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 CHRIS NIERATKO - SECTION 3
JERRY HSU (AGAIN) by Chris Nieratko Vice: Jerry, I’m eating a salad. Is it OK if I eat while we talk? Jerry Hsu: Of course. If it makes this easier for you and makes it go by quicker for me then go ahead and eat. Why? Do you not want to talk to me? No, I want to talk to you, Chris. Am I being interviewed right now? We are recording. Do you feel interviewed? A little bit. I feel that feeling. My stomach feels uncomfortable. What if I said I turned the recorder off? That is much better. Chris, what is up? Man, nice to talk to you. This moment is so real. Let me ask you, when did you realize you were Jerry Hsu? I think as soon as I started getting paid and the checks said Jerry Hsu, that’s when I knew I was Jerry Hsu. But I’m not talking about Jerry Hsu the Asian. Or Jerry Hsu the skateboarder. I’m talking about the Jerry Hsu that Vice has made you into: an art celebrity without peer. Oh. I don’t know if I can pinpoint a moment really. Boy. I think we need to stretch and do some jumping jacks before we jump into this. Are there days when Vice being so on your dick is so overwhelming that you just have to say, “Guys, love me a little less today.” Yeah. Basically every day. Every day it’s like that. Missed calls, unopened emails. But it feels nice to be able to dismiss those kinds of things and just go on with my life. What are some of the traits that you like about Vice that keeps you keeping them around? It’s nice to open up a Vice and see the new Colt 45 ad campaigns and keep in touch with what youth culture is doing. You know, to see what kind of pro skater is endorsing what kind of headphone company these days. And it’s nice to know when the Polyphonic Spree has a new album coming out. What are some of the personality traits that you don’t like about Vice? It would be nicer to be put on a higher pedestal than I am now. It would be nice if Vice honored me a little bit more. Maybe if I was mentioned in more issues. Every issue would be nice. Aren’t you mentioned in every issue? I don’t think so. It would be nice to be the Employee of the Month, every month. You know what I would like? I’d like to be a founder. That would be nice. Are you aware that Vice credits you with the cardigan? They credit me? For the existence of the cardigan? That’s pretty good. Thanks, Vice. They also say you invented the camera. That’s accurate. They checked their facts. They went so far as to burn any book that has mention of an Asian prior to you. Really? You are the first Asian. What about Ben Cho? Never heard of it. Is that a sex maneuver? I don’t know, Chris. You would know. Actually you would know. Don’t you have a sister who is a porn star named Jade Hsu? We were actually married once. She kept my name. It was a little weird, it was arranged by my parents. Unbeknownst to them she has kind of a crazy streak. Things didn’t really work out so they unarranged it. Were her feet bound? No, they’re huge. She had gigantic feet. It was disgusting. Anyone in your family responsible for Pearl Harbor? Well, me being the first Asian I guess I would be responsible, right? Touché. See. You got to warm me up. You can’t just shove it in, Chris. You gotta wine and dine me, some kisses on the neck, and then I’ll get going. Who loves you more? Patrick O’Dell or me? That’s not a question I can answer. You guys have to discuss that between yourselves. You’ve probably made me more money. But I don’t want to say. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, especially yours, Chris. Ouch. That leads me to believe you’re leaning toward Patrick. Not necessarily. Maybe that didn’t come out right. What I meant to say was, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, especially not Patrick O’Dell’s. In this issue I have interviewed people who have had their faces ripped off by dogs, lost fingers and toes, watched people die, and electrified their vaginas. So, what have you got? I’m boring. Nothing ever happens to me. I can calculate a tip after a meal pretty well. What percentage do you use? Well, that depends on how good the service was and how delicious my meal was. It ranges usually from 15 to 20 percent. Do you ever go over 20 percent? I did last night at the Olive Garden because the guy who waited on me and my girlfriend was a skater and he was extra nice. Did you leave him an autograph? Of course I left him an autograph. I paid with my credit card. I also left him a 25-percent tip. He was just so nice and excited. The service was just excellent. Did you send him back for breadsticks? Twice. And salad? Twice. And he boxed up my Tour of Italy all nice. Everything was separated. What is the Tour of Italy? The Tour of Italy is what I get every time I’m at the Olive Garden. It would be lasagna, chicken parmesan, and fettuccine alfredo. Endless pasta bowls. Yeah. That’s a lot. Have you ever been to the Olive Garden? I have. And I know that I really enjoy their breadsticks and salad. Yeah. That’s what I do, Chris. I fill up on the salad and the breadsticks and then I just take the meal home and eat it later. Sometimes I get an entire bowl of salad and I just dump it on the floor because I know they’ll bring more. OK. That wasn’t a question. Yeah, that wasn’t really an answer. Where else does the Jerry Hsu that we read about in Vice magazine like to eat? You can find me at 7-11 getting nachos. So very urban. You can find me at Chinese restaurants with my parents. Are you Chinese? Yeah. I thought you were Filipino. Who told you that? Wikipedia? What are you doing right now? What are you wearing? Nothing. I’m just sitting in my chair. You’re doing nothing or you’re wearing nothing? Both. What do you think all the Vice kids are wearing right now? American Apparel? I was gonna say top hats. CONTINUED CHRIS NIERATKO - SECTION THREE | 1 | 2 | >
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