TIDBITSA Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Russia Issue
THE RUSSIAN ROAD RUNNER
You can learn a lot about a culture from its cartoons. This 1969 classic is the Russian version of the Road Runner. It’s called Nu Pogodi (“Just You Wait”), but instead of the Wile E. Coyote character coming up with elaborate booby traps and weird disguises, Volk the wolf plays guitar and does funny dances to lure in his prey. When he fails he just lights up another cigarette, vandalizes some buildings, and tries again the next day. Bo-o-o-o-o-o-o-r-ing.
This terrible cartoon lasted for 16 years, which sounds amazing until you find out that the communists could only manage to churn out one a year. Post-open-market Russia just brought it back, only this time they promise to come out with new episodes at least twice a year and they fill every background shot with piles of product placement (seriously).
Thanks to Zoya Feldman from Brooklyn, NY
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THESE DOLLS
Smell kind of weird and appear to be made out of dreads.
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TURKISH DIET COKE
You know what I hate about Turks? Their whole culture revolves around those stupid little eye-shaped trinkets that are supposed to prevent people from giving you the evil eye (AKA talking about you behind your back). Um, here’s a notion: Who gives a shit if people talk about you behind your back? It’s none of your fucking business. What are you, a valley girl?
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LAPTI SHOES
A hundred years ago all Russians wore these primitive-looking straw slippers made by peasants in Belarus. They look like Steve Martin’s “Cruel Shoes,” but holy shit are they comfortable. They feel like you’re putting your feet into vaginas. |
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BLACK MAN MUSTARD MAYO
If you ever want to see what America was like back in 1932, get on a plane and go to a place called ANYWHERE. Coal is “Negro” in Brazil, toothpaste is still “Darkie” in China, and fucking toilet plungers are “Black Man” in Southeast Asia. Who knew the whole world was a shitty Spike Lee movie? |
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CRAYFISH CHIPS
Seriously, renew your passport and get out of here. We are not the leaders you think we are. In the field of potato chips, for example, we are pussies. The UK has hedgehog flavor, China has cucumbers with fish, and Russia has gay-marriage crayfish.
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BALTIKA
This “Russian” beer is actually Scandinavian, but is called Russian because it has Russian writing on it, is about half the price of other beers, and has twice the alcohol content. Russians were kind of insulted when they first saw it, but today it’s the most popular beer in the country. Whoops!
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U.S. PRESIDENT MATRIOSHKA
Actually, it’s not. We thought this was going to have all the U.S. presidents in it and go smaller and smaller until a tiny John Adams had an even tinier George Washington in him, but you open up Bush Jr. and it’s a big bottle of vodka—SIKE! Is there anything in this country that is not filled with vodka? |
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DIARRHEA JUICE
Russian immigrants only drink bottled water from Russia because they are convinced it’s the only water that’s safe to drink. We’re not sure why. Russian water makes Mexico’s look like Antarctica’s. Even if you’re outside industrial shitholes like Ekaterinburg, where the water is so filled with chemical waste it’s yellow, you still have to worry about diarrhea-inducing parasites like giardia every time you brush your teeth.
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STOP SMOKING CIGARETTES
Not the greatest idea in the world. These cigarettes have almost no nicotine and taste disgusting, and you’re supposed to keep smoking them until smoking makes you sick. They’re also working on a line of shit sandwiches to help fat people stop eating.
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This month’s winner: THE RUSSIAN ROAD RUNNER
To win your free subscription to Vice, send tidbits to VICE Magazine, 97 North 10th Street, Suite 202, Brooklyn, NY, USA 11211.
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 Anonymous, on Nov 7, 2009 wrote:
Hm-m-m, such a nice magazine were all the shit from over the world placed. Keep on | | Anonymous, on Jun 9, 2009 wrote:
golliwog candies!
if packaging in the us was that awesome, we’d have just about everything we need. | | Anonymous, on May 25, 2009 wrote:
sit on my face | | Anonymous, on May 6, 2009 wrote:
Tims makes the *best* Salt & Vinegar chips--and its amazing with Cabernet ;) | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Correction asshole: MUSICIANS benefit humanity. The industry benefits nobody but the industry. | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Fuck you Vice for promoting music theft and fuck snot-nosed whiny babies with an entitlement complex who cant shell out fucking 0.99 for a song you can play for the rest of your life and don’t care if they’re comlpetely destroying an industry that benefits humanity immeasurably. Cunts. | |
| crimewave, on Feb 8, 2009 wrote:
i recognized those xanax from a thumbnail. fuck. yeah. | | Anonymous, on Feb 5, 2009 wrote:
aw i love this | | Anonymous, on Feb 2, 2009 wrote:
i drove past sambo’s in santa barbara in april 2000 and everyone in the car had exactly the same reaction. the fact that there was a storm coming, so it looked like a ghost town just added to the "did we just drive back to the forties?" feeling. | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
nacism? | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
Don’t you know SHIT is the shit? | | Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
POT
"Me and my girl rolled about three joints before watching The Ring and oh my god did we ever get scared. bollocks !!!
smoke 3 joints and walk around glasgow | | Anonymous, on Nov 28, 2008 wrote:
bag hutch | | Anonymous, on Oct 31, 2008 wrote:
sink ma teef innit
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| Tiago, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
The eyedrops are not american | | Anonymous, on Sep 5, 2008 wrote:
That is not a "cheap slingshot" in the rattlesnake egg envelope. Spin the plastic or metal ring that is suspended by the two rubber bands and put it back in the envelope like that.. then, when someone opens the envelope it makes a loud noise (as the rubber bands unravel, spinning the button against the paper)and they yell and then everyone laughs. say duh, you cheap thief. | | Anonymous, on Jul 13, 2008 wrote:
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 11, 2008 wrote:
Edgy stuff!!!!!!!!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 3, 2008 wrote:
I’ve been enjoying hot spotted cock for years. | | Anonymous, on Jun 22, 2008 wrote:
BOUDREAUX’S BUTT PASTE haha I saw that at work the other day and the bagger and I couldn’t stop laughing!
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