NEWSLETTER

ILLUSTRATION BY HOPE GANGLOFF TEXT BY SETH BOGART


CUP

Spells are a last resort (we’ll get to that later), but this is an easy one so why not: Every time you use the urinal at a public restroom, spell out his name with your pee. I know it sounds really creepy but every time you do it, he’ll think of you.


KICK OUT THE JAMS

When he’s around, listen to his favorite music. That would be punk or rap. Rock ’n’ roll is cool too, but if you bust out Madonna or some electronic shit, he’s probably not gonna jive (and if he likes it—hi! he’s a homo already!).


ROCK THE LOOK AND TALK THE TALK

Let him borrow your clothes. Having him dress a little bit fruity is good. Fewer girls will try to scam on him and no gay can compete with YOU so now you’re set. Now that he looks like you he has to talk like you. This is super-gay (not gay as in “me,” gay as in ghey) but text messages are great. Let your comedic genius shine. Inside jokes and slang or abbreviations you made up (or he thinks you made up) are the best. Don’t tell him you like him but you’d be surprised what a little flirting can do.


GET BRUTE

Don’t go to “gay events” with him. You gotta blend in with his world. Getting brute can be really fun. Shooting BB guns and going to monster-truck rallies have never been so great.


HEY JEALOUSY

Jealousy is the strongest emotion on earth. If you’re not getting what you want from the straight, it’s time to bring out the big guns. Start with step one (Dudes Nite), only this time with his good friend as your main interest. Or when you’re out and about, get up in another guy’s grill and flirt away. He will miss the lavish adoration you bathe him in and act in desperate measures to get you back.


SLUMBER PARTY

Now that your friendship is moving on, it’s time to have a slumber party. Watch a movie, eat snacks in bed. Don’t make a move, wait and see if he makes the first move. He probably will—he’s a dude. After a few slumber parties, if nothing has happened yet, it’s time to make the first move. Start with cuddling. Soon you’ll be kissing. My straight friend once said, “If you suck a dick you are gay, but if you get your dick sucked by a gay, you are OK.” Assure your dude that this is true. Most people will try anything once. Parts is parts, after all.


WITCHCRAFT

When all else fails it’s time for a SPELL. I did one once in high school and I only recommend it if you have tried absolutely everything else with no results. Here’s what you gotta do: Get a tiny lock of your obsession’s hair and put it in an empty pill bottle with water and two teaspoons of sugar. If you’re worried about obtaining a clipping of his hair, offer him a haircut or secretly snip off a lock while he’s asleep. Here’s where my twist comes in: I added a piece of penis pasta that my gay uncle had just given my mom as a joke gift. You can get penis pasta at, like, a sex shop or whatever. Once you have the potion all mixed up, put it in a safe spot and wait two weeks. He will become so absolutely bonkers in love with you, you’ll have to do a reverse spell just to make him leave you alone.


IN CLOSING

Heartbreak is likely in your future. Chances are he will develop a crush on you. He’ll probably fool around with you. He might even fall in love with you. But unless you get a sex-change operation, it’s probably not going to last. You might have a big dick, nice bod, and attractive chest hairs but he will always prefer the T&A and will probably be stolen away by some sooner or later. When you’re starting to feel bummed, move on to the next straight guy. They’re everywhere!


GETTING GAYSTED | 1 | 2 |

< PREV

MORE FROM THIS ISSUE

NEXT >

POST A COMMENT [SIGN IN] Hi, in case you haven't heard, you can now sign up to become a "member" of Viceland.com, which entitles you to all sorts of amazing benefits like pictures and a nickname. Click here to make your own profile. You can still comment if you don't, but you gotta do it all 'nonymously.

Name:
Comment: