NEWSLETTER

BY ROCCO CASTORO, PHOTOS BY JESS WILLIAMSON

So I guess some guy apparently went 102 days without taking a dump. But a) he was critically constipated, and b) Uncle John’s Bathroom Book of Extraordinary Facts and Bizarre Information is not exactly reliable reference material. Still, it got us thinking about shitting, about not shitting, and also about torturing people by making them hold in their shit for as long as they can. That led to deliberations about physiology and mind over intestinal matter that carried on into the wee hours. We simply had to know if we could convince a few strangers to put on diapers and swallow a bunch of laxatives and have a contest to see who would shit first (or last). And you know what? We did it!

THE PREMISE
Over the course of eight hours in a balmy living room, two guys and two ladies consume the following “natural” laxatives: a saltwater tonic, tea, bad Mexican food, cigarettes, coffee, beer, rum, and caffeinated soda. Peeing is allowed, but defecation must take place off the toilet (an official excreta ref was present throughout the event to ensure no BMs took place covertly). Whoever shits first loses. Safety concerns warranted adult diapers and a vinyl dollar-store bed cover for the futon.


THE PARTICIPANTS

Alexandra, 22 How often do you crap? I poop about every other day, usually around lunchtime at work. Sometimes it’s in the morning. The last time I went was yesterday. What kind of stuff gets you going? Beer and malt liquor. On average, how does it check out? Most of the time it’s pretty good—at least a couple of solid logs. When was the last time you shit your pants? A few years ago I was driving cross-country with my roommate and during a pit stop I got some potato skins with cheese and bacon. When we got back on the road my stomach started acting up and I felt like I might be coming down with the runs. I let go of this gurgling fart in the car and my friend was like, “That sounded disgusting. I bet you got shit in your underwear.” But I didn’t think I did until we pulled over at this gas station and I was like, “Fuck!” For whatever reason I didn’t want to throw them away so I just rolled them up and put them in a plastic bag. I had diarrhea and was on my period for three days after, and actually ended up having to wear them again because I messed up another pair even worse. Are you shit-phobic now? When I was little I sort of had a pooping phobia. I would hold it for a really long time. Once at camp I didn’t shit for five days because I was afraid someone would hear me using the toilet. But I’m over it. I fart freely all the time now.

Matt, 21 When’s the last time you did some work atop the Oval Office? It was this morning at two. My normal schedule is to go somewhere between 11 PM and 3 AM. Most of the time it happens right before my bedtime shower. Describe the last few stools you passed. I would say they looked healthy. They were mostly brown with some tints of yellow. When was the last time you had an “accident”? During the first week of college something happened when I was on a date with this girl. We went out to dinner before coming back to my place to hang out. I had to cut one so I did, but all of a sudden my pants felt soupy. I immediately excused myself to “the bathroom” and ran to my backyard, pulled off my underwear, used them to wipe my ass, then threw them over the fence. I came back inside as if nothing happened and we ended up sharing a bed that night. She didn’t smell it but was curious as to why I wasn’t wearing underwear. I just told her, “It’s laundry day.” What is the longest you’ve gone without sweet relief? At least a couple days when I was on a road trip a little while ago, but it wasn’t a problem. I do squat thrusts from time to time and those build your hind muscles to maximum potential. It’s like a Kegel exercise for your asshole.

CONTINUED
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