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THE EPICLY LATER’D PAGE
By Patrick O’Dell, illustration by Kevin “Spanky” Long
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I hate kids. I mean, not kids in general, but little clueless turds at the skatepark who wear helmets and ask dumb questions like, “How high can you ollie?” and “Can I have your board?” I hate air babies, the kids who do fatty to flatties out of the bowl, or try to ollie off the quarter pipe to flat bottom (I hate their Skate Dads too). I hate kids who skate around the park in circles and get in everyone’s way, who snake people and push mongo. It’s so obvious how hateable they all are, but I just wanted to get that off my chest. When I wrote for Thrasher I never wrote with those kids in mind as the audience, and now that I make a show, I don’t make it with them in mind either. I mean, it would suck to go out of business and I know shits like that are probably the biggest demographic in skateboarding, but I seriously would rather be broke. I hope they all die away from me.
Here’s a drawing Spanky made of a kid like that at a demo. I think the kid was asking him all kinds of bullshit. Spanky is actually really nice to kids and finds them entertaining, but not me—I hope they all quit skateboarding and we go back to an early-90s skate recession. So what? I also think it’s your responsibility as an older skater to be dicks to those kids, push them over when they get in your way, and make fun of their Ryan Sheckler boards. That’s just your duty. |
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See all articles by this contributor
Anonymous, on Oct 5, 2009 wrote:
thrasher king of the road does it right.
challenge: focus a mongo kids board.. | | liver, on Jul 3, 2009 wrote:
everything said in this article is valid. | | Anonymous, on Feb 24, 2009 wrote:
odell, shut the fuck up. you were a mongo pushing suburban skate kid once, too.. as were more than half your guests / friends once, too. | | Anonymous, on Dec 15, 2008 wrote:
got ritalin? | | Anonymous, on Dec 10, 2008 wrote:
should’ve given the whole issue to spanky. that is awesome! | | Anonymous, on Dec 7, 2008 wrote:
how high can you 900? | | Anonymous, on Dec 5, 2008 wrote:
fake ass skater = o’dell | | Anonymous, on Dec 4, 2008 wrote:
this is so dead on its great...at a boy O’ dell...fuck mongo pushing little skate nerds...anyone who thinks other wise is lame...teach kidsthe rules by being an asshole...everyones so sensitive | | Anonymous, on Dec 4, 2008 wrote:
on the new epicly later’d lakai mike carroll ep, o’dell kind of (pretty big stretch) explains what he wrote here. he comes way short of an apology. | | Anonymous, on Dec 4, 2008 wrote:
O’Dell = O’Dick after this one... | | Anonymous, on Dec 4, 2008 wrote:
i really like the show, but you sound like a dick every time you write something down. | | Anonymous, on Dec 4, 2008 wrote:
ooooh. this should have been the cover. its perfect! | | Anonymous, on Dec 4, 2008 wrote:
damn patrick. i liked you so much better before this diatribe. you realize you sound just like the meathead idiots that you and your friends despise, right? love your stuff but you should keep away from the op-ed shit. | | Anonymous, on Dec 4, 2008 wrote:
I hear Jerry Hsu is a bigger asshole than this lufe. Not like the asshole described in this essay, but the kind you find at a upscale restaurant. I also love the macho undertone to this one. | | Anonymous, on Dec 4, 2008 wrote:
Do you even skate? | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
Do=Patrick O’Dell Don’t=Ryan Sheckler
Do=Read Thrasher Don’t=Use Proactiv
Do=Skate Baker Don’t=Skate Red Bull
Any ?’s
| | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
Taking skating back!!! I helped build this shit just like O’Dell did and the guys before us. MTV and pussy mall shops damn sure aren’t going to take that shit away from us. Please take us back to the recession days and thin this herd of jerkoffs out. | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
That is the real shit from O’Dell. Good job buddy, the only people that will whine and bitch about you saying that are non-skaters anyway. Fuck em’ teach the kids right and skating will remain true forever!!! Long live O’Dell!!!!!!!!!! | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
all that comes to mind is: they’re young, you’re old, and you’re balding. they win. | | poozer, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
forgot to mention earlier that i love the show and epiclylaterd.com. just not down with the condescending attitude. | | Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
that’s so punk rock
I’m going to go to my local skate spot right now and push around kids, so that in several years time when they’re all grown up they can resent the next generation of kids comming up and the vicious cycle can continue, till humanity is dead YAY! | | Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
I like most of your work but always suspected that you may be a dick. You really sound like one. | | Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
who knew spanky was the next r. crumb? | | poozer, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
mr. anonymous is dead on with "its not cool to be not cool."
since when is being nice to kids uncool? you were one of these pipsqueaks back in the day. oh wait, i guess you were always uber cool and had indie-celeb friends back then too.
so maybe you’re not a kid person. that’s fine. encouraging people to fuck with them isn’t. spanky, the real skater here, doesn’t mind them so why should you? he looks like the good guy here and you look like a prick.
| | Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
patrick, i really like you show, but fuck you. you are supposed to be a stupid grommet when you’re a kid and just learning to skate. you get smarter and you get some taste and if you’re truly love it, you keep skating. i’m 32, been skating for 20 years, and i still hate those "big guys" that were dicks to me at the skatepark. they were what was wrong with skateboarding, they made it less inclusive and less fun. when i was with my friends, my crew, those are the memories i cherish and what made me who i am today. this essay comes off as a totally elitist, cooler-than-thou and pathetic attempt to cling to some image that is only appreciated by 15-year-old girls and jackasses who want to dress like you and your friends. i would say what’s wrong with skateboarding is not dumb kids who are at the park trying to learn how to skate, being inarticulate and annoying around their IDOLS, but it’s skaters who are transitioning into becoming fashion models for bullshit lifestyle companies who sell poorly made clothing. you’re reaping what you’re sowing, whether you mean to or not. your legacy is not only a really superb skateboarding show, but also another stupid fashion trend in skateboarding, like baggy pants and small wheels, just much more successfully and widely marketed. please stick to making your show and skateboarding and spare us the attempts at looking like dr. cool (this includes photos of yourself with famous people who just happen to be your friends and self portraits of yourself smirking. while these would look great as myspace profile shots, they are embarrassing to get through while searching for the good photos). you are very talented, but it’s becoming pathetic.
sincerely,
n | | supercentral, on Nov 30, 2008 wrote:
skateboarding is at its worst point right now, since the great depression....im more annoyed by footlocker and face tats than clueless kids | | Anonymous, on Nov 30, 2008 wrote:
its not cool to be not cool, but fuck man sometimes the little shits just need to be told. | | Anonymous, on Nov 30, 2008 wrote:
so what you’re saying is that nobody should have the divine privilege to skate unless they have talent?
ignorant fucktard | | Anonymous, on Nov 29, 2008 wrote:
Truth. I don’t think I was ever too bad but older heads were routinely mean to me. Sadder, I didn’t even know it half the time. Their sarcasm was so deep that the pain came out in science class-finally realizing that my hard earned baby-benihanna had been a laughing stock. I fully support this kind of systematic, unrelenting verbal abuse on children and tweens-I am a better skateboarder as a result. Crash into ’em all, spill beer on their shoes ’by accident dude’, and sleep with their young and plump mothers. The skateboarders worth skating with will emerge stronger and no ammends will be unmet. The kids who can’t take it shouldn’t be around anyhow;by hastening their quitting, you improve countless of future sessions. Spect! | | Anonymous, on Nov 28, 2008 wrote:
mongo a go-go | | | Next 30 comments > |
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