LOVE SQUIRTS
Adameve.com
Dir: Daniel Dakota
Rating: 8
I don’t trust that my wife truly loves me. The entire relationship seems suspect to me. I often question what her ulterior motives are. I mean, have you seen what she looks like? Stunning. Then I must ask, have you seen what I look like? Needless to say, I leave something to be desired. And when I say “something,” I mean everything. I don’t know what it is she’s after with me because I haven’t much to offer. Money is scarce, notoriety is limited to nerds and prostitutes, and my looks are, as I said, sideshow tent at best. So what is it?
Recently I suggested we increase our life-insurance policies. She seemed to get excited by the idea. “That’s a great idea,” she said. “Is it?” I asked, “Why?” “In case something happens.” “Something? Like what? You kill me in my sleep?” She ignored that last part. Or maybe I didn’t say it out loud, only thought it in my head. Ever since she “fell in love with me” (which was instantaneous, since I am such a MEGA CATCH), I have been giving her little tests to see how deep her love really is. I’ll force my top teeth far past my bottom ones in an ugly,
Simpsons-character overbite, folding my upper lip up to touch my nose and my lower one into my mouth, and I’ll ask her, “Would you still love me if I looked like this?” She lies and says, “Yes.” Sometimes I pull both of my arms into my t-shirt and stick just my folded elbows back into the arm holes for a double Def Leppard and ask her if she’d still love me if I couldn’t play the drums anymore. She reminds me I am unable to play the drums now, with two arms.
On occasion I have removed my undergarments in her presence, pushed the head of my member into its shaft, making it completely disappear and look like some
Pan’s Labyrinth monster, and I ask her, “If my pee-pee had no head and thus no pee hole and the pee had to find a different way out, maybe through my nose or my ears, and I peed everywhere, uncontrollably, and you always had to clean up my pee and change my clothes because I kept soaking my shirts in pee, would you still love me?” She always says yes but I wonder if she listens to the question all the way through. Of if she stops listening after I take my pants off and start speaking. So I ask her again, “If my pee-pee had no head and thus no pee hole and the pee had to find a different way out, maybe through my nose or my ears, and I peed everywhere, uncontrollably, and you always had to clean up my pee and change my clothes because I kept soaking my shirts in pee, would you still love me?” She thinks she is funny and says she didn’t hear me and can I please repeat the question. “Don’t be cute.” I tell her. “I’m the funny one in this relationship. I’m being serious. Answer the question.”
CHRIS NIERATKO
For more of Chris go to chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com.
Anonymous, on Nov 2, 2009 wrote:
i saw a cat eating a heroin needle on my way to the arm bands factory yesterday. is this relevant? |
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Anonymous, on Nov 1, 2009 wrote:
i like this guy |
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Anonymous, on Oct 23, 2009 wrote:
dude has good taste in decks...nice Unbelievers collectors board hanging on his wall. |
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Anonymous, on Jun 26, 2009 wrote:
you are all retarded...did the picture sway you into reading in the hope that it was about ...ehhh....retards? These articles are fuckin terrific and not to analyzed. sorry the reponses were so frustrating to read. My co-worker jsut said koo-koo-head. now i need to have a drink. |
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Anonymous, on Jun 3, 2009 wrote:
Dude has issues. |
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