DOS & DON'TS
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| A lot of guys talk a big feminist game but they “pussy out” when it comes time to really please a woman. If you truly care about the systematic and relentless oppression of women you will satisfy her whenever, WHENEVER she needs it. Even on acid at nine in the morning at Glastonbury in front of dozens of crusty British hippies who reek like shit. |
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When you hear us bitching about baby boomers and you start to wonder, “OK, who do they like then? Who’s the opposite of a baby boomer?” Well, how about this fucking pillar of steel? He’s in there. In the stench. Getting his hands dirty before anyone wakes up and ending his 12-hour shift at a dirty tavern drinking loud beers with some off-duty cop whose dad just died. This human rock is the reason you are alive.
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| Homemade shirts are the new silk-screened shirts. Especially when you have the wit to combine “I’m a fag and I don’t care” with “rich white kids’ infatuation with oppressed minorities is so fucking gay.” |
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But, let me ask you this: is it possible to like the “gay is the new black” guy AND this guy? They’re both proud of how they feel about dinks and neither of them give a shit if you think they’re assholes. I mean, isn’t that what the Western World was founded on?
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Man, when girls combine the slob thing with high fashion and they’ve got the stiletto boots with the sweats and the Fendi with the grandma jumper there’s just so much going on that looking at them is like reading your favorite comic book.
(Note Bill’s shoe jumping in there at the last minute going, “Hey, we have pieces of flare too you know.”) |
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| Here’s something I bet you didn’t know: Mexicans are funny. Apparently the majority of the ones we see every day are Northern Mexicans (those are the ones with that drawn-out Cheech Marin accent), and a big thing with those guys is fucking around and being hilarious. Like Miguel’s drunk uncle over here walking down the street in a C-3PO belt buckle. Check it out next time you’re on the subway if you don’t believe me. They’re always punching each other and giggling about some riff. |
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| These girls are from that magical Ghost World time in your life where everyone in your suburb was a “sellout” and you would take the bus to the city every Saturday to buy a Ramones shirt and some used records and you’d maybe even let the guy from the Explosion finger you in the bathroom of CBGB. It was corny but cool. |
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| Yeah, he’s an arrogant uptown fuckface that liked American Psycho but check out those white rims. He gets that you hate him and he likes that. And no, that’s not a tiny drop of pee in your panties. It’s your body trying to tell you that you are attracted to this. |
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| Wearing jean shorts under a jean skirt can get a bit too jeany, so you may have to get genius on your ass (literally) and rig up something really fucking brilliant like this. It makes my tummy feel weird to look at, like the Smarties in the mentally-ill DON’T, but in a good way. |
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| While white grandfathers sit in their own stench on a ratty old beige chair eating bad fish and circling the shows they want to watch that night, black grandfathers are going to meetings with the Retiree Board of Directors and seriously hoping Shelly is there because she STILL has a great ass. |
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