| Illustration by Christy Karacas |
It’s fun to be a girl. We get to giggle and cry and throw hissy fits and keep diaries and bleed out of our vaginas and care about stuff and we don’t have to feel like a fag about it. We even get to vote, hooray! Sometimes we forget to though. Sorry, Susan B. Anthony!
Now before you go calling us dumb sluts (we know you love to do that), you should know that we also understand the problems with making essentialist assumptions about gender. We know that biology doesn’t dictate who we are (society does!). We went to liberal arts colleges, thanks. So if you’re a girl and you love fixing cars and playing football, that’s aces. We can do whatever we wanna do, right ladies? And right now we wanna give you an A-to-Z list of some of the things we love (and hate) about being a girl. Girl Power! (Just kidding.)
 ASSHOLES
Guys think we’re attracted to assholes because that’s their only defense for when we dump them. When girls are rejected we turn it inward and blame ourselves for not being prettier. That’s our bad, we know. But when dudes are rejected they makes grand statements like, “Women love guys that are assholes, they don’t care about us nice guys!” And then that grand statement spreads like the wave at a Yankees game and next thing you know it’s written in fucking stone because dudes are able to write stuff in stone! Yes, they have that much power.
We don’t want you to push our heads down to your crotch area when you want a blowjob, but we also don’t want you to cry and write shitty emo poetry and paint our portrait in pastels. It’s just that there’s only a teeny wading pool in between the lake of total assholes and the bay of fucking pussies, so sometimes when we’re horny we’ll take what we can get. Ultimately we all want the same things: Good sex ’n’ giggles. So learn how to eat pussy and start memorizing lines from Will Ferrell comedies like your sex life depends on it. Because it does.
Honorable mentions: Apple (the one that Eve ate), Andie from Pretty in Pink, Ally Sheedy
 LAHNIK, MANOLO
What’s the big whoop with these things? We’ve never been able to justify spending half our rent on a pair of shoes so we have no idea and guess what? We don’t care. Have you ever seen a foot come out of a high heel after several hours of wear? Not a pretty sight, no matter how expensive the shoe. It’s like you crammed five sweaty, naked, fat people into a phone booth. They are red, puffy, and pissed off. Don’t get us wrong, we like heels. Dress-up is fun. But we also like not having bunions and toes that will eventually look like Teen Wolf’s fingers. So save the heels for museum galas and dancing naked for your boyfriend and rethink the penny loafer. They’re sexier than you think!
Honorable mentions: Babies, birth-control pills, brides, biological determinism, Betty & Veronica, baking, Bring It On
C is for Chick Lit
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 HICK LIT
In case you’ve been living on Lord of the Flies island, “Chick Lit” is book-speak for literature written by women, for women who act like girls. We try to love it but we don’t. Why? Because it’s usually written about normal girls who have normal jobs and try to get ahead in their boring, normal careers and we can’t understand why. They are filled with clichés and have stolen our lingo, like “totes” and, even more embarrassing, ancient terms like “hottie” (so ’96). Sometimes these books are about rich women who have nannies, and then maybe their nannies keep a diary and we’re supposed to care about that too. This just in: We don’t!
Honorable mentions: Cats, crafternoons, caring, cliques, Cookie Mueller, C.B. Barnes
 IET SODA
We know it’s a cliché but goddammit, it just tastes better than regular soda. We swear. Isn’t it lame how Pepsi made Pepsi One to trick macho dudes into drinking diet soda? Seriously, whose manhood is threatened by diet soda? Probably someone with a very tiny manhood. Ha ha ha! (Small-dick jokes. Classic.)
Honorable mentions: Dildos, Darlene from Roseanne
 ATING DISORDER
Fun-fact time! Here are some statistics culled from NationalEatingDisorders.com: The average American woman is 5'4" tall and weighs 140 pounds. The average American model is 5'11" tall and weighs 117 pounds. Eighty percent of American women claim to be dissatisfied with their physical appearance and ten million women in the US have a full-on eating disorder. Depressed yet? Here, have some ice cream, it’ll make you feel better.
But come on, do you really want to let TV and fashion magazines tell you that you’re fat and worthless? You’re smarter than that. If you act like you’re awesome, people will think that you’re awesome. And if you have to, fake it. Fake it till it’s not fake anymore.
Honorable mentions: Emma Goldman, estrogen, Eileen Myles, essentialism vs. constructivism
CONTINUED:
THE VICE GUIDE TO GIRLS | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | Next>
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Nov 16, 2009 wrote:
haha how liberating! No seriously though. It was pretty alright. | | Anonymous, on Sep 25, 2009 wrote:
how is zena not even listed as an honorable mention for z? | | Anonymous, on Aug 1, 2009 wrote:
Dont know if anyone has said this before, but women are only good for their vaginas. If you didnt have beef curtains you’d all be useless slabs of annoying, suicide-inducing, hairloss provoking she-vampires. Thanks God for that stinky, sweaty, occasionally mouldy thing between your legs you like to call your whisker biscuit. Skweekah | | Anonymous, on Jul 23, 2009 wrote:
The last unicorn! I thought it was just me ... power to creepy 80s cartoons! | | Anonymous, on Jul 23, 2009 wrote:
stupid! | | Anonymous, on Jul 23, 2009 wrote:
fuck off, what’s this i read in the comments here: some guy is trying to tell girls what a vulva is? Go back to anatomy class wanker. | | Anonymous, on Jul 16, 2009 wrote:
I like this article just b/c most of these commentors don’t like it. And b/c it’s pretty good. | | Anonymous, on Jul 16, 2009 wrote:
I like this article just b/c most of these commentors don’t like it. And b/c it’s pretty good. | | Anonymous, on Jul 9, 2009 wrote:
I like this article just b/c most of these commentors don’t like it. And b/c it’s pretty good. | | Anonymous, on Jun 29, 2009 wrote:
awful article! had to give up reading it! | | Anonymous, on Jun 13, 2009 wrote:
I thought girls were cool under I read this article. Actually I still do think girls are cool but this author sucks. | | Anonymous, on Jun 12, 2009 wrote:
this is horrible , please make it stop . | | Anonymous, on Jan 24, 2009 wrote:
Most of the stuff on here is dumb, but cute of girls to write this. | |
| exitement, on Oct 15, 2008 wrote:
FUCK! i can’t put into words how much i love the Last Unicorn.
look and see her, how she sparkles... | | Anonymous, on Jun 27, 2008 wrote:
I thought Fletch was funny, and I’m a girl. I feel so isolated, and alone... | | |
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