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Cover photo by Roe Etheridge
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 DON'T EAT SWINE
Keeping It Real in NYC
Guy in the middle: So a little bit of science behind the swine is that it's way back, you know what I'm saying, when the caveman was around and, straight up and down, they say the caves were dirty. So they crossbreeded a snake, a cat, a rat, and a dog. ...READ MORE |
  WHAT'S UP
Meet a mare in heat and a gnarly stallion
HORSING AROUND
We wanted to find out where horses come from, so we went to this breeding facility in Argentina. They do the whole artificial-insemination process there, with a mare in heat and a stallion. First they put her in the middle of a field so ...READ MORE |
 MUTT POWER!
Mixed Blood Is Stronger
Nazis are always flipping out about race mixing and how bad it is. They say it's going to make us all one big homogenous blob and it will be the end of culture blah blah. The truth is that less than 1 percent of white Americans marry outside their race. The qu...READ MORE |
 DEAR DIARY
Entry: January 1994
Jessie's Dog, Ralph, died and I feel so sad for her. It just reminds me of the whole RT episode and how the more I think about it, the more I think RT is such a cruel person. It makes me see how that whole scene is so hypocritical and everyone just kisses RT's...READ MORE |
 HAMMERHEADS MY ASS
Fuck Darwin!
Humans assume that the natural world has some sort of preplanned design to it. Humans are wrong. Nature sprang from a little thing I like to call "chaos." There is no grand plan, unexplainable mutations happen, and that's that. (Oh, and PS, there is no afterli...READ MORE |
 DOS & DON'TS
OK, it may be lame to talk about New York in the "good old days" but how about these Bernie Goetz-fuggedaboudit-been-to-Bellevue-been-to-jail-in-your-face tough guys that were here when the subways were still made of wood? Rich people don't want them at partie...READ MORE |
 SKIN'S BEST FRIEND
Beasts Working Together
The quest for a good, legal weapon has been of paramount importance to Berlin's neo-Nazi skins since, like, forever. Guns? Knives? No way-those will land you in the clink faster than you can say gesundheit, especially if you've got a bald, gleaming pate.
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 DOS & DON'TS COMPETITION
One time, me and my cousins were in Hawaii at the water slides, and we saw Warwick Davis (the guy who played Willow in that movie) and we were peaking on mushrooms and he shot down the tube headfirst and all the kids started cheering like fucking crazy!!! Her ...READ MORE |
 RAT HUNTING
New York's Newest Sport
Rats are everywhere. They eat our garbage, they live in our walls, they have entire generations that grow old under the city, and now the fuckers are even coming out of our toilets. So why are the hicks the only ones that get to hunt? Because deer are annoying...READ MORE |
 HEY, DOG OWNERS
Fuck You
Last year we did an article called "All Cats Must Die" where we warned cat owners that their pets' insatiable appetite for birds was about to cause an animal-nerd war. It made girls who work at hipster video stores scream at our employees about "animal cruelty...READ MORE |
 GROSS JAR
Having run out of human emissions and discharges to deposit in the gross jar, we were left wondering-what could we possibly do with this repulsive pile of sludge? We decided it was time for people to interact with the jar on a more personal level. To that end,...READ MORE |
 MAKE-ROVERS
Cleaning Up a Stray
If there's one enduring symbol of pure, off-the-grid living, it is most definitely the street dog. Fuckin' getting by on his natural wits, answering to no one, crashing under the stars every night-this is the way life was meant to be. Shit, I bet God himself s...READ MORE |
 I'M BUSTED
At FCI Gilmer, in the hills of West Virginia, a flock of wild geese lands in the yard every morning to eat bugs in the grass. They leave goose shit all over the yard. There's also a dude who prisoners call the Birdman at Gilmer. Unlike his namesake, the Birdma...READ MORE |
 TWO-FACED!
When Breeding Goes Real, Real Wrong
Sire a living, breathing two-faced kitten and the NY Post and the Drudge Report will beat a path to your door. Let your two-faced kitten die, and you have two choices: Bury it in the backyard or put its body up on eBay with a starting bid of $10,000.
"T...READ MORE |
 LITERARY/I WANT MY DVDS
Book/Movie Reviews - The Animals Issue
CATHOLIC NO. 1: CATS
Call me biased, but fuck I have really outdone myself on this one. I just reached around to pat myself on the back, but I am such a bloated tick of ego and accomplishment...READ MORE |
 WORST BAND NAME EVER?
Introducing... Arctic Monkeys
When The Libertines imploded and all the kids from the Whitechapel indie-rock scene got sick of paying Pete Doherty's crack dealers to watch him busk sock-footed in his filthy apartment, they hit the internet message boards and found Arctic Monkeys.
T...READ MORE |
 SKINEMA
By Chris Nieratko
ASS WATCHER 3
There are exactly 28 10" x 10" square tiles leading from the entrance of the men’s locker room at my gym to the bathroom. After that there are 19 2" x 2" tiles until you get to the urinals; 14 if the “big guy” ones are taken and you h...READ MORE |
 DOG RAGAS
MV/EE Get Groovy
Dogs can have really special and intense energy-they are organically connected to the primal spirit of the wolf, the lone hunter that roams the dark corners of the world. I think that all people should try and cultivate more wolf energy in themselves nowadays....READ MORE |
 TIDBITS
A Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Animals Issue
ASS SOAP
This French soap made by Sabonete Artesanal (combining the words "artesan" meaning artisan and "anal" meaning anal) uses the healing power of the herb anise and the marketing power of making soap look like a big ass. The result is a beuaty...READ MORE |
 BEAR NECESSITIES
TBA Prefers Horses and Dogs
Georgian musician Tusia Beridze is 25 and from that country's capital city, Tbilisi. She recently moved to a place in the countryside near Cologne in Germany with her partner Thomas Brinkmann, the famous techno guy. On her new album as TBA, Annulé, Tusia has m...READ MORE |
 BIRD MAN
Duke Da God Flies High
It seems that with every issue, we promise never to talk about the Diplomats anymore. But if the conversation veers toward the animal kingdom, how can we not? For one, Cam'ron's most quotable quote is that he "lives in a zoo with a pet cemetery in his closet."...READ MORE |
 CAGED TIGERS
Exotic Pet Owners Stand Their Ground
These bobcats live in big outdoor pens (up to a quarter acre) and cat rooms in Lynn Culver's house in the mountains of West Arkansas. The ones raised from when they were little are tame, the others are "not affectionate."...READ MORE |
 THE CYCLE OF LIFE
Water to Beef to Shit and Back
You learned in first grade about the magic of the food chain, right? Algae gets eaten by flies get eaten by frogs get eaten by crocodiles get eaten by people get eaten by God, and so on. But that is grossly outdated. Modern life has a different set of way stat...READ MORE |
 HOME DOG SURGERY 101
My dog goes into these fits of intense floor licking. Mostly because he's a puppy mill dog, I assume. On one occasion he happened to lick and swallow a sewing needle. The thing got lodged in his throat and looked like a huge fucking tumor from the outside. I ...READ MORE |
 ELECTRIC INDEPENDENCE
In Aix-en-Provence at the start of June, the only animals I really noticed were lizards, other than stacks of birds whose names I can never recall, and last time I checked they're reptiles. During the daytime, they darted across the terracotta walls by the swi...READ MORE |
 GREATEST HITS
Of The Animal Liberation Front
Muslim terrorists who blow Londoners to pieces on the way to work are cowardly fucking turds.
But what if there was a group of terrorists who never physically harmed humans? And the only reason they did exciting terrorist things like blowing up cars and s...READ MORE |
 GAMES
God Of War, Fantastic Four & Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction
GOD OF WAR
Considering the dictionary definition of the word “fantasy” is: “imagination unrestricted by reality”, isn’t it depressing how most “fantasy” games are the most unimaginative and restricted pieces of poo-poo and pee-pee in the universe? ...READ MORE |
 DON'T MUCK ABOUT
Mitchell Bros Stand Up For Britain
Stupid animalistic behaviour almost fucked up the Mitchell Brothers' career. After mugging Mike Skinner for his phone number at a cash point, Teddy Mitchell got pissed and forgot to retrieve his mobile from the hands of a woman he was trying to shag in The Ten...READ MORE |
 GRIMEWATCH
The biggest news this month is that Run The Road 2 should be out soon on 679...READ MORE |
 ROTTING IN HELL
How I Learnt to Live With Maggots
Three years ago I got a job in a lab researching animal behaviour. I figured that my initiation would involve something along the lines of drinking a beer bong or skolling a few shots of Jaeger. It never even occurred to me that it might include me submerging ...READ MORE |
 I WANT MY DVDS
Mythbusters: Vol 1,2 & 3, Moog, Haack-The King Of Techno, Rubber Jonny, Palindromes, The Great Rock 'N' Roll Swindle...READ MORE |
 PURE BRED
Brothers of the Occult Shine
People will tell you that Australia is the lucky country for a variety of reasons, one being that, as we are so isolated, we benefit from an unbiased appreciation of music from all over the world. Others will complain that this merely creates a bland, unorigin...READ MORE |
 WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?
Jamie Lidell Bares His Soul
Jamie Lidell is like a caged animal that has been given too many amphetamines in some sort of lab experiment. He is a manic genius who did great things for techno, back when techno was still exciting, both by himself and with Cristian Vogel as Super-Collider. ...READ MORE |
 MANIPULATING PIG
Children Collide Play Animals
Everyone loves playing with animals. It's heaps of fun and you get to romp with the most bizarre living things on the planet and they generally don't hurt you too much. Yet, it seems some people aren't content merely playing with an animal, but feel the need t...READ MORE |
 DOOMSDAY METAL
Here's a beastly tale we heard recently; In Satan's year 2004 Swedish Nifelheim were set to play Sweden Rock Festival. Like the True Black Metal soldiers they are, they had ordered a deluge of pig blood to pour over their audience. But the night before the con...READ MORE |
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