DOS & DON'TS

Yelling shit from cars is primarily for drunken jocks and other people who haven't gotten over high school but you've got to admit that it's extremely easy and feels guiltily satisfying when you screech away. It's like the beating-off-to-Bangbus of insults. Comments/Enlarge | See all

It's about time the Natural History Museum's tit-makers started taking their cues from back issues of Cheri. That said, let's all pray to God they found a more recent source for the crotches. Comments/Enlarge | See all

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IN THE MAGAZINE


Photo by Gabriella Marks

GYM MONKEYS

Love Steroids

Newspapers and pro athletes who get busted and then cry shame and say they hate steroids are LIARS.

Steroids rule. Why? I’ll tell you fucking why:

1) You only need to sleep three hours a night

2) Get the combination right and you can fuck 10 times a night (seriously). Right now there’s a new gym monkey cocktail of Viagra and the steroid deca-durobolin which’ll make your dingle lift weights.

3) Your thoughts become like laserbeams

4) You feel largely indestructible and your sense of well-being increases to pathologically high levels.

5) Recuperative time for just about ANYTHING? About five minutes.

So go to Mexico, Italy, Southern France, Spain, where for a few dollars more you can bribe pharmacies and get your hands on anything injectible (curiously enough for very complicated reasons the ones you inject are healthier than the pills).

Just take $200 with you and prepare to smuggle the. You usually get them in a glass vial which fit nicely into a pack of cigarettes.

If you’re a coward, buy them online but be prepared to be ripped off and purchase dodgy quality. Usually $200 of “juice” will last you for 12 weeks of rollercoaster fun.

Cautions:

1) If you’re a woman you’ll have 12 weeks of freaky sex crazed fun. And then you’ll wake up and discover you’re a man. Complete with a micro-cock that used to be your clitoris. This is now forever.

2) If you’re a man your balls will shrink. But they come back in about 30 days. I promise.

3) Beware of approximately 2 weeks of crushing depressions after cessation of use.

Note: I didn’t mention weightlifting at all. Like Hamburger Helper, steroids are just FINE, without the hamburger.

EUGENE ROBINSON
See more photos here.

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