TIDBITSA Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Noxious Issue
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DAINTY MUFF WARMER
Sometimes a girl will get so lonely and sad she’ll hook up with her gay friend and they’ll have a buddy version of a mercy fuck. Then she’ll send his penis this the next day as a thank-you.
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EMO NOTEPAD
This is where you can write, “I’m feeling so scared/about all the lies you wrote to me./I wish I could fight back but there’s nothing more to fight for./Nothing left but loneliness./Loneliness and pain./I wish I could hold you in the rain./In the rain.” |
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CABBAGE-AND-CONDOM FLAVORED CHIPS
Sure, when your friends are acting all cool and saying shit like, “Salt and vinegar kicks ass,” you’re going to go, “Yeah.” But wouldn’t you rather be chewing on some used condom you found near a tree or a boiled cabbage you pulled out of the garbage? How about if both were combined and barbeque-flavored? Yeah, we thought so. |
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CREE REARVIEW-MIRROR THING
This was procured from an Indian reservation for $1 and it looks like it took all day to make. Um, can we get these guys some actual jobs please? Even prisoners get 21 cents an hour.
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MEN PLUS KING POWER TEA
Methinks the Chinaman doth protest too much. Especially when he admits in brackets that this is just a new way to say “gay.”
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COSMIC BROWNIES
Do they not know that people put drugs in brownies and get really, really high or is this one of those things where the people at the snack company had that floating around in their subconscious and put it on the box without thinking where they got it from? In other words, is this a wink to us the way kids’ movies have little jokes in there for adults or are the people at Little Debbie completely fucking retarded?
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OFFENSIVE TOURIST BRACELETS
If you want to be a modern artist but you don’t have the time, just go to Cancun and have the guys who make those tacky tourist bracelets weave the most offensive things you can think of. Now come back to Manhattan, make up a bunch of complex jargon about globalization, and—bang—you’re an art star.
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BUTT AID
If you want to tell your parents you have powder for a baby’s ass but you’re too scared, just say, “I have AIDS. Just kidding, my baby does. Just kidding, she only has one aid. Just kidding, she has Butt Aid.” It’s a good way to ease into the news.
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VICTIM-DISPOSAL BAGS
You know rape and murder is getting out of control when date-rape drugs make their own garbage bags.
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CYLON GLASSES
We picked these up at Village de Valeurs in Montreal. The lights on the top scroll from right to left just like a Cylon’s helmet. Not sure why they have the word “funny” on the top. They are so badass they’re basically the tear tattoo of sunglasses.
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PREGNANCY FOR DUMMIES
Wait, isn’t that the problem in the first place? That pregnancy IS for dummies? Isn’t that what Idiocracy was about?
Thanks to Jeff Patch of Redondo Beach, CA
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BABY WHEELCHAIR
Babies can’t walk. That’s why people have strollers. So why does everyone get so freaked out when you put a baby in a wheelchair you bought off a website that sells accessories for giant dolls?
Get yours at mytwinn.com |
WINNER: PREGNANCY FOR DUMMIES
The guy who sent us this left his address as “Jeff Patch, Redondo Bch, CA.”
That’s it! That’s all he gave us. He’s either really important or really stoned. |
To win your free subscription to Vice, send tidbits to:
North America:VICE Magazine,
97 North 10th Street, Suite 202, Brooklyn, NY, USA 11211.
UK:
VICE Magazine,
77 Leonard street, london, ec2a 4qs. mail: info@viceuk.com
Australia:
VICE Australia, Mailbox 61, 278 CHURCH ST, Richmond, Victoria 3121
Scandinavia:
VICE Magazine,
ST. Eriksgatan 48 A, 112 34 Stockholm, Sweden. Email: info@viceland.se |
 Anonymous, on Nov 7, 2009 wrote:
Hm-m-m, such a nice magazine were all the shit from over the world placed. Keep on | | Anonymous, on Jun 9, 2009 wrote:
golliwog candies!
if packaging in the us was that awesome, we’d have just about everything we need. | | Anonymous, on May 25, 2009 wrote:
sit on my face | | Anonymous, on May 6, 2009 wrote:
Tims makes the *best* Salt & Vinegar chips--and its amazing with Cabernet ;) | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Correction asshole: MUSICIANS benefit humanity. The industry benefits nobody but the industry. | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Fuck you Vice for promoting music theft and fuck snot-nosed whiny babies with an entitlement complex who cant shell out fucking 0.99 for a song you can play for the rest of your life and don’t care if they’re comlpetely destroying an industry that benefits humanity immeasurably. Cunts. | |
| crimewave, on Feb 8, 2009 wrote:
i recognized those xanax from a thumbnail. fuck. yeah. | | Anonymous, on Feb 5, 2009 wrote:
aw i love this | | Anonymous, on Feb 2, 2009 wrote:
i drove past sambo’s in santa barbara in april 2000 and everyone in the car had exactly the same reaction. the fact that there was a storm coming, so it looked like a ghost town just added to the "did we just drive back to the forties?" feeling. | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
nacism? | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
Don’t you know SHIT is the shit? | | Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
POT
"Me and my girl rolled about three joints before watching The Ring and oh my god did we ever get scared. bollocks !!!
smoke 3 joints and walk around glasgow | | Anonymous, on Nov 28, 2008 wrote:
bag hutch | | Anonymous, on Oct 31, 2008 wrote:
sink ma teef innit
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| Tiago, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
The eyedrops are not american | | Anonymous, on Sep 5, 2008 wrote:
That is not a "cheap slingshot" in the rattlesnake egg envelope. Spin the plastic or metal ring that is suspended by the two rubber bands and put it back in the envelope like that.. then, when someone opens the envelope it makes a loud noise (as the rubber bands unravel, spinning the button against the paper)and they yell and then everyone laughs. say duh, you cheap thief. | | Anonymous, on Jul 13, 2008 wrote:
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 11, 2008 wrote:
Edgy stuff!!!!!!!!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 3, 2008 wrote:
I’ve been enjoying hot spotted cock for years. | | Anonymous, on Jun 22, 2008 wrote:
BOUDREAUX’S BUTT PASTE haha I saw that at work the other day and the bagger and I couldn’t stop laughing!
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