DOS & DON'TS

If something ever happens to our national acid supply, homeroom is really going to suck. Comments/Enlarge | See all

When girls tell their parents they met a nice Spanish guy on their European vacation, dads don’t think of Javier Bardem. They see this. Comments/Enlarge | See all

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A GUY WHO PUKED ON HOLLYWOOD STARS

INTERVIEW BY AMY KELLNER SELF-PORTRAITS BY JAMIE TAETE

Vice: Why did you do this?

Jamie Taete: I was in LA and I just figured why not. It’s all people I have a fairly large problem with.

Is it real puke?

Yes. I tried to eat different gross combos of food, like for Wesley Snipes I ate Doritos and milk. I was hoping it would look really foul, but it all ended up looking the same.

How did you make yourself puke so much?

I just stuck my fingers down my throat.

It’s that easy for you?

Yeah, I puke quite a lot. I was brushing my teeth the other day and I puked because I accidentally brushed the back of my tongue.

Did anyone see you or try to stop you?

Most people just ignored me. I guess there’s weirder stuff happening on the boulevard at 4 AM. One person yelled at my friend while he was peeing on Siegfried & Roy’s star, but it was in Spanish so I don’t know what he said. Maybe he was saying, “Right on!”

How many stars did you puke on?

Twelve. There were tons more I wanted to do but I ran out of time. Plus I got really sick from doing it. I couldn’t eat for four days and my teeth felt really gravelly for a few days afterward from the stomach acid, I guess. I’m sorry I didn’t get to do Pierce Brosnan or Kim Basinger or Mariah Carey or Johnny Depp. And unfortunately Ethan Hawke, Russell Crowe, and Sandra Bullock don’t even have stars.

So you just, like, hate these people?

Yeah, with the exception of Meryl Streep and Olivia Newton-John. Those were affectionate pukes.

Who’s your ultimate most-hated celebrity?

Wesley Snipes is my least favorite person on earth probably. He’s just hideous. Have you heard about his ear hair?

Ear hair?

Apparently he has really long hair in one ear but he won’t cut it for some religious reason. They have to CGI it out of movies that he’s in. It really upsets me.