TIDBITSA Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Food Issue
MATCHING UNDERWEAR
A few weeks ago we were laughing at our buddy Ryan for claiming that ever since he started wearing matching tighty-whities and T-shirts he can’t stop getting laid. Then we told our girlfriends and they were all, “That sounds kind of hot actually.” Try it. It’s weird. It’s like catnip to them. It’s like a guy’s version of lingerie.
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SALAD-FLAVORED FACE CREAM
If you want a girl to make out with you, put this cream all over your face and call her fat. It sucks at first because she’s crying but girls on diets live for salad and they’re always hungry, which is where kissing your face comes in.
Thanks to Arousiak Turabian of Kew Gardens, NY
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MULTICULTURAL COLON CLEANSER
Anyone who thinks diversity is an urban myth and we’re more segregated and at each other’s throats than ever before hasn’t checked out high-fiber cereal recently. The folks at Kashi have decided to put shiny happy races on every box because, apparently, people who still believe we’re all one big happy family are also full of shit.
Thanks to Greg over at NYU
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HOMEGIRL POTATO CHIPS
Don’t know ’bout you, Rob Halford, but when we think of the word “homegirl,” we think of spunky white girls, devout Muslims, black nerds, Asians with fanny packs, and passionate Latifah manifestos like “Yo! Being a virgin is not a dirty word” and “Don’t be a fool. Don’t take drugs or weapons to school.” (Seriously, that’s what it says on the back).
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BOUDREAUX’S BUTT PASTE
Ever put Vagisil on a rash or anything sore anywhere on your body? It works, eh? Same with this shit. I don’t know why society is giving all the good shit to babies’ bums and vaginas but you could put this fucker on a Monday and it would go away.
Don’t bother going to their website. Katrina wiped out the whole company. |
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BOMBAY BAD BOY NOODLES
Named after Vice cofounder Suroosh Alvi because he started wearing leather jackets and sunglasses, this instant noodle marks a drastic departure from his previous favorite noodle: Smack.
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CURITAS
The back of this box lists chromium and mercury among various other corrosive ingredients. No wonder they’re about a century behind us. The poor bastards are hurting.
Thanks to Barry Dubrow of Anchorage, AK
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PEARSON’S SALTED NUT ROLL
Vice editor Jesse Pearson is such a fag his mouth waters every time someone says the word “bag.” This is his favorite food and he gets a boner every time he eats it.
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STUFFED AIDS
There’s these guys that magnify their favorite microbes about one million times and then make stuffed animals out of them. They’re called Giantmicrobes and they make bad breath, the common cold, hepatitis, and, of course, HIV. Only they didn’t want to be accused of trivializing AIDS, so they gave the HIV microbe a red ribbon, which means that HIV feels terrible about itself and wishes it could be eradicated. How goth is that?
Go to giantmicrobes.com. Syphilis is the cutest.
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666 COUGH SYRUP
A lot of kids in Memphis like to put Sprite and gummi candy into cough syrup and sip it until the dextromethorphan fries their brain. That’s great when you’re 13, but what’s with Three 6 (get it?) Mafia coming out with songs like “Sippin’ on Some Syrup” and “Rainbow Colors,” where they tell you to put some “Jolly Ranchers in your cup”? Aren’t they like 40? What else do they do, hyperventilate in the boys’ bathroom?
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HOMOS SALAD
Last month was the Lies Issue and most of the Tidbits and DOs and DON’Ts were made in Photoshop. Sorry about that. I swear to God on my mother’s eyes we won’t do it again.*
We know we’ve shaken your faith in us but this Tidbit is real: An international typo that brought the Lebanese from the savviest Christians in the Middle East to a bunch of faggotarians simply by throwing a couple of Os at an UMU.
Thanks to Matt and Anja of Minneapolis, MN
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SHIT FROM HOMELESS PEOPLE
We bought this pile of Beatles quotes and three cassettes from a homeless man for $40. Sounds expensive, we know, but buying shit from crazy people is something you never regret. The art looks really good when you frame it (plus people think you’re deep when they see it on your wall) and the cassettes turned out to be him playing beautiful classical guitar and mumbling things like “I bet your band doesn’t know—‘She’s Too Fat for Me’ ” (which is an incredibly esoteric polka song from the 40s). Kind of makes you think: Crazy is just a cunt hair away from genius and there but for the grace of God go you.
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This month’s winner: MATCHING UNDERWEAR
To win your free subscription to Vice, send tidbits to VICE Magazine, 97 North 10th Street, Suite 202, Brooklyn, NY, USA 11211.
* Dear God: What I’m promising here is that we won’t ever deceive the readers with fake photographs again. Please do not blind my mother on some weird technicality like an ad or a black bar on someone’s eyes or some mistake that I wasn’t aware of. You’re all-knowing so you know what I meant by that promise and I don’t want anything to happen to her. Play fair.
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Anonymous, on Nov 7, 2009 wrote:
Hm-m-m, such a nice magazine were all the shit from over the world placed. Keep on | | Anonymous, on Jun 9, 2009 wrote:
golliwog candies!
if packaging in the us was that awesome, we’d have just about everything we need. | | Anonymous, on May 25, 2009 wrote:
sit on my face | | Anonymous, on May 6, 2009 wrote:
Tims makes the *best* Salt & Vinegar chips--and its amazing with Cabernet ;) | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Correction asshole: MUSICIANS benefit humanity. The industry benefits nobody but the industry. | | Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Fuck you Vice for promoting music theft and fuck snot-nosed whiny babies with an entitlement complex who cant shell out fucking 0.99 for a song you can play for the rest of your life and don’t care if they’re comlpetely destroying an industry that benefits humanity immeasurably. Cunts. | | crimewave, on Feb 8, 2009 wrote:
i recognized those xanax from a thumbnail. fuck. yeah. | | Anonymous, on Feb 5, 2009 wrote:
aw i love this | | Anonymous, on Feb 2, 2009 wrote:
i drove past sambo’s in santa barbara in april 2000 and everyone in the car had exactly the same reaction. the fact that there was a storm coming, so it looked like a ghost town just added to the "did we just drive back to the forties?" feeling. | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
nacism? | | Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
Don’t you know SHIT is the shit? | | Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
POT
"Me and my girl rolled about three joints before watching The Ring and oh my god did we ever get scared. bollocks !!!
smoke 3 joints and walk around glasgow | | Anonymous, on Nov 28, 2008 wrote:
bag hutch | | Anonymous, on Oct 31, 2008 wrote:
sink ma teef innit
| | Tiago, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
The eyedrops are not american | | Anonymous, on Sep 5, 2008 wrote:
That is not a "cheap slingshot" in the rattlesnake egg envelope. Spin the plastic or metal ring that is suspended by the two rubber bands and put it back in the envelope like that.. then, when someone opens the envelope it makes a loud noise (as the rubber bands unravel, spinning the button against the paper)and they yell and then everyone laughs. say duh, you cheap thief. | | Anonymous, on Jul 13, 2008 wrote:
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 11, 2008 wrote:
Edgy stuff!!!!!!!!!! | | Anonymous, on Jul 3, 2008 wrote:
I’ve been enjoying hot spotted cock for years. | | Anonymous, on Jun 22, 2008 wrote:
BOUDREAUX’S BUTT PASTE haha I saw that at work the other day and the bagger and I couldn’t stop laughing!
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