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I was at a party once and a guy was doing a helicopter thing with his head because he had a braid like this and I go, “What’s the matter with you? Are you on acid or something?” Then I laugh and go upstairs to pee and his mother is sitting there on the stairs. Turns out he did acid a year before and had been fucked in the head ever since! She had brought him to the party hoping that seeing his old friends might pull him back into reality. In other words, sir, you look like a mentally-ill bummer that tears families apart.
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I don’t know a lot about religion. Is that Jesus’s mom or some famous nun? What’s with her holding him like he’s her little G.I. Joe? Not for nothing but if Muslims are rioting over cartoons, Christians should at least be giving this the finger. It’s shitty to Jesus in a King Kong kind of way.
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When you sit in a cubicle all day staring at the person by the photocopier and wondering what it would be like to fuck them, Friday night becomes a big teenage orgasm where even sitting down makes you cream your jeans. To the rest of us however, you look like an adult karaoke video.
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NOODLE DOODLES

David Shrigley and a Bunch of Bands Make Fake Songs Real

In 2005, the pretty famous Glaswegian artist David Shrigley released Worried Noodles (The Empty Sleeve)—a 12-inch record sleeve with no record inside, just a booklet of doodles and lyrics. The doodles were things like a man with a giant bottom holding a rat, with the caption, “If I were hungry enough I would eat a rat/No doubt about it.” And the song lyrics were like a retarded Shel Silverstein, minus the creepy hippie-beard vibes.

Everyone went bazonkers. They went four-car rectangles. They lined up in two rotations to buy. Then the guys from Deerhoof, Grizzly Bear, Franz Ferdinand, Islands, Liars, Dirty Projectors, Hot Chip, Les Georges Leningrad, and a bevy of other notable music dorks (David Byrne) recorded 39 songs from the booklet and now you can hear it.

“I guess it was logical,” Shrigley said, “but there are obviously way too many people in the music industry because the whole thing seemed to happen in about a week. Everyone got in arguments about who got to do what track.”

So, what more to say? The other day I was at a party where a man who edits cartoons for national syndication was explaining how he had one comic writer who was always trying to sneak the word “butt” into his comic. This is not related, maybe… We just wanted to reproduce a bunch of Shrigley’s funny drawings is all.

JAMES KNIGHT
David Shrigley’s Worried Noodles is available as a double CD or triple LP on Tomlab Records.




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