TIDBITSA Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Kids Issue
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MULTICUTURAL DOUGH
If you’ve ever seen a tanned kid crying during kindergarten, odds are it’s because he is unable to perfectly match his skin tone to whatever piece of shit blob he happened to smush together that morning. If you’ve ever seen a tanned kid dry his eyes and start to laugh with excitement you probably work at one of the many grant-funded school programs for inner-city kids where they recently got about a hundred of these things.
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BABY FINGERING
Not since the Montreal hot-dog chain Steamies and the New York bag store Crumples has a name brought so many cringe-y douche chill bumps to so many legs and forearms [shudder]. |
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ANTI BABY CONDOM
If you don’t want the pharmacist to think you’re a homo or poor or “inner-city” make it very clear you are not buying condoms to avoid STDs but are, in fact, “ONLY CONCERNED WITH BIRTH CONTROL!!!” (Yes, order it that loud.)
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FRENCH CHIPS
While most of us have to trek out to the health food store to get exotic flavors like “Salt and Vinegar” (seriously, does anyone outside of Kettle Cooked and Miss Vickie’s do salt and vinegar anymore?) French people can just wander into any truck stop and digest the most cum-inducing freedom chips since Kristin Cavallari’s pube dandruff. |
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HAPPY VIRUS
AIDS has been such a burden on the fag lifestyle that a lot of them are just bending over with exhaustion and saying, “Fuck it.” Instead of running from the disease, they are barebacking it and embracing their fate. That’s why we can’t let them adopt kids. They will try to teach them AIDS is fun.
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MENTAL CANDY
We were trying to buy a ceiling fan the other day and the salesman (who was dressed all in camouflage) started talking about stocking up on food and water because WWIII was coming in October and we had better get ready. We started to get really fucking scared but then we noticed these candies on his desk.
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SILKWORM PUPA
Is there anything the Chinese don’t eat? Jesus Christ. Why aren’t they dominating Fear Factor the way nips dominate eating contests?
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TIT PILLS
One of the worst things about puberty is watching everyone else’s tits skyrocket past yours right into every boy’s fantasy. If you want to have a huge chest before you’re 13, try these suckers out. Of course if you do take them your tits will look like windsocks by the time you’re 30 but nobody fucks 30-year-olds anyway. They’re gross. |
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FLIP WILSON DOLL
This stuffed version of the 70s comedian and his female alter ego Geraldine is worth a lot to little kids that were adults 30 years ago, AKA nobody.
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This month’s winner: MULTICULTURAL DOUGH
Congratulations Laura Sporra over in Denver, Colorado! Now all you have to do is bomb the Croc factory out there and you’re hired.
To win your free subscription to Vice, send tidbits to:
North America:VICE Magazine,
97 North 10th Street, Suite 202, Brooklyn, NY, USA 11211.
UK:
VICE Magazine,
77 Leonard street, london, ec2a 4qs. mail: info@viceuk.com
Australia:
VICE Australia, Mailbox 61, 278 CHURCH ST, Richmond, Victoria 3121
Scandinavia:
VICE Magazine,
ST. Eriksgatan 48 A, 112 34 Stockholm, Sweden. Email: info@viceland.se
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 Anonymous, on Nov 7, 2009 wrote:
Hm-m-m, such a nice magazine were all the shit from over the world placed. Keep on | | Anonymous, on Jun 9, 2009 wrote:
golliwog candies!
if packaging in the us was that awesome, we’d have just about everything we need. | | Anonymous, on May 25, 2009 wrote:
sit on my face | | Anonymous, on May 6, 2009 wrote:
Tims makes the *best* Salt & Vinegar chips--and its amazing with Cabernet ;) | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Correction asshole: MUSICIANS benefit humanity. The industry benefits nobody but the industry. | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Fuck you Vice for promoting music theft and fuck snot-nosed whiny babies with an entitlement complex who cant shell out fucking 0.99 for a song you can play for the rest of your life and don’t care if they’re comlpetely destroying an industry that benefits humanity immeasurably. Cunts. | |
| crimewave, on Feb 8, 2009 wrote:
i recognized those xanax from a thumbnail. fuck. yeah. | | Anonymous, on Feb 5, 2009 wrote:
aw i love this | | Anonymous, on Feb 2, 2009 wrote:
i drove past sambo’s in santa barbara in april 2000 and everyone in the car had exactly the same reaction. the fact that there was a storm coming, so it looked like a ghost town just added to the "did we just drive back to the forties?" feeling. | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
nacism? | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
Don’t you know SHIT is the shit? | | Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
POT
"Me and my girl rolled about three joints before watching The Ring and oh my god did we ever get scared. bollocks !!!
smoke 3 joints and walk around glasgow | | Anonymous, on Nov 28, 2008 wrote:
bag hutch | | Anonymous, on Oct 31, 2008 wrote:
sink ma teef innit
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| Tiago, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
The eyedrops are not american | | Anonymous, on Sep 5, 2008 wrote:
That is not a "cheap slingshot" in the rattlesnake egg envelope. Spin the plastic or metal ring that is suspended by the two rubber bands and put it back in the envelope like that.. then, when someone opens the envelope it makes a loud noise (as the rubber bands unravel, spinning the button against the paper)and they yell and then everyone laughs. say duh, you cheap thief. | | Anonymous, on Jul 13, 2008 wrote:
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 11, 2008 wrote:
Edgy stuff!!!!!!!!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 3, 2008 wrote:
I’ve been enjoying hot spotted cock for years. | | Anonymous, on Jun 22, 2008 wrote:
BOUDREAUX’S BUTT PASTE haha I saw that at work the other day and the bagger and I couldn’t stop laughing!
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