OH SHIT! - PART 1Who's Number One at Holding Number Two?
BY ROCCO CASTORO, PHOTOS BY JESS WILLIAMSON
So I guess some guy apparently went 102 days without taking a dump. But a) he was critically constipated, and b) Uncle John’s Bathroom Book of Extraordinary Facts and Bizarre Information is not exactly reliable reference material. Still, it got us thinking about shitting, about not shitting, and also about torturing people by making them hold in their shit for as long as they can. That led to deliberations about physiology and mind over intestinal matter that carried on into the wee hours. We simply had to know if we could convince a few strangers to put on diapers and swallow a bunch of laxatives and have a contest to see who would shit first (or last). And you know what? We did it!
THE PREMISE
Over the course of eight hours in a balmy living room, two guys and two ladies consume the following “natural” laxatives: a saltwater tonic, tea, bad Mexican food, cigarettes, coffee, beer, rum, and caffeinated soda. Peeing is allowed, but defecation must take place off the toilet (an official excreta ref was present throughout the event to ensure no BMs took place covertly). Whoever shits first loses. Safety concerns warranted adult diapers and a vinyl dollar-store bed cover for the futon.
THE PARTICIPANTS
Alexandra, 22
How often do you crap?
I poop about every other day, usually around lunchtime at work. Sometimes it’s in the morning. The last time I went was yesterday.
What kind of stuff gets you going?
Beer and malt liquor.
On average, how does it check out?
Most of the time it’s pretty good—at least a couple of solid logs.
When was the last time you shit your pants?
A few years ago I was driving cross-country with my roommate and during a pit stop I got some potato skins with cheese and bacon. When we got back on the road my stomach started acting up and I felt like I might be coming down with the runs. I let go of this gurgling fart in the car and my friend was like, “That sounded disgusting. I bet you got shit in your underwear.” But I didn’t think I did until we pulled over at this gas station and I was like, “Fuck!” For whatever reason I didn’t want to throw them away so I just rolled them up and put them in a plastic bag. I had diarrhea and was on my period for three days after, and actually ended up having to wear them again because I messed up another pair even worse.
Are you shit-phobic now?
When I was little I sort of had a pooping phobia. I would hold it for a really long time. Once at camp I didn’t shit for five days because I was afraid someone would hear me using the toilet. But I’m over it. I fart freely all the time now. |
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Matt, 21
When’s the last time you did some work atop the Oval Office?
It was this morning at two. My normal schedule is to go somewhere between 11 PM and 3 AM. Most of the time it happens right before my bedtime shower.
Describe the last few stools you passed.
I would say they looked healthy. They were mostly brown with some tints of yellow.
When was the last time you had an “accident”?
During the first week of college something happened when I was on a date with this girl. We went out to dinner before coming back to my place to hang out. I had to cut one so I did, but all of a sudden my pants felt soupy. I immediately excused myself to “the bathroom” and ran to my backyard, pulled off my underwear, used them to wipe my ass, then threw them over the fence. I came back inside as if nothing happened and we ended up sharing a bed that night. She didn’t smell it but was curious as to why I wasn’t wearing underwear. I just told her, “It’s laundry day.”
What is the longest you’ve gone without sweet relief?
At least a couple days when I was on a road trip a little while ago, but it wasn’t a problem. I do squat thrusts from time to time and those build your hind muscles to maximum potential. It’s like a Kegel exercise for your asshole. |
CONTINUED
OH SHIT! | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | >
Anonymous, on May 28, 2009 wrote:
oh god why did i read that? | | alecrf, on Mar 31, 2009 wrote:
i’d completely lose this. sensitive stomach sucks. but ive held it for a damn long time. | | Anonymous, on Oct 10, 2008 wrote:
i could have won this hands-down. i shit maybe 2 times a month. even laxatives don’t do shit for me (ha HA!). i have a near-crippling defecation phobia, though. my bowel movements require a good half hour of extreme concentration and exertion, and a considerable amount of pain. oh, the wonders of methadone . . . | | aavendano, on Sep 14, 2008 wrote:
Wow, I cannot believe I read all of that.
Hahaha, hliarious! | | Anonymous, on Sep 8, 2008 wrote:
I am a better person having read this. Anyone who thinks otherwise must have a stick up their ass. | | Anonymous, on Sep 7, 2008 wrote:
freaks. | | Anonymous, on Sep 1, 2008 wrote:
awsume | | Anonymous, on Aug 31, 2008 wrote:
grace is hot | | Anonymous, on Aug 29, 2008 wrote:
thank you vice, this is like the good old days | | Anonymous, on Aug 29, 2008 wrote:
hmmmm, is it bad that I am totally into Jacob? | | Anonymous, on Aug 29, 2008 wrote:
AMAZING!! THESE PEOPLE ARE HEROS!! | | Anonymous, on Aug 29, 2008 wrote:
Their ancestors fought and died to bring this article to us. For fucking shame.
Next time you shit yourself, do us a favour and eat it, choke and die. | | Anonymous, on Aug 29, 2008 wrote:
with all this talk of big brother does anyone else find it curious that the author’s name is rocco and the founder of BB was steve rocco? | | Anonymous, on Aug 29, 2008 wrote:
you should copy big brother more often. | | Anonymous, on Aug 29, 2008 wrote:
i am holding a shit-in this weekend | | Anonymous, on Aug 28, 2008 wrote:
I’m so not finishing this article.. Later yall | | stillben, on Aug 28, 2008 wrote:
I like stories like this. | | Anonymous, on Aug 28, 2008 wrote:
fuckin hillarious | | Anonymous, on Aug 28, 2008 wrote:
STOP SENDING THIS PISH TO ME! | | Anonymous, on Aug 28, 2008 wrote:
Are you really not able to produce any better content than this? You appear to have the creative ability of a bunch of chimps. But you’re less amusing, and more disgusting. | | Anonymous, on Aug 27, 2008 wrote:
wow. I am holding back the inappropriate laughs at my local coffee shop. | | Anonymous, on Aug 27, 2008 wrote:
Yeah, I agree - this article was great in Big Brother. | | Anonymous, on Aug 26, 2008 wrote:
idiots, wow you’re so radical, fuck off you 30 year olf idiots. | | Anonymous, on Aug 26, 2008 wrote:
Food poisoning also makes you accidentily shart yourself. | | Anonymous, on Aug 26, 2008 wrote:
This is just awful. | | Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2008 wrote:
Bravo Jess. | | Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2008 wrote:
Who are these people? I mean other than utterly disgusting. | | Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2008 wrote:
big brother already did this. 15 years ago.
| | Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2008 wrote:
Finally something worth reading. | | Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2008 wrote:
unnecessary. | | | Next 30 comments > |
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