NEWSLETTER

Day Five
After the daily morning routine, which was like second nature by this point, I went and did a bit more shopping at the mall for an outfit for my big date. Yes, it’s true! I scored a rendezvous through my recently acquired match.com profile! He cyber-winked at me, we exchanged awkward convo, and it was on! The date is the night after tomorrow and I am hella pumped. His username is musicman1063, mine’s 00mistletoe00, and he seems like the real thing! Ooooooh, yeah! He’s never been married, he’s not sure if he wants kids, he’s a cigar aficionado, he’s spiritual but not religious, and his profile says: “I stay busy, can you keep up? I also like time alone so I need someone that is secure and independent. No cling-ons. I love to do things outdoors—camping, Frisbee, discgolf, and above all, skydiving. Although I don’t possess a great deal of artistic ability, I have a deep appreciation, and passion for all forms of art—music, poetry, literature, comedy, theater, sculpture, architecture, paintings, and body art. I am a very happy person that just basically loves life. I’m excited about all the experiences that life has to offer, and can’t wait for the next new lesson. I learned early that life was too short to waste it being negative. There’s so much to do, and so much to be excited about. I’d like to have someone to share it with.” Yes! I’m so excited! He also says he thinks life should be set to music, which we all know is a total turn-on. We’re going to a bar called Martini Corner! I can’t wait.

Later, we skipped out (after I made an attempt at the Gwen Stefani hairdo) to go gallery hopping. I would tell you more, but really it was gallery after gallery of crap, and they were all out of free booze! It was also crazy icy and my normal-girl high-heeled boots, which were very unfamiliar to me, were not helping.


Day Six

Today I temped at an office job and I shelved books and updated bibliographies and ran errands. A normal friend who has had lots of jobs like this advised me on how to behave: Like a total make-no-waves bootlicker. So I got everyone pizza for lunch and was very, “Hey guys, I’ve got pizza, pizza, pizza!” I kept a huge smile on my face and kissed ass and gave lots of compliments and made shitty conversation and did a lot of rolling my eyes when I was hovering over my computer. I actually didn’t think it would be bad at all, but there were a lot of bitter, single 40-year-old women who were total bitches and wouldn’t even look me in the eye when they talked to me. Would that be my future if I stayed normal? The ones who did talk went on and on about stuff like hairstyles, breeds of dogs, Pilates, and the death of the Atkins diet. I liked them.

After work, we all went out to happy hour. We all drank Cape Cods and picked at “feta plates.” We got some appraising looks from guys and my coworker Kelly scored a number.

A note: I’m definitely a drinker, but never before 9 PM. These normal people start early! Is that because they have to be at the office at 9 AM every morning? I don’t understand how you can drink a bunch of vodka at 4:30 PM every day and then go home and get shit done. But whatevs!


Day Seven (Finish Line!)

Normal girls get hit on basically non-stop. It’s like being buzzed by mosquitos.

Is this really going to end? I don’t know whether that’s good or not. Being normal is kind of making me get my shit together and all my friends that saw me in character preferred my new look!

So tonight’s my big date, and my buddy Chloe is prepared to go clubbing with me afterward if I decide to keep it short. Go Chloe! I got Michael coming over to super-straighten my hair and do my makeup. Michael was happy to do Chloe’s nasty makeup, too.

My date showed up and it was an awkward start. We headed off to Martini Corner for drinks and dinner. I had my camera and told him it was my hobby—that I love to photograph nature and children. He thought it was cool, and the ice was broken by him asking me to take pictures of him “being a goofball.” He wanted me to take so many pictures of him being “zany” (seriously, I took like 40) that I started to get uncomfortable and told him the battery was almost dead. We talked about our jobs and about what we do for fun. We talked about house music, weed, my hair, skydiving, vampires… the usual! I lied about every single thing I told him. Actually, I think I found my new talent—I’m practically an expert improv comedian at this point. But overall it was kind of a dead date. It was hard for me to even find it funny. He was really nice, just boring and weird, and I got the feeling he probably lived with his parents or something.

When midnight came, I told him that I had to get up early. But I LIED!! WOO HOO! I really went and met my girl Chloe to do some clubbing!

To get some quick tips, I talked to other girls and told them I had just gotten out of a four-year relationship and had forgotten how to flirt. They told me that they judge dudes by their shoes and they flirt with them all night so all their friends can get free drinks. Lame! I felt like I was watching an after-school special.

I danced a lot, and Chloe and I got hit on by some real winners. I got pretty wasted and had lots of the exact same conversation over and over. I think normal girls might have to go on autopilot when they go out clubbing. All in all, getting hit on at a normal club feels the same way it does when homeless men shout things at you outside a gas station. Not so hot.

I went home after last call, warmed by the knowledge that when the sun rose, I would be weird again.

But overall being normal wasn’t that hard, I guess. I had fun, but probably because it was temporary. I guess the main thing I learned is that I need to keep my new look because I keep being told I’m better now—even by my friends who purposely look like shit because it’s “in” or whatever. I must say, I enjoy being a girl—normal or not!

JAIMIE WARREN

This being Kansas City, the gym was like a morgue.		This was our hitting-the-clubs normal gear.
I temped for one whole day.
My date wouldn’t quit mugging for the camera. Is this what normal boys do?

A GIRL'S LIFE | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |

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