NEWSLETTER

CHRIS NIERATKO - SECTION 3

Steve Martin and Steve Martin. Photo courtesy of Steve Martin.

STEVE MARTIN
by Chris Nieratko

Vice: Are you the Steve Martin that used to be funny in the 70s in movies like The Jerk?

Steve Martin: No, I am not. Although many people have made funny jokes in reference to that and have inadvertently given me upgrades at hotels and on flights and then expressed great disappointment when I showed up. But they were too embarrassed by their own star-fucking blunders to reverse it. I once had a really nice private-floor suite at South by Southwest.

Does that make you feel disappointed in who you really are?

No, not at all. Like you, I have my own little fiefdom where I’m famous, where the perks of being the Steve Martin that I am are arguably better than the perks he has.

Which Steve Martin are you?

I’m the publicist guy.

What happened to the other guy?

You know there’s more than one other. There’s the guy who made the theremin documentary, who once got served with a US Marshall’s notice that he ran up all these insane credit-card charges making that movie and they were coming after my shit. It was really weird because my office number was off by one number from his, my home address at the time was East 12th and he lived on East 12th. I met him. I’d seen him around and he couldn’t look less like me. He was like six-and-a-half-feet tall, salt-and-pepper red hair. I had to call the marshalls and be like, “I don’t want to rat this guy out but I also don’t want to give you my money, so here’s where he lives.”

Weren’t you at a party where you got introduced to the other Steve Martin?

Yeah, that’s true. It was a Saturday Night Live party.

Wasn’t the other Steve Martin a total dick?

I wouldn’t go that far. He was just awkward.

Can I go that far and call him a dick?

As long as you don’t say that I said it. It was weird. We’ve all heard stories about different celebrities' idiosyncrasies whether it’s Danny Thomas wanting people to shit on a glass table over his face or that little midget from Fantasy Island. I was pretty aware that he was a private guy and a Mensa genius and doesn’t like to be bothered and keeps to himself. This was a pretty crazy party and he was just keeping to himself in the corner. So Adam Horovitz from the Beastie Boys insisted that we meet and he said, “Give me your driver’s license.” So I did, and he walked over to him and Steve Martin took out these grandpa glasses, saw what it was, looked around, saw me, walked over, and said, “Nice name.” I was like, “Man, I’ve gone through 30 years of ribbing and that’s the best you can do?” And he was like, “Do you want to take a picture or something?” Not in a mean way but just that he didn’t know what else to say. I called my wife over and said, “Hey, Steve Martin wants to take a picture.” That was it.

Have you ever worn one of those wild and crazy comedic fake arrows on your head for Halloween?

No, never did that. Never wore a white suit. Nothing. I guess I’ve squandered a lot of chances. I guess when I was starting up I could have marketed my company as a wild and crazy PR firm.

Have you ever made any crappy movies with Queen Latifah?

No, never done that. I played guitar for a living but never played banjo.

Well, that’s something I suppose.


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