Barely Legal Corrupted #8
Hustlerworld.com
Dir: Van Styles
Rating: 8
There’s a chance that as I type this my wife might be pregnant. Despite what I may have told you before about being eager to have a child, I’m considering asking her to get an abortion. It’s not that I’ve had a change of heart on the whole “kids thing,” it’s simply that I just learned Red Bull has agreed to end my book tour next month in Hawaii. HAWAII, I said! And I’m not really sure that I want to go halfway around the world with some pregnant chick, you know? Even if she is my wife. I mean, who am I going to drink with? She can’t indulge in all-night booze fests with me the way we used to and I imagine that would bum her out. And if she thinks I’m not going to drink just because she can’t, she’s got another thing coming.
It would be cool if they did semi-abortions. Not total and irreversible abortions but abortions for flip-floppers. One day you’re all, “Take this damn watermelon seed out of my vagina. I’m over it,” then a few days later you could be all, “Hey, what the hell? Give me my baby back, dingo-face. Oh, you took me serious? No, no, no. I was just kidding. Obviously you don’t know funny.”
It would also be entertaining if they could flick little fetuses like boogers, you know like when you have a wet one on your index finger and then you transfer it onto your thumb and really send that sonofabitch flying? That would be funny, right? Once my friend had to poop while driving and didn’t feel like pulling over so he just pulled his pants down, shit in his hand, and threw it out the window. I’m not sure what he did with his shit hand. Air-dried it out the window I suppose. Oh my God. Imagine he forgot he had poop hand and ran his fingers through his hair. Gross. Do people still run their fingers through their hair? Sounds so faggy-80s-romance-novel-y.
Whatever. Hawaii. What the fuck, right? Does punching girls in the stomach really work? See. That’s my problem. I don’t want the baby dead. I just want it to go on a fetal vacation and come back when we get back from Hawaii so that we can be selfish alcoholics in paradise for a few days. Is that asking so much? What if we froze the fetus with cryogenics—would that work? Do you think that if I packed my wife’s vagina full of ice it would have the same effect? We have a crushed-ice feature on our refrigerator so I could really pack it in there good. But then I’ll have to ask her to wear diapers the entire trip so all the ice doesn’t fall out. She’s not going to go for that—she hates tan lines. Maybe I can pack her full of ice and carry her around upside-down instead. It would be cool if I could throw some rum and fruit punch in with the ice and stick a straw and one of those festive umbrellas in her vagina and drink out of it. But I can’t imagine that would be very good for the baby. That’s probably how babies get fetal alcohol syndrome: fathers using pregnant mothers’ vaginas as a hurricane glass. I don’t know what to do. This kid is negative 8 1/2 months old and he’s already pissing me off.
CHRIS NIERATKO
For more Chris go to Chrisnieratko.com. His new Vice book, Skinema, is available from Americanapparel.net.
