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DOS & DON'TS
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 AULA BEGOUN, THE COSMETICS COPWe heart Paula because she calls bullshit on fancy makeup and skin-/hair-care products. But she’s not anti-makeup—you can tell from her picture that she wears more than her share. She just calmly explains what the ingredients in the products actually mean (plant extracts are bullshit—thanks, Clarins), alerts you to the insane amount of irritants contained in most skin creams (screw you, Origins), and then rates the best and worst ones for you. And it’s all online for free. PS: You know that Crème de la Mer stuff that is supposedly the best moisturizer ever and costs $160 for a teaspoonful? Well, according to Paula, it is “almost exclusively water, thickening agents, and some algae.” Suckers! Honorable mentions: Pink, pink, PMS, Patti Smith, Poly Styrene, Pammy and Nicky from Times Square, people-pleasing, processing, Punky Brewster  UIZZES ON MYSPACEGirls only do those stupid MySpace quizzes to send secret, subliminal messages to boys they have crushes on. Now you know. Honorable mentions: Queen Latifah, quilting (we do that, right?), Queen Elizabeth, questioning everything!  OM-COMSRom-coms are romantic comedies (When Harry Met Sally is the mother of all rom-coms), and oddly enough we know more boys who are into these movies than girls. Just ask our editor. Rom-coms are pretty good for a Sunday afternoon. Flip on 11-Alive (that’s what channel 11 was called in the 80s) and fold your laundry to You’ve Got Mail, Serendipity, Just Like Heaven, and The Truth About Cats and Dogs. It’s actually one of the only guilty pleasures we can honestly say we feel a little guilty about. It seems like these movies were made specifically for us single women to feel hopeful about finding our soulmate and it’s OK because all nice guys and chubby girls finish last and don’t worry, you will too, and damn you Hollywood bigwigs for making us fall into your devilish trap! Honorable mentions: Rainbows, Regina Spektor, the Runaways, Rizzo, Ramona Quimby, Rollerderby magazine
 ASSY MAGAZINEIf the cassingle of “Betty Boo: Doin’ the Do,” randomly showed up at your house, then you were a subscriber to Sassy magazine! Congratulations! You’ve just been awarded 25 cool points. Add an extra 1,000 if your riot-grrl band was ever featured in the “Cute Band Alert,” and, if you’re a boy, add 10 for being the boy of the month in “Dear Boy.” If you interned at the magazine, wore overalls, cut your hair short, had a pair of Chinese slippers or John Fluevog Mary Janes, made your own skirt out of neckties, submitted to “It Happened to Me” or that weird little poetry page, still own the issue with Kurt and Courtney on the cover AND the 7" single by Chia Pet on bubblegum-pink vinyl then you are the winner of being one of the coolest girls ever to exist on this planet. Yay! PS: There’s a book about Sassy coming out in April. We’ll be buying our copies at the stroke of midnight. Honorable mentions: Slutty Halloween costumes, self-help books, Sara Silverman, The Sweetest Thing, strap-ons, saying yes when we really mean no, the Sundays, the Shangri-las  HONGSOne question: Why? I own one thong and the only time I wear it is on laundry day. And typical me, every laundry day I forget how fucking annoying they are and I find myself picking at invisible wedgies the whole time. But you can’t pick thong wedgies because a thong IS a wedgie. You are choosing to give yourself a wedgie. And why, because it looks hot to dudes when you lean over and they see the little stringy triangle sticking out? Where were you born, Asbury Park? Do your kids go to preschool in a casino? Thongs are fucking cheesy! If you don’t want your panty lines to show (reconsider, however, panty lines can be really hot) then why not just wear… nothing? What a shocker. And don’t be scared that people will be able to see your woo-woo like Paris and Lindsay. Those girls want to show off their vaginas. And why shouldn’t they? Vaginas are way prettier than thongs. Honorable mentions: Tina Fey, Three Women, tomboys, thrifting, talking about other people, talking about relationships, talking on the phone  NICORNSAll girls love unicorns. And we all love the movie The Last Unicorn. And the theme song to that movie by the band America is our favorite song and we all have the lyrics written in calligraphy next to our poster of a bouquet of roses that have been strewn over a piano. And when we hear this song, we all put on our pointe shoes and one of those masquerade-type masks and dance around our bedrooms singing, “When the last eagle flies over the last crumbling mountain/ And the last lion roars at the last dusty fountain/ In the shadow of the forest/ Though she may be old and worn/ They will stare unbelieving/ At the last unicorn… I’m alive! I’m alii-iiive!” Honorable mentions: “Uptown Top Ranking” by Althea & Donna, Ugly Betty, Uggs (why won’t they die???) CONTINUED:
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