IN THE MAGAZINE

GET TO THE POINT

Pens Bring Back the Spirit of Girl Punk Groups Sounding Retarded Again

Photo by Katie Coleslaw

Awhile ago we started doing monthly issue launch parties at the Old Blue Last. The whole concept should have been pretty elementary: have a party, a bunch of people drink and the bands covered in the magazine that month come down and play. No big deal, right? Well, it shouldn’t have been. Then we realised that a lot of the acts we were talking about in the magazine were, erm, not really ever from England.

This made us stop and think: where have all the good new British bands gone? Hello? Is there anyone out there? The answer is a pretty resounding “nope”. Stop and think of a genuinely good new band you have heard in a year that is already way past half-done and I bet you ten Chomps you’ll struggle.

Then we saw Pens and it changed everything. Their set lasts about 14 minutes and the girls swap instruments in between tunes mainly because it appears none of them really know what they are doing. The whole thing is so swathed in static and reverb and shambolic about-to-fall-apartness that it’s like watching that YouTube clip of the kid kicking through the granite wall and getting his ankle snapped in half: kind of bite-your-bottom-lip atrocious but kind of the best thing you have seen since ever. They also do a cover of “Sex Beat” by the Gun Club that sounds like the Germs trying to be the Shangri-Las through a gauze of early K Records fuzz.

Vice: Didn’t some of you used to be in that band Look Look Dancing Boys with all those songs like “Tit Wank” and “Suck My Balls”?

Amelia Bean (guitars): Yep, but that band fell down the loo.

Loos, balls, tits. This band even has a name that is a bit like the word “penis”. Would it be fair to say that you are a little genitally obsessed?

Stefania Orla (drums): Maybe a little. You aren’t the first person to point out “the missing I”. I hope the whole dick thing isn’t going to follow us around forever. Pens actually refers to drawing as two of us are real-life illustrators.

What are your favourite pens? I only ever use 0.5 Pilot v5 Hi-Tec.

Amelia: Pilots are good. Especially 0.4s and sometimes the 0.5. Other than that, Berols are great.

Helen Yell (keyboards): I like Microsoft Paint.

Why do you swap instruments so much?

Amelia: Short attention spans.

Helen: Can we go now?

JAMMIN’ JOHNSON
Pens have a split seven-inch with Male Bonding forthcoming on Paradise Vendors Inc. myspace.com/penspenspenis

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COMMENTS

Anonymous, on Nov 27, 2008 wrote: I dunno but I ceased commenting after sep 16. Then I saw some English hooligan porkpielimey brainbutt wrote Limeys forever and praising the usual brit-shit copycat-habit. Who really cares? We have been beseiged by bad british crap since Cliff Richard and are kinda used to ignore everything from the isles of inbreeding. The Immortal Bard was a long, long time ago and since then the subhuman stupidity of the UK working class have ruled John Bull (shit). Warm beer, ugly women, non-rocking rock’n’roll, grown-ups taking football even more serious than 5-year-olds...Sink those islands in poop!

Anonymous, on Nov 14, 2008 wrote: 2 on the right look like american jew bag girls

Anonymous, on Nov 14, 2008 wrote: I wish people wouldn’t use the word ’retarded’ like that. Or are we all still living in the 70’s?

Anonymous, on Oct 23, 2008 wrote: poor show at liars club, notts! poor show indeed!

Anonymous, on Oct 23, 2008 wrote: PENS ARE OFFICIALLY AWFUL LIVE & DRUNK...NO JOKES! x

Anonymous, on Oct 6, 2008 wrote: <3

Anonymous, on Oct 3, 2008 wrote: & you care enough to read what you apparently "don’t care about", who’s worse here?

Anonymous, on Sep 29, 2008 wrote: PENS ARE AWESOME!!!!

Anonymous, on Sep 28, 2008 wrote: haahah i’m so glad you lot care enough to write this shit. LIMEYS FOREVER!

Anonymous, on Sep 25, 2008 wrote: No no no

Anonymous, on Sep 25, 2008 wrote: if i meant them i wouldn’t have said they are a british band would i?

Anonymous, on Sep 16, 2008 wrote: Ya mean the American garagepunk outfit The Human Hair or just limey 40 years after garagepunk lets steal the cool name band?

Anonymous, on Sep 15, 2008 wrote: left girls is cute

Anonymous, on Sep 8, 2008 wrote: gentle friendly, male bonding, & human hair are all british bands who are awesome. you need to get out more.

Anonymous, on Sep 8, 2008 wrote: Duh, who needs a limey the Shaggs, like 40 years AFTER the Shaggs? UK copycats as usual. Just like those horrible Shitettes that pooped their porkpies all over Carrie Nations and the Shangri-Las. Sack the writer.

Anonymous, on Sep 8, 2008 wrote: Alas, no. They sound fucking awful. Hint for bands who want to be in Vice: It doesn’t matter if you’re shit providing you play eight LDN shows in trendy clubs over a month. And sound shit. And have penis envy.

Anonymous, on Sep 6, 2008 wrote: They can’t be British, their teeth are too good.

Anonymous, on Sep 6, 2008 wrote: do they sound like atr