TIDBITSA Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Stories Issue
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CRACK CANDY
Every month we get at least three of these things. What do you want us to do? Make a joke about kids doing crack? Kids do crack all the time. In Tampa it’s commonplace for middle-class 13-year-olds to hop their bikes, ride downtown, score a rock and spend the rest of the day making jumps and doing wheelies with so much courage and focus they make Evel Knievel look like a lazy fag.
Please stop sending us these. |
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COCAINE COLOGNE
If you want to have the power to bring any girl in the world home with you, don’t worry about being smart or funny or even attractive. All you need is an eight ball at your house. If you’re smart you won’t soften yourself by getting high on your own supply, and if you’re a fucking genius you’ll buy this cologne, throw out the cologne, and keep your blow in the box. |
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BODY CUTTER
If Canadian girls and fat chicks are going to cut themselves, there’s nothing we can do to stop them. They want attention and they’re going to get it even if they have to bite themselves. So, in the same spirit as free methadone programs, the people at Kabuki Shikoro have invented a safe and hygienic way to put little slits on your forearms where everyone can see them.
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SERIAL KILLER DOLLS
Q: Which one of these guys is worse: Donald Rumsfeld, George Bush, or American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman?
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DOPING FOREVER
The way we do heroin is bad and everything, but what if you’re a zillionaire with a special guy hired to regulate your amounts and make sure you never OD? Is it still bad for you? And even if there are some bad side effects, isn’t living a life totally free of stress so healthy that it outweighs that? And if this question were cologne, what would it smell like?
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PAKY ACCESSORIES
East Indians weren’t cool in the 80s when they first got here, but thanks to exciting Pakistanis like Ali G, Apache Indian, Panjabi-MC, MIA, Asian Dub Foundation, Cornershop, Talvin Singh, Firdaus Kanga, and Suroosh Alvi, it’s finally becoming the kind of thing that makes people feel cool about their belts. |
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BIN LADEN MATRYOSHKA DOLLS
One of the best things about this setup is that it implies we are only dealing with one man and once we crush him all our enemies—even ones that have already been dead for 17 years—will cease to exist.
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HIPSTER UNDERWEAR
It’s great having Misshapes DJ your party, but they’re getting so huge now their rider is becoming ridiculous. Things like “No brown M&Ms,” and “Two pairs of underwear each that reflect who we are,” have forced companies like Fruit of the Loom to make entire collections to meet the demand. |
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NOKIA CELL PHONE
This phone rules. You can send MP3s to your friend wirelessly. You can watch videos and even make some of your own. You can even talk on it! All you have to do is pay Nokia about $800 and go to a seminar where they try to explain to you how to use the fucking thing. |
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CUPID BOY UNDIES
Er, it’s totally mom-ish to get worked up over the sexualization of kids, but making leopard-print briefs and devoting them to both boys and a Roman god that helps people make love is enough to make even Gary Glitter uncomfortable. |
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BIRKENSTOCK ROLLER SKATES
Freaking everyone out by putting on a Japanese puke porn DVD is fucking juvenile. You’re a grown-up now, so slide out into the living room in these puppies and casually ask if anyone needs another beer. It gives people such a visceral feeling of pure nausea you feel like human Ipecac.
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WHISKEY DAVID: RUSTY ROCK
Regular readers of our six-times-a-day updated blog at viceland.com may have already seen and heard this, but it’s so good we don’t want anybody to miss out. Matt Sweeney first played us this record last September at Gavin’s wedding / three day stag night. We think it was about day three and a half or something and we felt a little bit giddy so when this mixture of AC / DC, Rod Stewart, GG Allin and Oasis suddenly started playing over the speakers everybody went crazy. Easily one of the best obscure records we’ve ever heard (try Googling it), this was released by a Spanish disco label in 1975 and is hands-down the best drunken party record we’ve heard in years. Check on viceland.com and our blog archives to hear one of the best songs here. It’s called “Whiskey”. Did we mention that our blog is updated six times a day and has more extras and movies than you can shake a shitty stick at? |
This month’s winner: COCAINE
To win your free subscription to Vice, send tidbits to:
North America:VICE Magazine,
97 North 10th Street, Suite 202, Brooklyn, NY, USA 11211.
UK:
VICE Magazine,
77 Leonard street, london, ec2a 4qs. mail: info@viceuk.com
Australia:
VICE Australia, Mailbox 61, 278 CHURCH ST, Richmond, Victoria 3121
Scandinavia:
VICE Magazine,
ST. Eriksgatan 48 A, 112 34 Stockholm, Sweden. Email: info@viceland.se
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 Anonymous, on Nov 7, 2009 wrote:
Hm-m-m, such a nice magazine were all the shit from over the world placed. Keep on | | Anonymous, on Jun 9, 2009 wrote:
golliwog candies!
if packaging in the us was that awesome, we’d have just about everything we need. | | Anonymous, on May 25, 2009 wrote:
sit on my face | | Anonymous, on May 6, 2009 wrote:
Tims makes the *best* Salt & Vinegar chips--and its amazing with Cabernet ;) | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Correction asshole: MUSICIANS benefit humanity. The industry benefits nobody but the industry. | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Fuck you Vice for promoting music theft and fuck snot-nosed whiny babies with an entitlement complex who cant shell out fucking 0.99 for a song you can play for the rest of your life and don’t care if they’re comlpetely destroying an industry that benefits humanity immeasurably. Cunts. | |
| crimewave, on Feb 8, 2009 wrote:
i recognized those xanax from a thumbnail. fuck. yeah. | | Anonymous, on Feb 5, 2009 wrote:
aw i love this | | Anonymous, on Feb 2, 2009 wrote:
i drove past sambo’s in santa barbara in april 2000 and everyone in the car had exactly the same reaction. the fact that there was a storm coming, so it looked like a ghost town just added to the "did we just drive back to the forties?" feeling. | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
nacism? | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
Don’t you know SHIT is the shit? | | Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
POT
"Me and my girl rolled about three joints before watching The Ring and oh my god did we ever get scared. bollocks !!!
smoke 3 joints and walk around glasgow | | Anonymous, on Nov 28, 2008 wrote:
bag hutch | | Anonymous, on Oct 31, 2008 wrote:
sink ma teef innit
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| Tiago, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
The eyedrops are not american | | Anonymous, on Sep 5, 2008 wrote:
That is not a "cheap slingshot" in the rattlesnake egg envelope. Spin the plastic or metal ring that is suspended by the two rubber bands and put it back in the envelope like that.. then, when someone opens the envelope it makes a loud noise (as the rubber bands unravel, spinning the button against the paper)and they yell and then everyone laughs. say duh, you cheap thief. | | Anonymous, on Jul 13, 2008 wrote:
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 11, 2008 wrote:
Edgy stuff!!!!!!!!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 3, 2008 wrote:
I’ve been enjoying hot spotted cock for years. | | Anonymous, on Jun 22, 2008 wrote:
BOUDREAUX’S BUTT PASTE haha I saw that at work the other day and the bagger and I couldn’t stop laughing!
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