SKINEMABy Chris Nieratko
CUM ON MY TATTOOS 4
Burningangel.com
Dir: Joanna Angel
Rating: 9
Vice: Hi, boss lady.
Joanna Angel: I thought we were going |
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to be able to do this legally. They made driving on the phone in California illegal so I went and bought one of those hands-free things but the battery is dead. So now we’re going to have to do this illegally
Illegal phone sex? I’m nervous.
Don’t be nervous. I should be the one who’s nervous because I’m the one who could go to jail.
Should we do this later?
No. I want it to be risky.
We’re living on the edge.
I think it’s awesome.
Yes. Awesome. And dirty.
So how is this going to work? Are we both going to masturbate? Are you just masturbating and I’m egging you on? Am I masturbating? How do you want to do this?
What would you prefer?
I think you should just masturbate since you’ve seen me masturbate and do things.
But now I’m under your employ.
So I should order you to masturbate or you’re not going to get your 10,000 blowjobs this month?
I suppose you should sexily tell me how my performance has been on the job.
You’re OK but people are complaining... Do you hear that? I’m eating a sandwich.
Is it in your mouth?
It’s deep inside my mouth.
Swallow it. Swallow the sandwich.
Done. Now I’m going to wash it down with a soda, which I am going to put in my mouth.
Drink it.
That was good.
Do you like that?
I really liked it. So am I supposed to tell you you’re a bad boy? Is that what’s going to turn you on? If I tell you how millions of people have written in complaining about your terrible record reviews?
That would be good. If you could incorporate my name into it as well, that would help.
So many people write and complain, Chris Nieratko, because all you do is spout nonsense about the titles of the CDs. You have been a really, really bad boy.
Has my performance warranted some sort of disciplinary action?
Yes. You need to get punished.
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Before you do so, could you please inform me as to what types of garments you are currently wearing?
I am wearing a little gray dress and pink tube socks and—
I believe the correct response is “Nothing.”
I was going to get to that, God. I’m not wearing any panties and I was going to tell you that once I got done describing my outfit. If I said “Nothing” then you would know I wasn’t telling the truth.
You’re not driving in your car naked?
No, but I’m driving around without panties because I’m such a whore and that way if I find someone on the highway I want to have sex with it would be really easy.
Do you even own a pair of panties?
Yes. One pair but they are crotchless.
Could you exit your car, nude, and allow an entire vehicle to drive up inside your vagina because you are a porn star?
Yeah. I’ll do that right now. Let me pull over. I’m on the side of the highway. I’m spreading my legs open and my pussy is, oh, so wet. And now a car is going in. Vroom vroom.
How many cars?
Just one. Let it get in there a little bit.
Could you also insert an automobile into your not-front-part?
Let me see if any automobiles here want to do that. OK. I have found someone. It’s a big Escalade.
I would also enjoy an Escalade in your mouth.
But then I won’t be able to talk.
Oh. Right. Then that would defeat the purpose of this conversation. I’m not well versed in this manner of talk.
That’s because you suck.
I don’t feel very stimulated by this dialogue.
Why? I’m eating a sandwich. Do we need to go in a different direction?
You’re not committed to my satisfaction.
What gets you going? What more can you ask for? I’m trying everything. I put a car in my ass and pussy and that wasn’t good enough for you?
Is there any way I could have a rebate and we could try this again some other time?
Yeah, we can try it again. That’s cool.
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CHRIS NIERATKO
For more of Chris go to chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com. In fact, for more of Chris keep reading right here because we asked him to do a few more interviews for this issue and they are coming up in a few hours.
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Jul 6, 2009 wrote:
Jesus Christ! | |
| one2ohmygoddd, on Dec 11, 2008 wrote:
comment below attributable to me. | | Anonymous, on Dec 11, 2008 wrote:
I lolled. Joanna is HAF. I don’t dig her movies, though, I think they’re tacky. Incidentally, I know one of the girls on the site (play the odds on this one, I guess, there’s like ten thousand of them now), I lived upstairs from her in college. +2 | | Anonymous, on Dec 10, 2008 wrote:
Well dang, you guys. This actually made me laugh real hard. | |
| | | Anonymous, on Nov 10, 2008 wrote:
Just weird.not even remotely funny | | Anonymous, on Nov 3, 2008 wrote:
What the hell is with people? No sense of humor? Stick up their ass? This was funny in the way Chris is known for. What the hell did you expect coming here?
I for one thought it was lulzy and made of win. | |
| KillFuck, on Oct 28, 2008 wrote:
this sucked. | | Anonymous, on Oct 28, 2008 wrote:
fail | | Anonymous, on Oct 27, 2008 wrote:
Would have been funnier if it was .....ANYTHING ELSE.
FAIL. | |
| paddym, on Oct 27, 2008 wrote:
You couldn’t pay me to beat off to the shit videos Joanna Angel makes. She should go to jail for making lame, boring films and Max Hardcore should be free.... | | Anonymous, on Oct 27, 2008 wrote:
for the comments on this... some people are so up there own ass. this was silly and made me smile..all good in my book!<3 | | Anonymous, on Oct 26, 2008 wrote:
The final straw is that their porn columnist interviewed a woman he works for who makes porn? You’re weird. | | Anonymous, on Oct 26, 2008 wrote:
OK that’s it. That’s the final straw. I am done with Vice magazine. It’s not a boycott; I’m just not going to read anything that Vice publishes, ever.
Not that it makes any difference to me but I know there are other people like me reading Vice articles because they’re clever and funny but sometimes you just have to ascribe to a higher principle you know? So to the fence-sitters who are drawn in by the crap Vice puts out I just want to encourage you to follow that hunch you’ve had and stop checking out Vice because the joke got old in the first year.
| | Anonymous, on Oct 24, 2008 wrote:
This shit was bunk! | | Anonymous, on Oct 24, 2008 wrote:
ahaha you called Joanna Angel gross in one of your Do’s and Don’ts and now your interviewing her | | Anonymous, on Oct 24, 2008 wrote:
Hilarious. The oversexed become unsexed. I like that she doesn’t have a problem with saying that she could fit an escalade in her ass. | |
| neezy, on Oct 24, 2008 wrote:
i <3 joking with my girl friends about how I want to fuck their brains out | | Anonymous, on Oct 24, 2008 wrote:
"Could you exit your car, nude, and allow an entire vehicle to drive up inside your vagina because you are a porn star?
Yeah. I’ll do that right now. Let me pull over. I’m on the side of the highway. I’m spreading my legs open and my pussy is, oh, so wet. And now a car is going in. Vroom vroom."
WIN | | Anonymous, on Oct 24, 2008 wrote:
phone sex is always so awkward. | | Anonymous, on Oct 24, 2008 wrote:
awesome | | Anonymous, on Oct 24, 2008 wrote:
yawn.. lame | | |
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