NEWSLETTER



DOS & DON'TS

If something ever happens to our national acid supply, homeroom is really going to suck. Comments/Enlarge | See all


Fuck “the love between a bird and fish.” The furthest distance in the world right now is the space between this beard and my fists. Comments/Enlarge | See all






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BY ROCCO CASTORO, PHOTOS BY JESS WILLIAMSON

THE MAIN EVENT

Things started off with a nice spread of Mexican food: nachos, guacamole, a burrito, rice and beans, an enchilada, salsa, and a couple of tacos. We didn’t want to feed them too much—just enough to get things percolating. Overeating can block the small intestine for hours before digestion occurs. The grub came from a place renowned for its vile, colon-expanding mouth garbage—a takeout Mexican restaurant run by illegal Chinese immigrants whose menu brags about their automated tortilla-making machine. Surprisingly, everyone wolfed it down in what seemed like an attempt to psych each other out.

Next up was the first of two saltwater flushes. It’s supposed to work like a top-down enema, completely sandblasting your gullet. Each serving consisted of two tablespoons of gray Celtic sea salt diluted in 32 ounces of purified water. This suggestion came from someone on the Master Cleanse who claimed she had to be near a bathroom for at least a couple hours after guzzling it. Straws were provided as our research found it was the easiest way to choke down what basically amounts to a liter of seawater. Matt finished within four minutes, followed by Jacob, and then the girls. Everyone agreed it was awful.



CONTINUED
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