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| Photo from AP | | THE VICE GUIDE TO KILLING YOUR PARENTS - PART 3More reasons to hate them...
BILL CLINTON – THE FIRST BOOMER PRESIDENT
Boomers grew up without having to face true evil, unlike the generation before them (Hitler, Stalin and Mao) and our generation (Osama and co.). This ignorance of evil means Boomers don’t know the difference between right and wrong, and have a hard time spotting a bad guy when they see one. It was fine for a while, when the worst thing a Boomer without a moral compass could do was throw “swinger parties” and occasionally go off the rails like Charles Manson and Jim Jones. But things got serious when Bill Clinton, the “first Boomer president,” was elected. Not knowing the true face of evil meant he was unable to recognize the genocide in Rwanda until after a million innocent people were hacked to death with machetes. It also led to President Clinton not being able to recognize the threat of Osama bin Laden and killing him when he had the chance. There was even a White House memo that outlined the threat of bin Laden, which apparently had handwritten notes on it from President Clinton himself, dismissing the threat of bin Laden. We say “apparently,” because nobody will ever know for sure. See, last year, after being subpoenaed to the 9-11 Commission, Sandy Berger (Clinton’s National Security Advisor) snuck into the National Archives, stole those memos and shredded them (a crime for which he will be sentenced in September 05).
THEY TRIED TO BRING COMMUNISM TO AMERICA
Remember “Communes?” And the origin of the word “Communism” is…
When America was first settled, they tried the commune model, following the “from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs,” model. Unfortunately, it was such a total failure that by 1623 people were starving to death left and right and the future of the “new world” was in jeopardy. See, the problem with commune-ism is; there’s no motive to do things better and to work harder to deliver something of value to your fellow men. It never, ever, works. Just ask Russia (people waiting in line forever to get bread and toilet paper) and the Chinese (30 million dying from starvation thanks to Mao’s commie agricultural plan). Unlike the Russians or Chinese, when our forefathers saw that things weren’t working they changed, trying capitalism, private property, and individualism, rather than a system geared toward the “common good.” The result? The birth of the greatest, most powerful nation in the history of the world – which went on to create jazz, manned flight, and the computer. Commune-loving Boomers tried to get rid of all that in the 60s and 70s. Like all true communists, they failed.
MORE CLOGGING UP THE JOB MARKET
Boomers have been clogging the upper echelon of the job market for years. A 2002 Time magazine story entitled “Young and Jobless” put it this way; “Boomers are refusing to budge,” and “they are clogging up the system.” To make things worse, Boomers are now figuring out ways to live longer so they don’t have to give up that corner office to someone from our generation. Then, like actor Michael Douglas – bam – they’ll get old all at once like a ripcord’s been pulled, at which point we’re going to have to pay for the Boomers’ retirement through Social Security (it used to be that 16 workers supported 1 retiree. Today, 3 workers do, and in the future, only two of us will be supporting each retiree). Think of it as an extra set of grandparents living in your home, eating your groceries and sending you the bill for their nine thousand different pills – a bill you can’t pay, because you don’t have a job.
CLOGGING UP THE MUSIC BIZ
Boomers, clogging up the hierarchy of the music biz and Grammy Award voting structure, are responsible for choosing Steely Dan’s Two Against Nature as album of the year in 2001 (over Radiohead’s Kid A) and Bob Dylan’s Time out of Mind over Radiohead’s OK Computer in 1998. Then, in an attempt to cover their asses, they go overboard, trying to act all “hip” and “young.” Of course, they get it all wrong, picking Evanescence as Best New Artist in 2004 (how’s that career working out?) and Kylie Minogue for Best Dance Song (beating out Cher and Madonna, for added irony). These Boomer-clogged voting blocks also have no idea what black people actually listen to, consistently picking acts like Black Eyed Peas and Nelly for best hip-hop, and middle-of-the-road R&B artists like Beyonce. They’re like that weird old guy at a party bopping his head to the music (out of time) and trying to blend in. It’s creepy and uncomfortable.
THEY THINK TERRORISM IS SEXY
To many Boomers in the 1970s, members of the Weather Underground were heroes. Convinced that America’s presence in Vietnam was illegal, they engaged in a series of domestic attacks designed to overthrow the United States government. They waged street battles with police, bombed the Capitol building and broke Boomer icon Timothy Leary out of prison. Today, we call these sorts of people terrorists. In 2003, a documentary about this terrorist group was nominated for an academy award and fully embraced by Boomer film reviewers:
“A great story! The young, violent, and glamorous anti-establishment militants of the 1960s. Terrifically smart!”
-Elvis Mitchell, NY TIMES
These are the same people that conveniently forget Mandela went to jail for terrorism. His boys, the ANC were famous for bombing government buildings and delivering “tire necklaces” (when you put a gas filled tire around someone’s neck, light it, and laugh their head off).
Today, our university faculty rooms are filled with these hippie leftovers, preaching the gospel of their stoned and violent youth to the next generation. Todd Gitlin, former president of S.D.S. (a precursor to the Weather Underground) is now an author and professor of journalism at Columbia. Here’s what he had to say about the murdering terrorists of his youth: “‘Like Bonnie and Clyde, many of them were attractive personally. They were into youth, exuberance, sex, drugs. They wanted action.” And Osama is the epitome of tall, dark and handsome.
THEY STILL LOVE EASY RIDER
It’s extra sad when they buy all the gear, too. Then, they put their wives on the back of their hogs and drive cross-country with nothing but a MasterCard and whatever they can stuff into a pair of saddlebags. That means one change of clothes – for the entire country. That means everything, from day 2 onward, smells like Dad balls.
THEY STILL SMOKE POT
Boomers always have a bag of weed around the house and marijuana use among adults aged 45-64 is up a whopping 355%. This is great when you’re a kid, stealing enough for a joint, but halfway through smoking it, you’re like, “Damn, this is Mom’s high I’m feeling right now.” The good news is there’s been new evidence linking heart attacks to marijuana use. Doesn’t “marijuana-induced heart attacks” have a nice ring to it?
WOODSTOCK
At Woodstock #1, it rained buckets on Boomers, causing mudslides and the biggest outbreak of Trenchfoot since the second World War. At Woodstock #2 in 1994, it rained buckets on the sons and daughters of Boomers, causing mudslides and the biggest outbreak of Trenchfoot since Woodstock #1. By way of contrast, Toronto’s Gay Pride Day parade, as long as I can remember, has never – ever – been rained on. In fact, it’s always sunny and warm for the homos’ big day. That either means that God hates Boomer Hippies or God loves Fags. Likely both.
DRAFT DODGERS
Can you believe they’re actually building a monument to the more than 125,000 draft-dodging cowards who fled America to Canada between 1964 and 1977? The monument is being designed now, with plans to unveil it in Nelson, British Columbia in 2006. Early sketches of the statue include a fat idiot running away in a tie-dyed shirt while his brothers die on the battlefield, and a reclining bearded asswipe holding a joint and getting blown by a pair of buck-toothed Canadian girls.
MICHAEL SCROCCARO
CONTINUED:
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