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 IAGRAWho wants to be pounded for five hours? What modern woman has the time? Hey, ever wonder what would happen if a girl took Viagra? We know a lesbian who took some with her girlfriend and here’s what she said: “It was the worst sex we ever had. Clits are sort of like little penises, so they got all swollen and hard and it took FOREVER for us to come. But I guess technically that’s what Viagra’s supposed to do so I don’t know what we were expecting.” Fascinating! Honorable mentions: Viola Swamp (the mean teacher from Miss Nelson is Missing!), vaginas (doye), Valerie, V.C. Andrews  AXINGWaxing hurts. It hurts a lot. God forbid you should choke on a pubic hair while you’re eating us out. Thank you, Larry David. What’s with girls waxing everything though? We can understand a bikini wax, and even a betweeny wax (only Jewish and Italian girls need apply), but getting a Brazilian and having absolutely no hair down there is a little weird. Looking like a five-year-old when you get naked is just gross. If men like it, if they’re the ones that specifically request it, you might want to take into consideration that they’re pedophiles. Sorry but it’s true. We understand that not everyone wants to embrace their inner Andrea Dworkin, and we agree that personal grooming is important. But it doesn’t mean you have to look like a porn star. No one looks like that. Sex is supposed to be awkward and weird and dirty, with stray hairs and stinky pits. Those are the things that sometimes make it the sexiest. Honorable mentions: Witchcraft, women’s studies, Wendy Williams, Wendy O. Williams, Wanda Sykes, wanting more than he’s willing to give, Weetzie Bat 
Are we the only ones who find the popularity of $10,000 handbags with WASPy names like “The Clive” or “The Eliza” disturbing? Seriously, it’s a place to put your tampons. I mean, true, girls love a cute purse. It’s because a purse is a metaphor for a vagina—it’s small and velvety and pretty and you want to put things in it again and again and again. Still, our criteria for a good bag are: a) lots of zippered pockets, and b) big enough to fit all our crap inside because, like Alison in The Breakfast Club says, “You never know when you may have to jam.” If it happens to have a cute heart pattern on it and lots of shiny things hanging off it, then yay, bonus. But really, like they always say, it’s what’s inside that counts—carry useful things in your purse and lend them freely. People will be impressed by your generosity and resourcefulness! Much more so than they would be by a price tag anyway. Honorable mentions: Xanadu, Xena: Warrior Princess (we miss that show every day)  OUYou are a girl! You are a gift, a rainbow, a ray of sunlight and a fresh summer breeze. You give life and eat forbidden apples with pride and determination. You are beautiful and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. As a girl there are a few simple commandments. One of them is that jealousy kills girl-love, so the next time you and a bunch of your girlfriends gang up against another girl and make her cry because she hooked up with your ex, just remember that it’s really not cool to do that! You don’t even care about Kevin anyway, YOU dumped HIM! Another thing to remember is, “Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.” Sitting on the sidewalk while Mandy holds your hair back while you puke is not a good look! In all seriousness though, you are a girl so you should be siked. Give your man a great idea and don’t be surprised when he turns to his friends and says, “Hey man, why don’t you listen to my great idea?” Since you’re a girl you won’t mind because that’s how we roll. Do you think Yoko cared when she told John Lennon about peace and he acted like he invented the damn thing? No, she didn’t. You’re smart. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. You know the truth, so stop acting like you don’t already. It’s giving the rest of us a bad rep. Honorable mentions: Yoko Ono, yeast infections, yogurt  ODIAC“Oh my gosh, you are SUCH a Libra!” Sandra said after she showed me where the frozen-yogurt machine was in the caff. It was my first day working for Mr. Spencer, the top dog at the law firm were I had landed my first real secretarial job. Oops, I mean “executive assistant.” Gosh, I’m so forgetful, I guess I truly am a Libra after all! Sandra was so sweet. After she offered me a Diet Coke she told me where I could hide my Reeboks. “Mr. Spencer makes sure all his girls wear pumps but I know it’s only natch to wear ’boks, just don’t let him see you.” Thank gosh Sandra was a Gemini. We were compatible as lifelong friends. I just knew I was going to make it in Big Apple city! Honorable mentions: Zines, zero (the number of girls who think Fletch is funny) LESLEY ARFIN AND AMY KELLNER THE VICE GUIDE TO GIRLS | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
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