NEWSLETTER

OUR RATING SYSTEM: Great. Buy it. Fuck this shit. Don’t buy it.
NAS
Hip Hop Is Dead Def Jam You can never tell with a Nas album. One track comes out then doesn’t end up on the record, the title changes three times, the release date gets pushed back, no one’s really sure what the single is… Everything about the dude is just random and flaky. So nobody knew what to expect from Esco’s Def Jam debut. Turns out it’s his best album since Stillmatic. One thing that never fails with Nas is that his beats are always shit. But for some reason he’s ascended to new lyrical heights this time around. I mean, dude’s talking about chicks “spreading that asshole open like a widemouth bass.” What’s he thinking? Check out the description of old-school legends in “Carry on Tradition”: “Some rap pioneers be them crackheads/ when they speak you see missing teeth/ silver chain with a silver piece/ niggas your grandfather’s age/ their pants still hanging down their leg talking ’bout they ain’t paid.” He forgot to mention the Zubaz, but that’s picture-perfect! DAVID DASH

BEST ALBUM OF THE MONTH CHEESEBURGER WORST ALBUM OF THE MONTH HELLA BEST COVER OF THE MONTH DARVOCETS WORST COVER OF THE MONTH POP LEVI

FAT JOE
Me, Myself, & I Imperial “Make It Rain.” What a song. Have you heard the whole album? Me neither. What’s up with that? SMUTTY RUFF

GHOSTFACE KILLAH

More Fish Def Jam Ghost started last year off with a terrific album that went double wood. So what do you do? End the year off with another album. More Fish is a hastily put-together collection of half-assed songs showcasing the talents of everyone from Ghost’s hypeman to his son. But dude is so funky that even this collection of tax write-offs contains gems like the MF Doom-produced “Alex” or “Out of Town Shit,” where Tony Starks states: “Yo, I’m six-foot-two-and-a-half/ with shoes on make it three even.” I mean, the guy named a song “Miguel Sanchez.” He could do this in his sleep. BUSTA NUT

PROJECT PAT

Crook by Da Book: The Fed Story Hypnotize Minds Lord knows we at Vice are massive Project Pat fans. He’s the Billy Preston of Three 6 Mafia. If you haven’t heard Ghetty Green and Mista Don’t Play I don’t even see how we can have a conversation. Homeboy went to jail and then jumped on the “Poppin My Collar” remix with the rhyme of the year. Then he dropped this album, which falls a little short. I think DJ Paul and Juicy J kept all the bangers for themselves, yo. You’re better off reading the allhiphop.com interview where Pat explains what a humbug is. MACHO

TRITON
Opening Storm-Clouds Self-released So it’s not cool for a band to flash their wieners on stage or for Howard Stern to say the d-word, but it’s perfectly fine for this French techno guy to make me think he’s a pretty good Japanese spazz band from the 90s that just got back together? Thanks a bunch, the government. MISTER RIBBER

BAJA

Maps/ Systemalheur Stilll I’m starting to think that the whole crate-digging thing was never so much due to there being all this amazing techno out there just under the radar as due to the fact that the vast majority of records are right at that threshold level of sucking where you’re like “Well, maybe I’ll start liking it” and wind up stuffed in walls of near-identically forgettable tunes like that Indiana Jones warehouse while you go off to add another layer or two to the crapstack. BILL KRANTZ

NINE HORSES
Money for All Samadhi You’d think with folks from a band like Japan where being gay was sort of the point you’d be able to withstand the test of time better than all the hetero counterparts, but, as much as it pains me to say it, this is some of the straightest shit I’ve ever had to listen to. ANAL NITRATE

SINCE THE FLOOD
No Compromise Metal Blade I checked out Since the Flood’s MySpace page and learned the following: They are five unhappy-looking guys who love wearing black t-shirts of other bands also made up of unhappy guys in black t-shirts. They pose for LOTS of band photos and seem very proud of their tattoos (the singer has tricep ink of the band Blood for Blood, cited as an “influence”). Some songs have titles like “Strength,” “No Compromise,” and “I Am Revenge.” The band is headquartered in New England and favors a stylized, “distressed” font for their logo. Finally, they each shop at Banana Republic and are 100 percent gay. Now you have all the info you need about Since the Flood. DAN O’BALONEY

CHEESEBURGER

S/T Kemado It’s been a while since I’ve been able to whole-heartedly get behind a band or record. There’s always that one acoustic tune or the one guy in the band who wears a scarf inside or whatever that keeps you from really championing them. This is simply a few guys who hang out at Greenpoint Tavern, slow-dance with the owner, and occasionally stumble down the street to write rock songs. Record of the year so far. HOT ROD WILLIAMS

THE COUNTY MEDICAL EXAMINERS
Olidous Operettas Relapse Wow, this sounds so much like Carcass! It kind of reminds me of this other band who sounded like Carcass… They were called CARCASS. Now, if only that band had made a record too… Oh wait, turns out they made a bunch! OK, so, that takes care of that. DR. OBVIOUS

LOVE ME DESTROYER

The Things Around Us Burn Suburban Home After just half a song I can describe what this band looks like, what its fans look like, what the merch consists of, who they play with, what they claim their influences are, what their influences actually are, where they live, what their parents do for a living, how long they will be around, and what each of their next crappy bands will sound like. The best way I can describe all of these things is as a cross between Hot Water Music and having an entire suburban shopping mall shoved straight up your ass. DICK TARD

THE DARVOCETS

…Have Landed Gloom You know, some of my best friends are Reptoids and I honestly have no problem with them. I mean, it’s totally raging that they can pull off that whole Weirdos/ Dickies style and still make it sound timeless. But come on, some people just might not appreciate being called “scum,” “inferior,” a “clone,” and a “dummy” within the first 60 seconds of the disc. Why so rude? Call me racist but this is why most people don’t trust Reptoids or want to live around them. It’s like my grandpa used to say: Either be polite or fuck off back to Darvon. FUSSY IN FRESNO

THE VOCOKESH
...All This and Hieronnymus Bosch Strange Attractors Could we maybe take it down a notch, Dad? I know Friday’s “Groove Night” and all, but I've got the ACT tomorrow. CORY STARDKINS

TOTAL CHAOS

Freedom Kills S.O.S. Look at the cover: It’s the STATUE OF LIBERTY with a SKULL FACE standing in front of a MUSHROOM CLOUD and holding up some kind of BOMB. Is that SUBTLE enough for you? If this sounds TOTALLY AWESOME, you are either 12 YEARS OLD or DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED, which is OK either way. However, the dudes in Total Chaos are ABOUT 40 YEARS OLD and need to GET A JOB instead of dressing up like CIRCUS CLOWNS and RAPING LITTLE KIDS. Figuratively speaking (one assumes). SHITTY BABY’S REVENGE

LEFT OVER CRACK / CITIZEN FISH

Baby Punchers/ Meltdown split 7" Fat Wreck Chords This record was so shitty that I had to take a dump on my turntable to kill the smell. Then I tried to throw it away but my garbage can vomited. Finally I gave it to a retarded kid, but he looked at me and said, “Leftover Crack? Dude, come on, I’m not THAT retarded!” Luckily he sold it for three bucks on eBay to someone who obviously is. ARTIE PHILIE

DEERHUNTER

Cryptograms Kranky Considering that most of the English midlands is one big carnival of rural idiocy, it kind of makes sense that the American version of Spacemen 3 would crop up somewhere like the toothless South. Maybe five years from now rednecks will be all E’d out (they’ve already got the early-punk junkie/speed-freak thing down) and have bowl cuts and trade in their super-trucks for bikes they can cruise around on while tripping. Or maybe there’ll just be more child killings. GUY LAREDO

CALL ME LIGHTNING

Soft Skeletons French Kiss So that’s it? Almost a century of recorded music, and the best you can offer me in 2007 is some mind-blowingly average midtempo Wonderbread rehash of some old Drive Like Jehu riffs? Fuck, forget it then. All band members everywhere, stop what you’re doing right now and get back to work. If you’re just going to waste your time with this bullshit, we can use all you unskilled drones back in the minimum-wage labor pool washing cars and making hamburgers. Honeymoon’s over, you goddamn walking haircuts. SAMMY DUMPCAKES

SKINNY PUPPY

Mythmaker Synthetic Symphony OK, at first you are going to listen to this and be like, “What the shit? This is some forgettable early-90s goth-industrial dance-jam crap right here. What happened to that fucked-up cult of zaniacs who cut themselves on stage and made soundscapes almost entirely from crashing sounds and bleeping noises and human shrieks?” And you totally have a point there. But I’m telling you, this is legitimately solid and will creep into your brain to lay tiny bug eggs. Don’t expect VIVIsectVI, but give it two spins and get back to me. OK? OK. PROFESSOR DOUCHE

LIFETIME

Lifetime Decaydance/Fueled by Ramen I went to see Lifetime recently and was wigged out by the amount of little kids in the crowd and felt a bit like my friend Ryan who once freaked out a pool full of families at a Marriot by floating around on a raft mumbling, “I kind of get this pedophilia thing.” Then I remembered that kids actually like music and excitement and fun and don’t give a fuck about production value, “soundscapes,” and limited vinyl pressings. Fuck old people, music reviewers (me too), and indie rock. Viva the kids and New Jersey, and long live Lifetime! OLIVER MILLER

GRUFF RHYS
Candylion Rough Trade Hey all right, another round of pleasant-sounding songs from one of the Super Furry Animals guys that don’t make a lick of fucking sense. Gyrru ffurfafen right back at you, Gruff! God, even the English lyrics sound like they’ve either been run through the translation mill a couple of times or swiped from a notebook of high school shroom revelations. At least it’s nice to know Wales has finally gotten all that Manic Street Preachers social-consciousness nonsense out of its system and settled back into its role as purveyor of whimsical consonant clusters. Northern Ireland could really take a lesson. OLIVER CROMSOFF

PETER, BJORN, AND JOHN
Writer’s Block Almost Gold Recordings Here’s a list of things that will (usually) make me hate your band without ever listening to it: Being Swedish, being universally praised by the internets, being on Grey’s Anatomy. Here’s a list of things that will (always) make me like your band: Being a really good band. BOBBY HURLEY

POP LEVI

The Return to Form Black Magick Party Counter I assumed this was that goateed Ladytron guy, but apparently Liverpool has some sort of hatchery for Prince Valiant villains that’s been spitting out these dudes for the past couple years. Feel free to toss in some poorly informed support of “operative magick” and a healthy dose of writing-dumb-kids’-lyrics-makes-me-Syd-Barrett if the goat alone hasn’t got you as down as I’m feeling right now. KELSON THATCH

LONEY, DEAR
Loney, Noir Sub Pop Who asked for this? Some guy doing Joanna Newsom vocals over the piddliest most beddy-bye music ever plucked? Seriously, I’m probably the biggest pussy I know and even I feel like breaking out the napping puppies stationery to send these guys a “suck it up” note. LOUISE THELMAN

BEIRUT
Lon Gisland Ba Da Bing Ugh, same goes double for voguing on Jeff Buckley or whatever this guy’s deal is. Can we please put all the glee-club auditioneers on a bus back to my grammy’s idea of “good singing” and just go back to some dude yelling or something? I’m seriously dozing here. LOUISE THELMAN

NOISETTES

What’s the Time Mr. Wolf? Mercury Ever play “deal breaker,” where you figure out the one possible thing that could be wrong with a person—the same name as a parent, an STD, a Hello Kitty back piece—that could possibly stop you from having sex with that person? A penis is the only possible thing with the girl from this band, and I could probs even get past that. I’d love to fuck a black girl. These songs are good. BILLY OWENS

LOOKER
Born Too Late Self-released Attention all university feminists who believe that girl vocals equal girl power and, as such, are in mourning over Sleater-Kinney’s demise: Here you go. Now let’s all please relax and chill out with the Righteous Babe back catalog. Things aren’t that bleak. CHRIS MULLIN

MARNIE STERN
In Advance of the Broken Arm Kill Rock Stars Where do kids learn that unbelievably grating taunting voice, where it’s all sing-songy and up and down (i.e., “Bobby has a giiiirrrlfriend”)? How do all kids know that voice? Why would an adult ever do this, and record it, and ask other grown-ups to pay money for it? This just made me hit my niece. CRAIG EHLO

THE STERNS
Sinners Stick Together Omnirox So do offensively lame pussies, apparently, and sometimes they even put out shitty records with Photoshop 1.0 cover art, seventh-grade lyrical prowess, and songs that make the French Kicks look like Life of Agony. BJ ARMSTRONG

KISS KISS

Reality vs. the Optimist Eyeball This band has all the restraint and subtlety of one of those closet cases in high school who spent all year storing up his high-drama tendencies for the end-of-school-year drama-club play, and then proceeded to turn the entire production of Hello, Dolly into a knee-slapper that caused everyone in attendance to reevaluate the unintentional comedy scale as they knew it. DANNY MANNING

THE AFFAIR
Yes Yes to You Absolutely Kosher Friggin finally! Man we’ve been waiting for this album to come out forever. So now that it’s out everyone’s gonna be like, “Hey, have you heard this rad new band called the Affair?” And we can do the little “Pssh, I was into them like three years ago already” face and feel supercool. Everybody wins! MEG SNEED

HELLA
There’s No 666 in Outer Space Ipecac Here to fly in the face of everything I know about supply and demand, Hella are back with their 541st record in the last 13 days. Could you put out a few more records? Could anyone care less? Do these guys have rich moms who buy a few thousand copies of everything they fart out? What’s happening here? MITCH RICHMOND

DEATH IN JUNE

The World That Summer Nerus I don’t know if everyone thinks I’m kidding when I rant about how good Death in June is, but dudes I am really, really serious. This is arguably their best record, and it is now in its like sixth or somethingth reissue. And it comes in a FULL-ON MARBLE SLEEVE! Like a fucking mausoleum (awesome, awesome, awesome). This one features Current 93’s David Tibet all over it, backing up Douglas Pearce’s genius mono-baritone. “Come Before Christ and Murder Love” is Death in June’s best ballad, “Break the Black Ice” is one of their coolest songs ever, “Death of a Man” is a fifteen-minute sound collage, and… I don’t know. Maybe I’m nuts. Maybe I’m old. But I’ll just keep holding my breath, alone, in a dark corner, until the goth and industrial resurgences come along to rescue me. Sigh. ANGEL NELFI

BARR
Summary 5RC Damn, just when we thought Brendan Fowler couldn’t add any more elements of awesomeness to his work, he goes ahead and makes the art-punk equivalent of Pretty Hate Machine. Color us mega-impressed with the emotional and audio depth and bravery dude shows here. We hope that when we’re all old and gray, BARR will be America’s poet laureate. JERRY MCPHEERSON

V/A

Desperate Man’s Blues Dust to Digital Why does this comp get the finger? It has Son House, Charley Patton, The Carter Family, Blind Willie McTell… All those fuckers and more like them. Well, the reason is that we’re kind of tired of everyone just getting the comp of the year that has American roots music on it. You know what? Buy a whole fucking record by any of these people. Just those ones mentioned above? Seriously, everything they ever did is good. It is basically impossible to go wrong. So this record gets the finger, then, for making it easy for all of you. Other than that, it’s really great and we wish we could have given it a positive review. It’s your fault, really. NICK NICKLES

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