NEWSLETTER

This month I fucked three Montreal cops just for the what-the-heck of it. It was kind of like an experiment in hate-fucking, since I am not really fond of the police. I discovered that two out of three of the police officers that I fucked in the past month were molested during their childhood, and that the rest (all one of them) are just sexually deviant.

COP FUCK NUMBER ONE

We meet at a bar where he’s hanging out with co-workers. I’m dressed like a perfect bourgeois office girl. Square heels and all.

He’s divorced with three kids. One of his daughters is my age. Hello, creepy! Still, aside from his escalator-shaped forehead, he’s a pretty good-looking man.

Girls Who Fuck Pigs ANN, 17 Vice: Were you attracted to the guy because he was a cop? Ann: Yeah, duh! It’s the whole thing with the man in uniform—it’s a turn on, the manly-man thing. What about his job got in the way of your relationship? He worked nights, so he’d always be sleeping during the day. I’d only see him after he got off, which would be like 4 AM. My friends didn’t like him because he was such a stereotypical cop. Was he a good maker-outer at least? Once we were in his car outside of Safeway, and I moved in and we started kissing. I moved his hand underneath my shirt and bra, and it was like he was a total virgin at it. He didn’t know how to even attempt foreplay. Eventually we stopped because he felt weird being in a public space. He was totally paranoid. BECKY, 20 How was your cop in bed? Really dull. He wasn’t into foreplay or anything. He was a missionary-for-five-minutes-and-fall-asleep kind of guy. It’s probably one of the main reasons we broke up. Was he fun to hang out with? Nope. He used to get insanely jealous all the time, and even though he sucked in bed, he must have had a kinky mind, because he had the largest collection of porn I have ever seen in my life. Just stacks and stacks and stacks of nudie magazines. JAMIE, 22 What about his job got in the way of your relationship? Cops have a reputation for being cheaters. I’ve heard somehwere that they are the biggest cheaters around. He slept around, and I was finding this out because he wouldn’t even pay for it... he sent me the hotel bills from where he had sex with her. And when I confronted him about it, he said that he was in love—which was total bullshit, because she filed a restraining order against him on account of him being such a huge asshole. Sounds like a fucking dick. He had all these issues because of the stress of his job, so he would just take it out on me and my daughter. He would lecture us for a minimum of five hours at a time. I could not take that. PAM, 30 Why did you and your cop break up? He was fucking crazy. He used to hurl things at me, like books, and throw these fucking bitch fits. How was he in bed? He always had to be on top, and he didn’t care if I came or not. At first the violent fucking was really hot. But after a while he’d just throw the off-switch as fast as he could and go to sleep. That was cheap. What’s the worst thing he ever did? Once we went to a 7-Eleven and I told him I wouldn’t kiss him if he got this pickled sausage thing, and he got really mad and slapped me in the store. Everyone just kind of stared at him like he was the biggest asshole on the planet, and he got really embarrassed and stormed out. INTERVIEWS BY STEPHANIE FOO

He says that he has “never done this before” (“this” meaning slept with a random jailbait female stranger), but he reeks of pedophilia and therefore I don’t believe it for a second. Also, I can tell he’s a quick fuck—the kind of sex where I’ll have to go to the bathroom to finish myself off.

Men like him get turned on by silly little girls, so I just laugh at everything he says. I pretend to be impressed when he tells me that he kicked the shit out of some insubordinate punk less than a week ago. He rants about the dumbest crap: “Kids these days have no respect for authority, or even for their parents.” A minute with him feels like a year, so I end up getting blind drunk. By the time he asks me to go back home with him, I don’t even know my name anymore.

We hop into a cab and he starts caressing my leg like it’s a puppy. At his house, I drag him into what I assume is his bedroom. It turns out to be the bathroom. Fine—works for me. I lift up my skirt and he slides his smelly hands in between my legs. For some odd reason, I’ve never been this wet. He fingers me really hard, and I reach for his cock. He doesn’t even have a hard on? Great! I pull down his pants, and whoops—he does have a boner, it just consists of the smallest penis I have ever seen. I could jerk him off with my pinky, which I end up doing. He suddenly flips me around and starts mounting me. (At least I think he does, but I’m not really sure since I can’t feel him inside me. It’s like getting fucked by air.)

He’s moaning and saying, “I’m about to cum” every two seconds. Finally, he pulls out and the most ridiculous drop fizzles out while he yells really loud. It looks like a Q-Tip taking a piss.

This cop gets a 4 out of 10 because he at least got me inexplicably wet.

COP FUCK NUMBER TWO

A couple days after my trip to Snoresville, it’s time for me to get back on duty. And boy, do I—Agent Jones is quite the catch. Tall, with dark brown hair and an ass that would make a whore skip an entire night of work just for a glance. He’s also surprisingly nice, knows what punk rock is, and just turned 27 years young.

It takes four dates before he lets me come over. I had to sit through The Hills Have Eyes, a Mexican dinner that gave us both food poisoning, and a walk at the mall (What’s up, 1987!). I actually start to fall for him when he takes me to his Batmobile one night and we access my file through his police computer. He laughs when he discovers I got in several fights and got arrested for possession of narcotics when I was 19. Hanging out with him is so much fun.

I think that maybe if you can snag a cop when he’s young and fresh out of the academy, you’ll be OK. It’s the years on the job that turn these guys into lousy lays. Just a theory.

On our fifth date, we watch a movie at his house and start making out. I try the aggressive, “We’ve been wanting each other for so long now—let’s fuck” approach, but he won’t budge. We talk for another hour or so, but I finally get too impatient, so I just unzip him and go to work giving him a blowjob. He just sits there and plays with my hair. He’s huge and I gag on every bite, but he seems to enjoy it. He moves between my legs and rips my panties free. Hurray! It’s on.

We run to his bedroom and have the cutest lovey-dovey sex. He comes all over my back and we kiss goodnight. I sleep over because his condo smells like warm bread. Breaking my own self-prescribed “no sleepovers” law with a cop seems kind of ironic. I sneak out in the morning and think to myself that it’s too bad I’ll never see him again.

This guy gets an 8 out of 10. One point off for taking so long to get down to it, and another point off for kind of fucking like a wimp.

COP FUCK NUMBER THREE

The next week, a friend calls me up and invites me to her DJ night at this gay bar near my house. I decide to go. Lesbians are really fun.

I get introduced to a million girls and they’re all pretty cute, but I’m not in the mood for muff diving, so I just get sauced on vodka-cran and chat with my friend. She points at a girl on the dance floor and mentions that she’s a cop. Immediately, there’s a fucking halo of white light shining around her. I run to the dance floor and shake my ass against hers. Right away, we start making out. It’s fucking unreal—she’s so cute! She’s tall and a bit chubby, probably 30 to 32, and her tits are huge. I ask her to come home with me, and she refuses! I keep asking and drinking and asking. No dice.

I am about ready to drop some GHB in her drink when she finally agrees and we walk back to my house. We then proceed to have the BEST SEX EVER. There’s lots of sex toys and porn watching. Her fingers taste like Aunt Jemima’s syrup; I suck on them like they’re the last things I’ll ever have in my mouth. She eats me out like I paid her to do it.

After I tie her up with yellow rope then lay on top of her and dildo-rape her while she pinches my tits and fingers me, we drift off to slumberland. This woman was a revelation. When we finished, there was so much saliva, pussy juice, and poop stains on my bed that we could have baked a cake with the residue. We both felt concussed. I kissed her goodbye and it tasted like candy. I want to see her again.

This lady cop gets a solid, unequivocal 10 out of 10. I think she might have made me into a dyke.

MARIE-ELAINE GUAY

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