IN THE MAGAZINE

MISSIONARY STYLE

Diaries of a Stupid White Girl in Mexico

I grew up in an evangelical Christian church where my father was a reverend and my mom taught Sunday school. Evangelical Christians are those real pushy Christians who think that everyone else but them are going to hell, even Catholics and Jews. They are largely responsible for field missionary work and getting all up in your face about pre-martial sex. I followed their beliefs with 100 percent conviction until I got beat with the logic stick when I was 16 and dumped the whole thing for drinking, fucking and doing drugs. My life has vastly improved ever since.

One of the imperative events behind my changed outlook on Christianity was the last of four trips I took to Mexico to do missionary work. Every spring break, hundreds if not thousands of churches load up vans and shuttle their youth groups to Mexico to build churches, play soccer with kids, and ultimately try to convince them that Christianity is better than whatever heathen devilry they're practicing (generally Catholicism). I recently pulled out my diaries from my time below the border and boy does it contain some chestnuts. Enjoy!

"While getting ready to leave for our trip at 5 AM to Mexico, we all stood outside the van, joined hands and prayed. Stacy did most of the talking and I really felt like it was God speaking through her. She said that we should focus not on trivial things from back home like homework and our friends, but should focus on saving as many children as we can during our time there. I feel inspired and ready to leave my life behind for a while and try to make things better somewhere else and hopefully in the process I can feel closer to God."

These trips are the pinnacle of blind arrogance, wasting time, money and energy that could actual be of some use back in the US. It is also a front for the fully anticipated “spiritual rejuvenation” that follows exposure to poverty stricken cities and the stupid, stupid fucking idea that you’ve successfully saved some poor, doomed Catholic child’s soul.

"We arrived in Mexico around 6 PM where we ran into trouble with border patrol. They stopped our U-Haul and threatened to make us empty all 50 bags unless we gave them money. We gave them $160 and went on through. They just put the money right into their pockets!"

First of all, I never saw them put the money into their pockets. I can only imagine that I assumed they did because I thought all Mexicans were crooked thieves. This doesn’t make much sense since I grew up in a town where half the population was Mexican, but obviously stronger thinking prevailed. Also, how fucking smart are they? They must have made BANK every year when hordes of naive Christians came ambling across their border.

"Every time I come to Mexico I’m saddened by the poverty and the barefooted children with big brown eyes running along the streets along next to the van, jumping over broken glass and trash. Shambled houses line the streets, build out of cardboard and crates. Dirty, unkempt dogs and cats roam aimlessly around the roads, frequently getting hit by cars. It’s all so sad."

This part is funny because I grew up poor. I was always running around barefoot, and we had tons of animals that were always getting hit by cars. We were on welfare for fuck's sake, and owned about a dozen cats, many of whom were wild and unkempt. This passage also proves that I believed all of Mexico looked like Tijuana.

"As we crossed the boarder, I noticed a city bus with a tired driver steering with one hand and smoking a cigarette with the other. As I looked into the interior of the bus, I saw a 'no fumar' sign. In California, you’d get a hell of a fine for doing that."

Heavy stuff.



"We’re having some problems with the men in our village disrespecting our girls. I was offered money to take my skirt off and I’m watched wherever I go and random men always try to talk to me."

Ha ha! Mexico is like one giant shitty nightclub without the social lubricant that would actually makes all those things completely acceptable.

"One of the boys in our village had a seizure while playing soccer so we took him to the hospital. It turned out he had a blood clot in his brain and he’d been in the hospital before but his parents didn’t have the money to pay for medicine. The hospital told us that his parents were abusive and drug addicts. We took a collection and got him even more money than he needed. When we gave it to his parents they seemed angry and ungrateful but I know we did what was right and that we probably saved his life."

This story perfectly illustrates how uninformed these missionary trips are. Shortly after we left Mexico, his parents blew the money on drugs and the kid died a few weeks later. At the time we were so fucking smug in our benevolence that it didn’t occur to anyone that giving $1,000 in cash to drug addicts was a bad idea. Mind boggling.

"We’re leaving Mexico today. Despite all the garbage, broken glass and discarded crap everywhere, I think I’m really going to miss this land. There’s something more natural and calm about the way people live here, with a stronger emphasis on family and friends. They have so much less than us, but seem a lot happier. Their struggles are greater but I feel like they are stronger people who love their home and country more than any of us in America do."

Wait a minute… I’m totally right about this part. Mexico is fucking awesome!

JULIA WERTZ

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COMMENTS

Anonymous, on Jun 22, 2009 wrote: Man, when I looked at my journals from high school I realize how fucking illiterate I was. For having shit for brains at least she could form a sentence.

Anonymous, on Nov 5, 2008 wrote: haha! julia is hilarious as ever

Anonymous, on Sep 24, 2008 wrote: i had to stop reading this a third of the way through.... like... realy?

Anonymous, on Sep 22, 2008 wrote: Hey, i think this is crap.. Mexico is a big country, even bigger than the US in some senses (like the cultural, economic, racial, and educational extremes that exists in it). Yes. All teenagers are stupid, they all think there is only one type of country, the poor Mexico, at least this bitch was decent wenough to travel, problem is she didnt go far enough or she was simply (and obviously) looking for shit holes to get her head into, and yes she found them.

Anonymous, on Aug 14, 2008 wrote: i used to think that these kind of christians only exist in movies like "Saved!" haha. about the part that you say they offer you money to take your clothes off....what a happy christian you were, hun? "NO, i already told ya, i wont take my clothes off for money!! accept Jesus in your heart, he still loves you!" bullshit.

Anonymous, on Aug 14, 2008 wrote: Way to let Azusa Pacific take you to ’Mexico’. Diaries? I could have made that bologna up hearing a story about going to Ensenada. You should call it something like a smug diatribe.

Anonymous, on Jul 16, 2008 wrote: God rocks, but the white-man’s organised religion sucks. So which minister touched you up to turn you into a Mexican-cock hungry tart?

Anonymous, on Jul 14, 2008 wrote: rough. i like that. that’s funny.

Anonymous, on Jul 14, 2008 wrote: sometimes i touched my pussy on the church

Anonymous, on Jul 14, 2008 wrote: sometimes i touched my church on the pussy

Anonymous, on Jul 14, 2008 wrote: oh yes yes this that and the the other thing. and your aryan accent is obnoxious. put that in your pipe n’ smoke it.

Anonymous, on Jul 14, 2008 wrote: you rock fartz

Anonymous, on Jul 13, 2008 wrote: I believe that you would love the documentary called "Jesus Camp"

Anonymous, on Jul 11, 2008 wrote: so did she take the pesos & take her skirt off?

Anonymous, on Jul 11, 2008 wrote: religion aside, when you’re a kid, what’s wrong w/ being innocent and thinking the world is made better by your small efforts? and if you believe in god or buddha or poseidon, all the better. believing in something is far better than believing in nothing. and if any of you losers had ever actually grown up poor - not fast food for dinner poor, no food for dinner poor - you’d jump at the chance to have anyone come offer you a home or food or culture that believes in hope. nothing worse in the world than spending this filthy, insignificant life believing that life is filthy and insignificant. and if you don’t believe this, spend some of your time away from skateboarding or taking pictures for your shallow website, and hang out with people, say, afflicted with a terminal disease that every day is begging for some light in the dark. and whether that light comes from god or nature or a doped up hipster, i’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter.

Anonymous, on Jul 11, 2008 wrote: Ahahahaha, funny

Anonymous, on Jul 10, 2008 wrote: awesome

Anonymous, on Jul 10, 2008 wrote: My sister has been on tons of these trips..she is currently a poor college student who has a bright future as a missionary with tons of student loan debt. One night at a family style dinner I asked her how many houses she built in Mexico over the yrs. She replied around 16...then I asked her how many Mexicans had returned the favor by traveling here to build her a house I mean it seems like one for 16 is the least they could do right? But not to worry, whatever new construction she might afford one day I’m sure will built by Hispanic hands...it’ll just add to her own self inflicted impoverished state..can you spare some of that common sense stick?

efnx, on Jul 10, 2008 wrote: In middle school/high school I had some friends that invited me to build houses for families in Guatemala. I said yes. Then they told me it was through their church, so I said no. That summer I skated a lot, kissed some girls and had an all around great time enjoying my primo decision making skills.

Anonymous, on Jul 10, 2008 wrote: the question is were you ever a christian or just trying to do ’good things’ to earn your right to God. I agree chrstians should not just throw their religion at non believers but the truth is that sex drugs and alcohol are just temporary. You may think that makes me sound boring but im right and someday you will realise it

Anonymous, on Jul 10, 2008 wrote: can’t believe I just wasted my time reading all of these wanky fucking comments. I am at work and I am bored, but i have to draw the line somewhere - that was the most pointless load of self important crap - which I am admittedly adding to. The article,however, was defnitely entertaining. Mexico is an incredible place.

Anonymous, on Jul 10, 2008 wrote: Catholics spend too much on churches.

Anonymous, on Jul 10, 2008 wrote: Blah blah racist comment about bullshit that makes it evident I didn’t read or understand the article and so forth.

Anonymous, on Jul 9, 2008 wrote: hahahahaha that shit was hilarious. well done.

Anonymous, on Jul 9, 2008 wrote: Mejico es un pozo lleno de mierda ignorante y atrasada gracias al imperialismo yanqui. Pero igual lo es.

Anonymous, on Jul 8, 2008 wrote: The lesson here isn’t "Don’t even try." It’s "See reality as it is, not as you wish it was."

penelope boner, on Jul 8, 2008 wrote: all I meant to say by this article was that all missionary conversion attempts are pointless, most Christians have good intentions but are ill-informed and all 15 year olds are fucking idiots.

Anonymous, on Jul 8, 2008 wrote: es chistoso por que de chavita eras justamente el estereotipo de gabacho que a nosotros los mexicanos (y creo que el resto del mundo)nos caga, aque bueno que mandaste todo a la chingada a los 16! porque ahorita rifas (ademas, sino habria un guerito ignorante mas en el mundo y eso no le hace bien a nadie) -paulina

Anonymous, on Jul 8, 2008 wrote: Julia, you ought to make "flashback comix" with this material for FartParty books...That would be Rad!

Anonymous, on Jul 8, 2008 wrote: well i’m not agaisnt foreigners coming down to Mexico to try re-educating (religiously) the people most affected by poverty, the only thing i find disturbing is the fact that most US citizens if not the majority think that Mexico is one big cesspool when in fact there are quite many areas(cities, towns) higly industrialized or urbanized and well developed. As in most countries, there are regions where poverty is much more obvious but... thinking that most Mexico is constituted of cardboard-houses is moronic, lol btw as someone already said "religion is the opium of the masses" so let those christians try all they want, in the end we will all go to hell :)

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