GETTING GAYSTED - PART 1One Homo's Guide to Borking Straight Dudes
ILLUSTRATION BY HOPE GANGLOFF TEXT BY SETH BOGART
For any self-respecting ’mo there is no sweeter plum than untouched hetero bum-bum. You might think it’s a gay pipedream, but this one guy we know has landed scores of straights. We asked him to give us a detailed breakdown on how he lures them over to the fag side. Apparently it involves witchcraft, which was really surprising to us.
Please keep in mind, however, that our author lives in San Francisco, which has about a gazillion times more straight males than straight females. Thus, we can deduce that a high level of hornball desperation might make the menfolk there a little bit more open-minded about who gets to touch their parts.
 very time I tell my coworker at the hair salon about the latest straight guy I’m in love with, he says, “The only difference between a straight guy and a gay guy is a six-pack.” And while getting a guy drunk and molesting him after he’s passed out is one way of getting into a straight dude’s pants, there are definitely more creative and less rape-y ways of going about it.
Before I was barely even old enough to say the words “men’s room,” I was already rolling around nude with neighborhood dudes, JO-ing to stolen pornos with “friends,” and French-kissing by pretending to be a hot chick falling off a boat. (The boat was my bunk bed and my savior was the cutest boy in my fifth-grade class.) I always went for the hot hunks, but not the fruity kind. I wanted the future-BMX-champion, shaggy-haired, delinquent variety (see Over the Edge and The Outsiders for reference). I fantasized about my dad’s friends—one was a firefighter!—and I loved all of my older brother’s friends. In high school my first real boyfriend was a football player. So you see why the tweezed-eyebrow club-kid look ain’t really doing it for me. I’m not saying hot tough gays don’t exist but if skinheads and bears don’t get you going, there aren’t tons of choices left.
I know one day I’ll meet my Romeo, but till then it’s all about the “are they or aren’t they?” stud-muff dreamboats who rotate in and out of my life. And I will now tell you how to land them. Let’s start with what NOT to do: Begging, prostitution, and rape are no-nos. Getting down on your knees and begging is not attractive (except when it is!), prostitution can be pricey, and rape is a cop-out. Here are eight easy steps to being in his pants within a week.
DUDES NITE
Have a “Dudes Nite.” Invite the straight guy you like, your coolest straight friends (who know not to bust you out), and maybe another gay. But not one who will totally Judy out and scare your man away—or try to steal him. Actually, fuck that, it’s Dudes Nite. Leave those fruits at home. Dudes Nite can consist of the following activities: Watching Yo! MTV Raps, ordering pizza, talking about “babes,” eating chips and dips, and watching Entourage or maybe a movie like Bad News Bears. Be sure to drink lots of gross beer like Milwaukee’s Best or anything with the word “ice” in it. Drugs are nice too. Make sure the couch is stuffed and you’re next to your crush. Don’t start Dudes Nite till 11 PM so the chances of your dude crashing at your place are higher. No matter how bad your girlfriends wanna come, DO NOT LET THEM.
FORM A FAKE BAND WITH HIM
Whether or not you play an instrument, ask him to start a band with you. Straight guys love to be in bands. Do lots of photo shoots before you practice at all. Convince him that image is everything these days. The photo shoots will have you getting progressively more and more naked. You need to see him shirtless and in his underwear! You have to eyeball the goods if you’re gonna put in all this hard work, right?
TO BE CONTINUED:
GETTING GAYSTED | 1 | 2 | Next>
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Dec 21, 2009 wrote:
ahahha, i’ve already been doing all this shit(asides from the witchcraft....i celebrate CHRISTmas you asshole), just act like a girl and it’s your first time "experimenting". just dont be a big faggy girl about it, be like a dike-y broad who makes fun of her guy friends all the time and is more alpha than they are. | |
| | | Anonymous, on Nov 9, 2009 wrote:
i have been having dreams about gay boys dos it mean im turning gay im 14 years old | | Anonymous, on Jul 20, 2009 wrote:
EDIT*
this means IF you actually get to have sex with him, and he’s already used to getting pegged by women, he won’t be nice to your butthole, | | Anonymous, on Jul 20, 2009 wrote:
things i’ve noticed. foreskins really gross out straight guys, they hate them, they say they love pussy, which is even grosser, but uncut dick is like the worst thing you could have. i think this comes from hygiene ridicule in gym class and sports teams. an orifice that leaks dead blood = awesome, and extra piece of skin that sweats = deserves to die. the whole sucking up to him and doing his favorite things all the time, thats just pathetic, you have no self esteem. even the guys i’ve been most in love with still had annoying traits and habits and were ugly in some way. hockey is fucking boring and i refuse to sit through watching an entire game on tv just sit next to some dude who only wipes his ass half the time and stinks because of it. don’t whine about your problems, they don’t really like you, so they don’t really care, at best they’ll just ignore you. seem stable and sane, less emotional/mental problems = you’re easier to approach. don’t brag about doing more drugs than him, let him feel like he knows more about snorting coke and dropping acid than you ever will, let him sell you drugs, even if he makes a lame drug dealer, boost his ego in that department, any straight guy that listened to top 40 rap in high school loves to play drug dealer. its like monopoly, but a bit dangerous. but don’t let him rip you off, if he does that, it means he really doesn’t value you, even as a friend. just buy dime bags from him, he isn’t likely to sell you short counts on such a small amount. metrosexual guys, if he has nicer hair than you, and nicer clothes, make fun of it. it will piss him off, but really make him question himself. if his grooming habits decline, you’ve impacted him, this is good, he takes what you say seriously. if he likes experimenting with anal with his girlfriends, not good, this means you actually get to have sex with him, and he’s already used to getting pegged by women, he won’t be nice to your butthole, this is a problem, unless you like that sort of thing. in that case, shame on you. | | Anonymous, on Apr 12, 2009 wrote:
is and will always be the best article with the best comments ever
straighty one eighty l o l | | Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
this is stupid...none of this will do anything but make your straight friend remarkably uncomfortable and most like not your friend anymore. | | Anonymous, on Sep 24, 2008 wrote:
Funniest thing i have ever heard!
If only str8 guys would realise what they are missing
We know what each other want! girls dont know how to make a guy feel good, after all, they dont have a dick to know. | | Anonymous, on Sep 24, 2008 wrote:
This is pure bullshit. I have had a few encounters with str8ys and i no for a fact that this shit would never work. Dude seriously you think you know what your talking about? Figure out how to get someone to keep doing it | | Anonymous, on Jul 8, 2008 wrote:
anyone who can’t tell by the end that this is a joke is an idiot.
this is typical Vice writing that’s basically only done to piss people off. | | |
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