NEWSLETTER

November 10: Old School Pizzeria, Olympia, WA
I always thought I would want to burn this town to the ground the second I stepped foot in it. but you know what? I was kind of digging all the lesbian Women's Agriculture majors and bloggers. We played a fucking KILLER show with Sex Vid and Thrones at a pizza joint that Adrock's sister works at. We all tried to fuck her. Sex Vid actually blew me the fuck away. I also got blown away as I watched RJ from SV jack-off a chihuahua to completion later that evening. I knew Olympia knew how to party!


November 12: Tracy’s house, Boise, ID
We have a couple days off to drive through nuclear testing areas and Bob Ross landscapes. Tonight we drove to Boise to see an old friend of ours who took us to see Neil Hamburger. It was Monday night… in Boise. Neil was bummed. I got his dopey ass to debase me for maybe 10 minutes straight. Then we all stared at a group of unfuckables who were knitting at the bar. Boise.


November 14: Triple Rock Social Club, Minneapolis, MN
Everyone in Minneapolis is fat. That’s cool. We played with Joan Jett and the Blackhearts (or at least it seemed that way considering all the leathery broad-bands that were on the bill). This show was pretty whack ’cept for talking about drugs and how Chris form Reptilian Records is a grown man that calls himself a Satanist with Paddy from D4.


November 16: Chill and Mingle Bar, Detroit, MI
Most violent gig of tour. The SECOND we started fights broke out. We have a couple degenerate friends from Detroit who put on our first show there and always come out to start shit whenever we’re in town. After about the fourth or fifth fight the entire crowd forced one of these assholes outside. The bar was seriously empty for at least three minutes.

Right before the last song this bozo started screaming at me from the back of the bar to “Go back to Nebraska!” He then came at us like a girl in art school with no direction or confidence. I booted him in the chest and he fell back into the crowd, only to bounce right back up and kick my guitar. Richie dove over the drums and tackled him, but it got broken up when the dude started yelling" IT"S A JOKE!!! WHATEVS!!! LOAD RECORDS!!! WTF, BRB, LOL!!!" Turns out it was Timmy from Human Eye. Strobe lights, dude.


November 17: The Note, Chicago, IL
This show was bunk except for the fact that I got to tell the story of how I lost my virginity in between songs. I will share it with you now.

I had my first girlfriend in the basement of her house and we started fucking on a sofa. I was cramming away like a champ but she didn't want to watch my penis going into her vagina for some reason. Maybe loss of innocence or some American Pie nonsense. I kept putting my dick into her pussy but she had on this enormous white sweater which she had pulled up to cover her eyes. She just absolutely would not look at my dick going in. Weird, right? Especially for a guy’s first time. Then I came and she got pissed because I came inside her (even though I was wearing a condom) and wouldn’t look at me at all. That was the only thing in the set that got a response from the crowd.

The next night we played the Subterranean to a much smarter audience.

November 19: Carabar, Columbus, OH
Before we left Chicago we visited our buddy Stephen at Electrical Audio. He showed us the studio’s lounge area and Albini's chair, which he sniffs during masturbation. In Columbus we played with my favorite new 16-year-old hardcore band, Vegetative State. During the set tonight I kicked the mic stand while still holding the top and sent the base of it flying right into VS’s bass player's eye. I honestly thought I took his eye out. He disappeared for 30 seconds and then came back with a towel to sop up the gush and continued to headbang. Trooper. After the show I told him I was bummed that I’d fucked up his face, but then his buddy grabbed me with the vigor of a chronic masturbator and yelled “Dude, Shark—fuck him! He’s going to brag about this at school for the rest of the year. He should be thanking you!”

I gave him a free shirt and a sporting locker-room jab in the ass, then hopped in the van and drove the eight hours home to an alternating soundtrack of Karen’s egregious log-sawing and Freaks, Faggots, Drunks, and Junkies playing dimly from the back seat.

JOHN SHARKEY III


WESTERN HUMILIATION 2007 | 1 | 2 |

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