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 EMINISMWe get so mad when some nitwit says she’s not a feminist. I guess if you’re cool with being raped all the time and having no options in life other than being a baby machine or a prostitute, then yeah, you’re probably not a feminist. But if you enjoy birth-control pills and not being beaten up by your owner—I mean, husband—then you pretty much are one so you may as well stop shaving your legs right now. Just kidding. Somewhere along the way feminism got a bad rep, but it doesn’t mean you have to be a sourpuss or that you can’t write tongue-in-cheek articles riddled with silly gender stereotypes. All it means is that you don’t hate yourself. Honorable mentions: Feelings, face cream, flirting, Foxes  -SPOTOoh, the G-spot. How do I find the G-spot? Where can I buy 500 books about finding the G-spot? Listen, for the millionth time: If you put your fingers in a lady’s vagina and tap up in a “come here” motion right behind the area that feels kinda spongy, that’s it. It usually feels pretty awesome for the lady and she might even cum on your face if you’re lucky. The end. Honorable mentions: Ghost World, Grey Gardens, Golden Girls, getting fingered, Grandma Moses, gossiping
 ITACHI MAGIC WANDThis machine, aka the Cadillac of vibrators, is the answer to your orgasm prayers. If you don’t have one, buy one. Now. And stop writing to Glamour about how to achieve an orgasm through intercourse because who are you kidding? Clits need vibes like diamond rings need fingers. Honorable mentions: H&M, Heathers, Helen Love, horses, Hothead Paisan  CE SKATINGThe delicate twirling. The death-defying leaps. The sparkly outfits. Pitting preteen girls against each other and making them cry. Ice skating is as girly as it gets. It’s the only Olympic event we really care about. Well, and gymnastics, which is basically ice skating without the ice. Oh, and men’s swimming, which is just sexy. Honorable mentions: Intimacy, I’m With The Band by Pamela Des Barres  ENNY LEWISDear Jesus, Thank you for giving us Jenny Lewis. She sings real purdy and has nice hair. Love, Girls Honorable mentions: Judy Blume, Jerri Blank, Joni Mitchell, jumping up and down when we’re happy  ATHLEEN HANNADear Satan, Thank you for giving us Kathleen Hanna. She doesn’t care what you think, and we don’t either. Love, Grrls Honorable mentions: Knick-knacks, Kate Bush, Kimya Dawson, Kim Kelly from Freaks and Geeks  UGSIf you went to a liberal arts college you already know that LUG stands for Lesbian Until Graduation. Real lesbians get annoyed that straight girls experiment with lesbianism in college just to hopefully scare their parents when they mention it at Thanksgiving. And we can’t really blame the lesbos—LUGs are the leading number-one cause of lesbian heartbreak in America. Every dyke we know has been used then chucked by at least one “bi-curious” girl. Honorable mentions: Lita Ford, Lynda Barry, leotards, Little Darlings, Ladies and Gentlemen: The Fabulous Stains, Laurie Alpert (author of Growing Up Underground—read it)  EAN GIRLS (THE MOVIE)“I don’t hate you because you’re fat, you’re fat because I hate you.” And there you have the best line from the best movie about teenage girls to come out since John Hughes dumped Molly for Macaulay (bad move, man). You would think that by starring in a movie about exactly how not to be a stupid teenage bitch, Lindsay Lohan would have learned a thing or two. Oh well. Tina Fey is the real hero of this one. We watch the DVD over and over and wish that we were the ones to have written the screenplay. Honorable mentions: Maternal instincts, Mama Cass, Margaret Cho, Mo’Nique, Maureen Dowd, marriage, manipulating, martyrdom, Miss Hannigan
 ICE TITSEveryone loves boobs. Boobs are the best. Except for our own. They’re way too small/big/pointy/droopy/lopsided/whatever. Girls never ever like their boobs. It’s like a curse. But here’s the thing to consider: Real men love real boobs. We mean, real ones—squishy tits that flop over when you lie on your back. No one likes hard, fake boob jobs except for porn fetishists and hair-gel frat jocks and do you really want those creeps touching your special areas anyway? Honorable mentions: Nancy Drew, Nikki Corvette, Nomi Malone, not wanting to have butt sex  MGOMG, can you believe that girls invented slang and no one gives us props for it? In fact, we totally invented the following things: Saying “like” every two seconds, reducing “totally” to “totes,” “stupid” to “stoops,” and expanding “stoops” to “stoops du jour.” We changed “gnarly” to “gnarls” and then upped the ante with “Gnarly Lama,” “Gnarls in Charge,” and yes, even “Gnarls Barkley.” That one got stolen big-time! We put the “grody” in “Grodo Baggins” and the “jealousy” in “peanut butter and jelz” (we know you’re jelz of that one!). OK, maybe inventing slang like this isn’t something to be proud of. It doesn’t make us sound particularly smart (unless you come up with a ’licious [delicious] word combo such as “God, this party is so Gnarlito’s Way!”) but boys around the globe have been ripping us off for years. We heard them use “douche chills” on a syndicated sitcom and we invented that! We know we’re just getting territorial and making it seem like girls invented all plays on words. But we did! We just wanted you to know. It’s not like we don’t want dudes to say stuff like, “OMG, it’s so chilly con carne out tonight!” We do, we just want you to admit that WE invented the way you talk, OK? Honorable mentions: Orphan Annie, overthinking stuff CONTINUED: THE VICE GUIDE TO GIRLS | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | Next>
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