DOS & DON'TS
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| When you’re over 25, you’re ready for a bit of droop factor in the tit department. Not sagging weasel heads but a cute little-brown nippled “fuck you” to the world of fake tits. Some girls know that and they send out secret boob messages from inside their jean jackets that make you want to buy a motorbike to take them on dates. |
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Fifteen years ago you were laughing at these girls in the hallway yet kind of thinking to yourself, “This doesn’t feel quite right. What kind of nerd is funny enough to have a hat that says ‘Horny and Hairless’?” Now you’re all grown up and you’re like, “Wait, you guys are amazing?” and they’re all, “Fuck you, nigga. You snooze, you lose.”
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| OK, from now on it’s about getting dressed wasted. That’s when you come up with shit like a Confederate-flag do-rag and zebra Zoobas or an embroidered yarmulke with a sex-positions skeleton shirt or yellow rubber boots with “George Bush engineered 9/11!” written on them in bubble letters. |
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See? It’s not rocket science. Bangs, minimal makeup, revealing top, ass-flattering pants, and then some basic nonsandal staples like high heels, Chucks, or even fucking cowboy boots. If you really love to shop you can buy an expensive bag or something, but making us horny for you costs about sixty bucks total.
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| If you’re a seven-foot-tall black man with Superman legs and an attack dog and you’re into really young chubby chicks, you need to take down the scary factor a little bit by dressing up like a cheery bowl of candies. That’s their Achilles’ heel. |
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| A lot of people criticize the founders of Vice for being too old to run a “youth culture” company, but I don’t know. I feel pretty good about myself. |
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| One of the most important rules about being magic (not an illusions guy but literally magic) is that you can’t do it out in public where humans can see you. Unless, of course, you could give two shits what people think, and if you want to make an invisible chair appear under your ass you’re going to make an invisible chair appear under your ass. That’s called “fuck-off attitude” magic. |
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| This guy’s ex-girlfriend kept trying to get us to put him in the DON’Ts because apparently he looks like a homeless Willy Wonka, but fuck that. When you work this hard on your look it shows that you’re not too cool for school, you’re not scared of being laughed at, and you’re here to participate, you know? He looks like Prince Pee Pee of the Discoputians or something and that’s a lot more than we can say for most people. |
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| There’s a special group of ladies out there that like a bit of “rude business” once in a while but they can’t announce it because most guys that are into delivering said rudeness are creeps. That’s the great thing about bruises. They are a silent wink to smart guys that says, “If you’re decent, I’d really like you to come over and do some pretty mean shit to me.” |
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| What is it about girls dressed as boys for Halloween that makes them even more feminine than if they had a dress on? I don’t know if it’s because it shows femininity is irrepressible, or maybe it’s because I’m secretly a fag, but whatever it means, get that fucking beard between my thighs right now. |
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| It’s cool to like poor people when they get older but right now, in their 20s it’s kind of hard to deny they are fucking losers. The way they dress at clubs with their fake tans and gelled hair and stupid expensive drinks they can’t afford. Who wouldn’t prefer some well-educated middle-class kids that know how to goof around in stupid outfits that took about five minutes to get together? It’s profoundly uncool to admit, but come on. |
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| We showed this picture to a girl and said “Humanah humanah, eh?” and she got all mad and said, “How can you like these girls? That Paris Hilton dress on the left was all over Us Weekly.” So we said, “Yeah!” and pretended to give a flying fuck what a magazine for fat people at the airport says. |
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