DRESS THE PART! - PART 1

This is the cult that attacked the Tokyo subway system with deadly sarin gas in 1995, killing 12 and at least somewhat fucking up close to 1,000 commuters.

Things are looser with these jokers since they’ve “turned a new leaf” and changed their name to Aleph, but if you want to look like an Aum monk or nun circa the halcyon sarin days, you’ll need a loose white tunic with a round collar, some matching yoga pants like leader Shoko Asahara’s, and a PSI (Perfect Salvation Initiation) unit to shock your brain waves into sync with the guru’s. Since the pants err on the side of no pockets, you may also want to pick up a nice, sturdy fanny pack to keep all your things in should they let you leave the compound with any of your belongings. If you want to go for the full Shoko look, make like the Angry Samoans and jam a fork in your eyes. The fucker’s blind.

Look, we can’t sum up the clusterfuck of doctrines that make up the Nuwaubians in a snappy little paragraph here. Just Google them and prepare to not understand a word of what you read.

Chief Nuwaubian pederast Malachi York updated the Nuwaubian dress code shortly before being trucked off to jail. Gone are the days of elaborate dashiki and sash ensembles, as aped by none other than Afrika Bambaataa. To pass yourself off as a “with it” adherent to the Factology of York now, all you need is a loose black tunic (called a budlah), some comfy black pants, and a black fez—which you ought to wear at all times (even in court). Of course, you can still feel free to go nuts with the homemade Egyptian god costumes at parades and ceremonies. The Nuwaubians are one of the few groups that have loosened the rules, so it’s your call.

This one is simple: Blue pants, blue flannel shirt or team jersey (bonus points for a team with “C” in their name, like UNC), a blue bandana, a blue cap, and a pair of British Knights [aka “Blood Killers”]. Now go kill someone wearing red.

This Latino version of the Crips looks exactly like those little Homies figurines. All you need are some blue plaid shirts, blue baseball jerseys, and a blue bandana on top of boxy khaki pants worn high up around the waist (kind of like Ed Grimley). Their main sign is the number 13 for M (for “eMe”/“Mexican Mafia”), but they consider all odd numbers their own. To make sure your allegiances are straight, you ought to wear the back of your hair rounded off, and put three creases in the back of all your shirts (odd numbers, remember?).

Same as Crips but switch blue to red and British Knights to Chucks (because C stands for “Crip killer”). The whole Bloods vs. Crips thing bears a striking resemblance to Dr. Seuss’ The Sneetches.

Men are supposed to wear dhotis (robes) over their kurtas (shirts), for women it’s saris (girl robes) over their cholis (girl shirts). Only married men wear the saffron robes. Everybody else is in all white and supposed to remain celibate. Both guys and gals wear necklaces made from tulasi wood (sacred to the Krishnas) and get up early to draw sacred markings in clay on their foreheads, arms, chests, and tum-tums. Men shave their heads except for a tuft of hair called a sikha, while women leave theirs long and just braid it (we wish they had a goofy name for it, but they just call it a braid). The sikha signifies single-minded devotion to the Krishna way.