wearing a shirt that only black guys with buddy holly glasses can wear shirt’ shirt. | | Anonymous, on Sep 11, 2008 wrote:
this column continues to suck. Nieratko, go back to flipping burgers or working construction or whatever | | Anonymous, on Sep 11, 2008 wrote:
I love this shit! | |
| Star Wars, on Sep 11, 2008 wrote:
I thought this was very funny. Good job, Chris! | | Anonymous, on Sep 11, 2008 wrote:
back in like 6th grade i wore a malcom x shirt to school, you know the ones that were just a massive white "X" on the front of the black shirt? well i got super stoked on those and those rad huge africa necklaces. i mean, seriously - everything seems cooler when the black guys did it, you know? so somehow i got one of those shirts and wore that baby to school in the land where your bloody camo shirt was proof that you killed a deer before school that mornin, and where the only thing bigger than your truck was your rebel flag on your massive CB antenna or your "the south’s gonna do it again!" bumper sticker. don’t get me wrong, i didn’t see any crosses burning in anybody’s yards or anything, but some of my friends would’ve pledged allegiance to charlie daniels and marlboro, given the opportunity. so whatever, i wear the shirt to school and the blacks had no clue what was going on. totally hit em blindside. about halfway through the day, an 8th grader named jay saw that big ol’ white "x" gleaming down the hall so he came up to me and picked me up by the shirt and held me against the wall and said, "son, what the hell are you doin with that shirt on?" my eyes were big like quarters and it took me a second, but i said, "it means, uh - it means "extatic." he looked at me from under his super curved hat bill and put me down and said, "oh. ok." and walked away. true story. only thing that bothers me about black people is that they look awesome in anything. put me in a magenta or neon green suit and i look like an idiot. a black dude looks like a friggin stallion. -maready | | |
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