NEWSLETTER

BY AIDAN MOFFAT
ILLUSTRATIONS BY MILANO CHOW

She didnae say anythin else. She looked at me for a wee second while she thought aboot it but she didnae think aboot it for long because two seconds later she opened the door an sat doon. As soon as she hears the locks go doon on the doors, she pulls up her wee skirt an takes her knickers doon quick, no slow like in a film or somethin. No off, mind, just doon, so they’re roond aboot her ankles for the whole journey. Obviously Ah’m takin the fuckin long route noo, ye know! Ah said Ah’d take her home, Ah didnae say Ah’d dae it in a hurry! An she doesnae even look at me, she just stares oot the Taxi windae, watchin everybody ootside as she starts tae touch herself. She starts rubbin her thighs on the inside at the top, at either side ay the fanny, which was really bushy, no what Ah’d expected. Ah thought she would’ve had a shave, ye know—Ah thought aw the birds did that these days, Ah read a thing aboot it in a magazine. So anyway then she starts workin her way doon tae the actual fanny, puttin her fingers through her pubes an rubbin her wee button an that, an it’s no long until she’s slidin her fingers in an oot an they’re all fuckin shiny an juicy fae her bein that fuckin wet an that, ye know? Man, she was fuckin right intae it! Ah couldnae fuckin believe it but there Ah was at the bottom ay Byres Road wih a right fuckin stiffy nearly burstin oot ma jeans! So Ah go further up Dumbarton Road that wee bit an take the right up tae Hyndland Street an then turn intae White Street tae drop her off. She doesnae even say anythin, just pulls up her pants an gets oot, nae good-bye or nothin.

An Ah couldnae help maself, Ah had tae dae somethin aboot it, ye know what it’s like. It was fuckin late, so Ah didnae think there’d be anycunt up an aboot, an it wasnae gonnae fuckin take long, Ah can tell ye that! So Ah get ma cock oot an Ah start havin a wank, ye know, an ma eyes are shut an all Ah’m thinkin aboot is her in the back with her fingers wet, her wee white knickers wrapped roond her ankles above her wee strappy heels, starin oot the windae at the steamin cunts ootside who couldnae even guess what she’s up tae in the back, an Ah’m sure it must’ve only took a minute, but as soon as Ah’d shot ma load Ah hears a TAP TAP TAP on the windae.

Fuckin Polis. Boys in Fuckin Blue. Turns oot they’d been at a flat across the road cause there was a complaint aboot the noise, some fuckin students havin a party or somethin. Ah never seen their car cause they’d parked roond the corner, probably couldnae get a space, it’s fuckin murder roond there. So just as they were walkin oot fae this party, they clock me across the street wih ma fuckin cock in ma hands. Ah was that right intae ma wank, Ah didnae even hear the fuckin close door shut, so here’s me wih ma dribblin knob hangin oot ma troosers an spunk all over the steerin wheel an ma hands, P. C. Plod shinin the fuckin torch in tae get a good fuckin look. So Ah thought Ah’d try an ease the situation wih a bit ay humour, ye know, so Ah says wih a smile, Can Ah help ye, Officer?

Cunt didnae find that very funny mind you.

Aye, Indecent Exposure, but that’s no the worst ay it, wait till ye hear this—that fuckin wee cow had minded the Taxi number an phoned the Polis tae complain aboot me askin her tae dae things in the back ay the taxi. Inappropriate Behaviour ma boss called it. She doesnae fuckin tell them Ah took her up the road, does she? Naw, an she’ll no tell them that she was fuckin right intae it an her fanny was fuckin drippin, will she? Fuckin steamin bitch, she seemed quite fuckin happy at the time, Ah can assure ye that. Ah mean it’s no as if Ah’m some sort ay fuckin rapist, is it? For fuck’s sake.

So ma lawyer reckons Ah’ll lose ma Taxi Licence for definite, an maybe Ah’ll get fined or get Community Service, but Ah shouldnae get prison, fingers crossed. But what Ah’m really worried aboot is what if Ah get put on the Sex Offenders Register? That’ll be me double fucked. Once yer on that, that’s you—Ah’ll no be able tae live anywhere withoot gettin ma windaes panned or ma heed kicked in an the fuckin rest ay it. Doesnae matter what ye’ve done, these cunts’ll no ask questions, Ah’ll be a pervert an that’ll be it. Gary Glitter, Jonathan King, Michael Fuckin Jackson, Yours Truly. Ah mean Ah was only havin a wank for fuck’s sake!

Anyway, mate, just let me off here. That’s fine, aye. Wish me luck, Ah’ll fuckin need it!

There ye go, keep the change.

See ye later.

Copyright © 2008 by Aidan Moffat


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