SKINEMABy Chris Nieratko
CHESTY PREGGOS
Scoregroup.com
Rating: 2
You want to know what the best part about a dead baby is? No dirty diapers. No diapers at all really. No money spent on formula. No painting bedrooms pink or blue. None of that shit. Dead babies are rad—they don’t cry and they don’t make any demands whatsoever. I put a dead baby in my wife’s uterus with my pecker juice about two months ago. It was, hands down, the shittiest thing that has ever happened to me. The day after Mother’s Day I paid $200 to jerk off in a cup at a sperm-testing center to see if I was the problem with us not getting pregnant. As the nurse ran my credit card I asked her, “Do you know what I can get in Amsterdam for $200?” She didn’t find that funny, which coincided with how I felt about them charging me to perform my own manual labor.
 Two hours after the hand job I administered, my wife decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive. She was elated. I was out $200. “You couldn’t have took the test before I paid the $200?” I asked her. But she was so happy she didn’t hear me. I told my friend’s wife, “Starting now I’m making a tab of what this kid owes me when he grows up. I’ll let him slide on the modulation test strips, but this $200 I want back.” But soon I forgot about the money and got excited about finally getting one past the goalie in my wife’s pants. Then we went to the doctor and the lady made us cry. Then a nurse came in and made us cry some more. She said she was sorry. My wife told her it wasn’t her fault. She went to leave the room and I grabbed her arm and in a harsh, accusing tone I asked, “Or is it?” She got freaked out. I started laughing the laugh of a crazy man that has just been told there is a dead homeless man living in his wife’s vagina. Then I said, “Sorry. I’m just a bit insane. I mean, upset.”
You want to know what sucks about dead babies? You can’t stick them in people’s faces and say, “Look! We fucking had a baby! Get off our back with the ‘When are you going to have a baby?’ questions!” We just went to a wedding in Big Sur and as we sat in a riverbed drinking our Singapore Slings, one girl decided to get Columbo on the topic of our lack of babies. “Why don’t you have a baby?” “When?” “How come?” “You would make great parents.” And all that. I tried to be nice and simply say, “We’ve been trying,” hoping she’d get the hint. But the drunker she got, the more she probed and the more I wanted to rip her drunken face off. “WE’VE BEEN TRYING!” I said loudly and more angrily. By the fourth time in three hours she asked, I lost it and just screamed, in front of 14 other guests and about 50 patrons of the restaurant, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU DRUNK ASSHOLE? WE’VE BEEN TRYING FOR A YEAR AND HALF! SO WHY DON’T WE HAVE A BABY YET? WHY DON’T YOU GO ASK GOD? BECAUSE WE HAVE BEEN TRYING AND THEY KEEP DYING! HOW’S THAT FOR A FUCKING ANSWER, ASSHOLE?!”
CHRIS NIERATKO
For more of Chris go to chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com.
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Oct 28, 2008 wrote:
"this is simultaneously the best and saddest skinema ever"
yup. well done dude.
write whatever you want and keep up the good work.
| | Anonymous, on Sep 6, 2008 wrote:
dead babys are rad! | | Anonymous, on Aug 29, 2008 wrote:
I’m sorry to hear about this, it is very sad.
However! My boyfriend loves your stupid skateboard shop. New Jersey, I mean come on. | | Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2008 wrote:
Me liked it. :D | | Anonymous, on Aug 24, 2008 wrote:
why would you write about this. . sounds to me like you would make a really bad dad. | | Anonymous, on Aug 21, 2008 wrote:
is it really up to me to inform you dummies that it’s wrong to subject another person to this toilet bowl of a world? | | Anonymous, on Aug 19, 2008 wrote:
i can’t relate. i had every kid i got pregnant with. karma. | | Anonymous, on Aug 17, 2008 wrote:
adopt | | Anonymous, on Aug 17, 2008 wrote:
I hope things work out for you, miscarriages are tough, my husband and I have been trying for three years now and every single time I think I’ve finally gotten preggers it’s a miscarriage. I know how much it hurts and I hope things work out for you.
Good luck man. | | Anonymous, on Aug 17, 2008 wrote:
fucking americans are such exhibitionistic morons
what were u, an only child? | | Anonymous, on Aug 16, 2008 wrote:
you’ll be aiight, dude. my wife had four miscarriages before we had our kids. it’s common. most folks just don’t talk about it. | |
| neezy, on Aug 16, 2008 wrote:
I disagree, that porn was at least a 6, possible case for a weak 7 | | Anonymous, on Aug 16, 2008 wrote:
This column was better when it wasn’t "wah my penis" every month. | | Anonymous, on Aug 16, 2008 wrote:
chris, you are the shit. | | Anonymous, on Aug 16, 2008 wrote:
Why does has this guy had a column for the last 10,000 years anyway? He’s never been funny or anything.... | | Anonymous, on Aug 16, 2008 wrote:
what a jerk! | | Anonymous, on Aug 16, 2008 wrote:
Chris shoots blanks because thats natures way of saying inter-racial couples dont work. | | Anonymous, on Aug 16, 2008 wrote:
his creampie’s curdled.....whaaa Whaaa....... | | Anonymous, on Aug 15, 2008 wrote:
i love preggo porn. am i alone?! | |
| bonerdreamz69, on Aug 15, 2008 wrote:
is he supposed to be eating or shouting those babies? | | Anonymous, on Aug 15, 2008 wrote:
good answer to that bitch,
i hate when people ask that question. i just say "that really none of your business, mom" | | Anonymous, on Aug 15, 2008 wrote:
it was me, pussy boy, i did it | |
| JustJude, on Aug 15, 2008 wrote:
Sorry to hear that... good luck in the future. | | Anonymous, on Aug 15, 2008 wrote:
ok. you are allowed to speak your mind, Chris. i want to feel bad for you dude, but can’t when you speak this way. call me taboo but you suck large. | | Anonymous, on Aug 15, 2008 wrote:
this is simultaneously the best and saddest skinema ever | |
| Zigmund Fraud, on Aug 15, 2008 wrote:
Oh man, condolences, keep up the good work? | | Anonymous, on Aug 15, 2008 wrote:
Am I being a pussy? Really? Which one of you pricks wrote that message? Man up! | | |
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