BY ROCCO CASTORO, PHOTOS BY JESS WILLIAMSON
THE MAIN EVENT - Continued
| Sensing that someone was close to striking brown gold, we asked them to assume the classic squatting-in-the-woods position for the final 10 minutes. Jacob seemed to be struggling to maintain.
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Approximately five minutes later, the idea was jokingly brought up that the winner should be whoever was able to shit before the closing bell. Jacob immediately perked up and said, “That won’t be a problem!” Without any further discourse or prompting, he relaxed his colon, pulled the trigger on a machine gun of flatulence, and produced a nugget. |
| The oily, melted-crayon-stub excretion wasn’t much, but Jacob assured us lots more was on its way as he hastily retreated to the toilet and punished it for our sins.
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Victory crap. The next day everyone checked in. Matt said, “My asshole is like a melting universe.” Alexandra reported “peeing out of my butt all day.” Grace claimed to be swimming in a sea of bodily fluids. Our vanquisher, Jacob, spent a good three intermittent hours on the john and was worried about shitting himself during his job as a delivery boy. Each one vowed to hate us for eternity. |
OH SHIT! | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
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