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Ice cream attack! Ice cream attack! Jesus, how old are you? Do you also take huge bites of scalding tacos and then spit it onto the table while you’re gagging because you didn’t check how hot it was? Comments/Enlarge | See all



When Ashton Kutcher was trying to convince Three 6 Mafia to stop fucking whores and go for “real girls,” he meant this Brooklyn house-party type. They wear dirty shoes and keep forgetting to put on makeup, which is precisely why you want to go eat eggs with them the next morning instead of chewing your arm off.
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Someone sent this from London encouraging us to “tear these hipsters a new arse.” Why? If you want to hear someone rag on young people who dare to wear anything more than jeans and a t-shirt you need to tune into Adam Carolla’s radio show and fuck off.
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A real, live Moscow whore market. Photo by John Heisel

WHORES ON WHEELS

Moscow's One-Stop Shopping



Moscow is awash in whores. They come to Russia’s capital, the lone island of wealth in a Eurasian ocean of wretched poverty, from all over the former Soviet Union.

If you’ve got wheels, you can cruise the hundreds of outdoor whore markets, each of which boasts between 20 and 40 whores.

One prostitute stands on a busy street. You pull over and tell her you want a girl. She then yells out to a waiting car, which leads you to a side street, where the tochka (meeting point) is.

Then a very business-like older woman, or mamochka, asks you which class of girl you want: $130, $170, or $300. They are ranked by attractiveness. The girls wait in cars, and when called, pour out and line up in front of your headlights. All around them are scary dudes in tracksuits eating sunflower seeds.

We visited three tochkas to find out what a dollar really buys in the new Russia.

Tochka #1: We were offered six whores. We chose to speak to a small black-haired girl named Masha.

Vice: If we want something more, do we have to pay extra?

Masha:
What do you want, anal?

Can we photograph you kissing a fax machine for $80?

Pervert!

Tochka #2: We talked to Yulia, a redhead in a pink-black outfit.

Vice: Who did you root for, Rocky Balboa or Dolph Lundgren?

Yulia:
Who?

The evil Russian guy in Rocky IV.

If you show it to me I’ll tell you. I love movies!

Would you yell “Rocky! Rocky!” while watching it with me if I paid you $50?

Sure!

How about “U-S-A! U-S-A!”

I’d do that for free! [Laughs]

Tochka #3: This was a massive whore market behind the Olympic Stadium, in a big car lot packed with eager buyers. We talked to a girl in a cheap fur coat and jeans. Her name was also Yulia.

Vice: I have a big NATO flag on my wall. Would you—

Yulia:
A what?

Do you know what NATO is? The military alliance?

Mamochka: What the fuck are you talking about, young man? Go back into the car, Yulia. [In English] Goodbye!

DAVID WESLEY

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