THE VICE GUIDE TO RUSSIA

PART 1: A - Б

(A)—AZITHROMYCIN)
Russia is poisoned. It’s poisoned from shitty old cars running on leaded 76-octane fuel and it’s poisoned from decades of Soviet waste. Its capital is the largest city in Europe and the most polluted. The weather is usually raw, cold, and damp, while the apartments are boiling hot. The food ranges from sickly to dangerous (last February they found a bunch of meat with anthrax in it), but the biggest reason you get sick a lot in Russia isn’t the environment. It’s you. You will live a life that invites illness. That’s because Muscovites party extremely hard in bouts that can last several days, and they could give a shit about condoms.

So thank god for Azithromycin, sold under the brand name Sumamed. It’s the neutron bomb of antibiotics, wiping out every living organism from the back of your throat to the tip of your urethra and all points inbetween, while leaving the major structures (you) still standing. In America you’d have to see a doctor every time you wanted some, but in Russia you can just pop into any apteka [pharmacy] and buy a box for $15.

We recommend taking these even if you don’t feel symptoms, as a just-in-case following a rough weekend. Let the careful, squeamish Westerners worry about not overprescribing antibiotics for fear of creating resistant superbug strains. That’s not your problem. What you need to do is make sure you didn’t catch anything from the chick you met at Propaganda because you’re an irresponsible dipshit and you were too horny and high to reach for the Durex box.

Babushka

photo by AP


(B)—BLYAD’
If you’re a guy and you hang out with Russian guys, the word you will hear most often will be blyad’. You’ll think it means something like “um,” and you’ll be technically right in the sense that it’s a speech dysfluency. In fact, blyad’ means “whore.” It’s a filler word that also actually means something.

So a Russian guy might say in a typical conversation, “Whore! Yesterday-whore, I wanted-whore to get tickets-whore to the Bolshoi Ballet-whore for you. But, whore! The faggots-whore at the box office-whore tried to tell me they didn’t-whore have any good seats, whore.”

It’s fitting that the word for whore should be used so commonly, as Russia is both a major producer and major consumer of whores.

B is also for babushka, which is what the blyadi will eventually turn into. Beware of babushkas. They’re the toughest bitches you’ll ever come across in your life. They’ll spy on you, plow into you on the metro, and if you speak in English in front of them, they will bite your head off and scream that Stalin was the greatest thing to ever happen to Russia. They do make excellent soup though.

MARK AMES

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