We nearly used this piece as the intro to the issue. It would have worked well as a sensational “Welcome To Barra” piece. Thing is, it would have been totally unrepresentative of the islanders, who, on the whole, treated us amazingly well.

It’s like this. Ethnic diversity isn’t big in Barra. Of the 1,200 population, everybody is white. Before we came here we’d heard whispers of everybody being racist but, apart from the golly dolly we bought in the gift shop, we couldn’t see any proof of that. Plus, there were zero people of any other colour apart from white, so how can there be any active racism? Like socio-political, economic racism. So anyway, there was this one drunken guy, who shall remain nameless, who was looking at us weird and whispering about us the whole time we were there. The day before we left the island, he came up to us at the Craigard Bar and bought us half a round of drinks. He came and sat down with us and his opening gambit, after looking at Jamie, our Jewish photographer, was: “So what’s his name?”

Vice: His name is James.

Drunk guy: Aaaahah! I can’t believe it, I never met a coloured bastard called James. I feel sorry for coloured people. You’re a wee shite now fuck off, you black bastard.

But he’s a white Jew

He hasn’t got a big nose like the Jews. You don’t look like a fucking Jew boy. The thing about coloured women is they have beautiful skin, like “Oooh hello there!” [this is funny and makes the situation less tense].

His girlfriend is black but he’s white and Jewish

You’re a black bastard.

What?

Ach, you black bastard (stands up and rubs Jamie on the head, then turns to me). What nationality are you?

English. What nationality are you?

Hebridean. You’re a fucking arsehole. I’m Hebridean and we’re hard as nails. So fuck off. Rarrraghghghashssssh.

So Hebridean is separate from Scottish?

Aye. So what are you?

English.

Aaah. You’re a wanker. A wanker. A wanker. A wanker. (Turning to somebody else) He’s a wanker.

I’m trying to be a polite wanker

Aaah you’re a wanker. I’m Hebridean. English are arseholes. They’re arseholes. You look like you want to be Scottish but you can’t be. You’re an arsehole. Ach I’m only joking.

Okay.

VICE STAFF

COMMENTS

Subject: racism only makes sense to selfish twats Date: Feb 06 2006 04:04:36 PM Author: basket-ball those willing to be ignorant, those wishing to share no thing. we need more <a href="http://www.panda-man.info/w-o-r-d/">QUALI TY</a> - time only goes forward! anti-human ideas only live in medieval times, and they're gone already ... o-p-e-n y-o-u-r v-i-e-w-s enhance y-o-u-r inteligentsia! Subject: cencal Date: Feb 05 2006 04:11:15 AM Author: hdorff if there's something you shouldn't use the name emo for, it's the music. just pretend it isnt there and maybe it will go away. Subject: Multiculturalism sucks my cock Date: Feb 01 2006 04:56:01 PM Author: Black Jewish Gay Fuck it ... Subject: fun fun Date: Jan 31 2006 03:46:36 PM Author: liz ooomgggzz dont u just love drunk ppl Subject: WTF? Date: Jan 27 2006 08:07:01 PM Author: Monkey Some arsehole just made up this miserable 'sketch'??? What a load of crap Subject: gay Date: Jan 23 2006 12:36:54 AM Author: CenCal dont use the word emo to describe anything else besides that type of music, because thats just stupid. Subject: scottish racism Date: Jan 20 2006 05:43:34 PM Author: meh, v. similar to my own experieces of scottish racism, drunken 'emo' and wildy inaccurate... Subject: first Date: Jan 20 2006 08:21:36 AM Author: mr panda ths was fun to read b/c it was short i am not black either