Spring has come, and our former rat deficiency has blossomed like a patch of verminous rhododendron into an overwhelming abundance. In addition to the sandwich bag full of feeder rats that was delivered a week too late and packed in blankets rather than dry ice, our office has been blessed by the appearance of a whole scampering troop of cat-size rodents. The mailroom is basically a petting zoo with a postage meter.

In the Gross Jar, our first rat tried to impress his new friends by splitting his front from crotch to chin and letting his organs hang down into the thick orange brine while his empty skin and skeleton floated on top. A-fucking-dorable.

While all the women in the office were swooning over this cuddle parade, it occurred to us: What better way to celebrate this pointy-nosed bounty than with the addition of fresh human menses to the Jar?

Considering that this magazine runs on a monthly schedule, one could only assume that it would be pretty easy to collect some fresh uterine leavings in time for print. But conveniently enough (quotey quote), none of the office girls’ regular oozing synced up with the deadline, so the job had to be outsourced to one Vice staffer’s ultra-accommodating girlfriend.

After a night of barely avoiding toxic shock syndrome, our surrogate menstruess dropped off a Ziploc bag containing what was only distinguishable as a tampon by the millimeters of white braid somehow left uncaked in brick-red mung.

Allowed a lawnmowing mask as a concession to the Jar’s sun-charged springtime bouquet, our staff member plucked his girlfriend’s bloody plug out of its bag, and in one impressive, fluid motion yanked the cap off the Jar, crammed the tampon into the rat’s flimsy skin balloon until it was fully submerged in the liquid, and slammed the cap back in place. The whole operation took maybe five seconds.

“I started to hesitate for just a second once I had the lid off,” he said, panting heavily after darting back into the office, “but then the smell got into my mouth, and I wasn’t even breathing. I think I still might puke.” Asked about the exact nature of the stench, the staffer could only respond with suppressed gags and muttered abstractions like ‘cancer’ and ‘deathrot.’ The tampon rose buoyantly to the surface of the Jar immediately after the transaction and has been floating there the past four days, slowly slaking off tiny red chunks and tinting the surrounding water a pleasant crimson.

VICE STAFF

COMMENTS

Subject: Fun Stuff Date: Jan 22 2007 03:36:59 AM Author: Josh My brothers and I made one of those and we packed the shit into balloons the best we could and threw them at people. We have another one brewing under the house. Mostly it's just gross food & throw up. Subject: Just for stinks Date: Oct 20 2005 04:20:52 PM Author: Silly urine sauted toe nail clippings , cigarrette or two, picture of jane fonda, head-cheese and placenta bits, cup of pimple puss, butthole hair and or ass hair and maybe a few bits of fabric, your choice. Subject: yeast Date: Jun 30 2005 09:33:30 AM Author: already Too bad I suggested yeast when the jar was first started....I figured unpasturized beer would be good too. But by now I think all that crap in there is no environment for yeast to do its thing. What they need now are some chemicals. A little sulfuric acid to break it all down, some Drano always makes things fun, any industrial strength cleaner would do, paint thinner, a tub of Elmers glue anyone (that shit stinks to begin with). Subject: asadaw Date: Jun 30 2005 09:20:39 AM Author: jack nips yeah the yeast thing is a good idea, it will go fucking bonkers, probably get some botchillism in there and the jar will shatter...time bomb Subject: please pick me Date: Jun 28 2005 05:19:59 AM Author: starving i'd pay to have a day with that jar all to myself in a closed room Subject: the pure goodness of a bloody fetus Date: Jun 28 2005 05:07:31 AM Author: starving it's the stupid little things that you really miss..that jar seems to describe the smell of a fetus i once blended up and told my step-dad was his protein shake. he didn't drink that shit, though i wish my farts smelled like the jar, then i could pull fast ones on people in the grocery store or on the subway right when i step off Subject: Wow Date: Jun 24 2005 03:33:42 PM Author: Haterade See, when people do a gross jar it's only natural to have a use in mind for it. Remember a couple of years ago you had an entire Don'ts dedicated to that medieval festival in Quebec? I say you guys rent a helicopter and drop it on them (with the jar wrapped in lit M-80's) and see those fuckwads scatter like the rats contained within. That would be dope. Either that or you could pay a reader....hold a contest or some shit....and get them to sit in a room with it open for a day and write an article about it, see what comes out. Or make them sit in there until the article's done to yall's liking. Subject: Dangerous Date: Jun 24 2005 10:35:53 AM Author: Pariah This jar thing is getting out of hand,you gonna start some kind of new disease that wipes out the man of kind.You think maybe bacteria o different strains neutralise each other or just bond to form really nasty life threating micro organisms? anyway...oh my god,don`t you think?! Subject: .. Date: Jun 23 2005 03:55:59 AM Author: zinc I would like to see that roach idea...i think it would live Subject: ew Date: Jun 22 2005 12:52:43 AM Author: That weird black chick Add maggots and see if they succumb to the evil that is contained within the jar...or will they consume the contents since they live on putridity. Subject: sell it Date: Jun 19 2005 11:04:09 AM Author: egh auction it off. it worth tons in sentiment, but to the non sentimental, you could pitch it as a great was for doctors, nurses, and morticians to be to learn to 'mouth breathe'. You know, if they can handle the gross jar sans lid, than nurse cratchet to be can wipe an ass no probalo. Subject: ass to mouth transfer Date: Jun 18 2005 09:18:30 PM Author: jarhead I have some great ideas but they're all contingent on a bigger jar Subject: a touch of hairy goodness Date: Jun 18 2005 06:33:23 PM Author: helsinkicityboi you know when your bathroom sewer gets like really blocked, and nothing goes through, but instead floats your bin floor really nicely? well, usually the reason for this is the overload of hair and other shit in the sewer, atleast if you're a fucking hippie or something. now, when you open the sewer, you know, by sticking your hand or fingers down there somewhere, and you find the blockade, and you pull it up, and what you get is a big hairy lump of black whatnot, and it smells like your ass after a shit in the pants plus not washing it for a week, and you just want to fucking eat that batch of home brewn shitpudding? well don't, instead stick it in the Gross Jar. Might not be the fuckest thing there, but it'll sure add a nice touch to it for sure. Subject: i like pie Date: Jun 17 2005 12:10:44 PM Author: hot carl the species you create in there is going to take over the world Subject: gross jar Date: Jun 14 2005 01:57:54 AM Author: sharon Yes! Finally a stank tampon! It makes the boys say 'ew' and get all squirmy. Funny. Seriously though, if that jar busts--and it's going to--you guys are gonna need a biohazard team. Subject: Consider a possible gross barrel Date: Jun 13 2005 04:02:22 PM Author: SF Matt I propose that you pick up an empty 20 gallon oil drum, coat the bottom of it with a healthy layer of mayonnaise, have everyone in the office piss and/or shit into, and then put a lid on it and leave it out in the sun for a week or two. After that hold some kind of party, get as many people completely smashed as you can and then open the Jar and dump it into the drum. And then just for fun let everyone in the immediate area puke into the barrel. Or not wanting to puke into the source of their nausea…hand out complimentary paper bags for people to puke into and then dump those into the new receptacle. Whatever you decide will be for the best, I’m sure. Subject: jar Date: Jun 11 2005 09:55:57 PM Author: //// how bout adding the guys pelvic Goiter from the 'don'ts' in there ? Subject: english rats Date: Jun 11 2005 12:12:12 PM Author: smashed crayons the whole cocktail sounds delish. Subject: gross jarness Date: Jun 11 2005 01:01:13 AM Author: gordio once my friend left a jar of mayo and milk in his closet for what he claimed to be four years. after I smelt it i said it couldn't have been over two. then I realized I was puking all over his floor. this fucking article rules. and dead rats are hilarious. Subject: Schlep-schlep-schlep Date: Jun 10 2005 07:57:26 PM Author: Justin I love the gross jar. I have done this in the past, just not to this extent. You should find some way to put a tumor in there. And I agree about the scratch-and-sniff idea. That's brilliant. Subject: sick Date: Jun 10 2005 12:38:38 AM Author: sick is anyone else ready to puke? This article is fucking gross dude. Seriously, a used tampon? what the fuck? You people need to grow up. LCD Soundsystem is gay. So is bloc party. So is the 80's revival. Vice is ghey. Subject: yum Date: Jun 09 2005 04:02:13 PM Author: mb please turn this gross jar thing into a reality show where someone gets paid money to drink that shit. Subject: Imminent Explosion Date: Jun 09 2005 10:07:01 AM Author: Hanae I know there is no fear in Viceland, but aren't you concerned that it will explode? Honestly, I don't think that's worth anything in the world. Certainly not a teeny little column in the back pages. I suggest safety precautions or an insurance option for the at-risk staff. Subject: the end Date: Jun 08 2005 03:44:19 PM Author: mungster the crowning ending for this series is when your adorable band of fukwits keel from that biohazard Subject: gnar gnar Date: Jun 08 2005 11:21:17 AM Author: hello take the label off of the jar Subject: yogurt Date: Jun 08 2005 06:36:34 AM Author: deemonie yogurt Subject: ummm Date: Jun 08 2005 02:09:22 AM Author: Smelly McSmellerton and people wonder where zombies come from... Subject: mmm good Date: Jun 07 2005 08:18:33 PM Author: The Stoke intestines from a small animal... That shit stinks soooo bad. Get a meat eating animals intestines and your sure to find Jah. Subject: Skratch´n´Snif Date: Jun 07 2005 10:01:39 AM Author: Voiceover Artist Definitely scratch and sniff it, give samples to the people who are on your mailing list Imagine the publicity Subject: YEAST Date: Jun 06 2005 10:55:20 PM Author: ellen i totally bet if you put yeast in there it would spawn a new species. Subject: addition to gross jar Date: Jun 06 2005 05:29:14 PM Author: beaker I think you should add some fresh, live bakers yeast to the jar this month to give the jar LIFE! Subject: i think Date: Jun 06 2005 04:01:14 PM Author: j e s s e i predict that one fungus or mold will gain a strong hold in the jar and take over everything else, leaving it a pure solid single type of grossness Subject: I made one way back! Date: Jun 06 2005 03:06:57 PM Author: milky When I was in Grade 7, I was a huge science nerd. I put charcoal, vinegar, and various other chemicals I had in my chemistry set (yes chemistry set) and put it all in a screw top can. 'Fart in a can' was the working title. The plan was to sneak it into the teachers desk, when we all went outside for recess. Unfortunately it had rained that day so we stayed inside. With the putrid stench and bomb like nature sitting in my backpack, I had to make a quick decision so I slipped it under my shirt and made my way to the bathroom and dropped the whole thing in the garbage. 20 minutes later we were standing out in the rain while the Fire Department tried to figure out where the possible gas leak was coming from. Subject: more goodies Date: Jun 06 2005 01:43:05 AM Author: fresh add a heaping spoonful of smegma next month if you can find a willing smegmee ready to admit his hygienic disorder. or even yeast infection secretion!!!! or if possible try to obtain circumsion clippings >8D Subject: geee-roooooohoooossssss Date: Jun 03 2005 11:42:48 PM Author: fanfuckingtastic vice's best ever idea! Subject: Its that woo-woop Date: Jun 03 2005 09:21:31 PM Author: Bubb Rubb Put a cockroach in there, see if they can actually survive the apocalypse or whatever (although Gross Jar is worse than the apocalypse so who knows) Subject: ... Date: Jun 03 2005 03:52:11 PM Author: fucker please, please, please drop that fucking jar from a roof as soon as it's finished. Subject: how much now? Date: Jun 03 2005 03:26:16 PM Author: emily can we have a check list of sorts, so we all know what's been dumped in there so far? (i'm surprised the composition of the glass hasn't started to completely break down.) Subject: jar Date: Jun 03 2005 12:35:34 PM Author: Eric get some radiation on that thing..put it in the microwave or something... Subject: iowa Date: Jun 03 2005 10:57:23 AM Author: sativa you should pour some bacardi 151 in it just to see what that does. Subject: Gross Date: Jun 03 2005 08:07:42 AM Author: MikeSnake Fucking ace! You guys are sick. With this gross jar you're really giving consideration to the readers' requests. Outdoing yourselves month after month with the gross jar. Nice. Subject: have mercy Date: Jun 03 2005 06:50:35 AM Author: Jon I want to open up the Gross Jar and fuck the inside of it vigorously. Subject: webcam Date: Jun 03 2005 01:56:07 AM Author: Jeff You guys should really put a fucking webcam on it so we can all look at it live. They are cheap as hell and you've got the hosting, what is your excuse? I bet it would even hit all the "hot blogs" and your advertisers would love you for it. Subject: yeah Date: Jun 02 2005 10:40:39 PM Author: mikey i mean, you guys already washed that fox's hair in placenta shampoo a couple issues back.. now its time for a fetus if the jar's not spawning one yet. on a side note, you should somehow bottle the stench and put it in the magazines like a perfume sample... like where you pull the little flap over and rub it on your neck Subject: delicious Date: Jun 02 2005 10:19:25 PM Author: Adam Phoenix i bet it smells like jersey Subject: next up Date: Jun 02 2005 07:57:12 PM Author: paul Sea monkeys? I´d love to see how tough those things really are. Subject: cottage cheese Date: Jun 02 2005 05:32:42 PM Author: digduggler If you're going to add vaginal excretions, why not a bit of yeast? Subject: . Date: Jun 02 2005 04:20:21 PM Author: . you guys might die if you inhale that stuff. its obvioulys toxic by now Subject: will drnk Date: Jun 02 2005 04:08:38 PM Author: STENCHcunt ILL DRINK IT IF I CAN FUCK GROIN JUNKIE Subject: gross jar Date: Jun 02 2005 02:33:33 PM Author: under educated bring it to a boil add feta cheese and half finger from wendy chilli.... Subject: more Date: Jun 02 2005 12:08:14 AM Author: pictures we have got to have more pictures... fucking come on... maybe some flash animation thing where you can drag around with the mouse and get a 360 degree view gross jar 4ever Subject: I want a... Date: Jun 01 2005 05:16:13 AM Author: Bob from Iceland Scratch n sniff! Scratch n sniff!! Subject: AWESOME. Date: Jun 01 2005 01:02:13 AM Author: Cayla My friends and I used to make gross jars back in elementary school! This is exciting! You guys have taken it to a level we could only dream of acomplishing. Subject: mogul Date: May 31 2005 11:53:18 PM Author: raisin Is it weird that I want to smell it? Vice should let people get a whiff, you selfish bastards. Subject: Hate Date: May 31 2005 05:27:14 PM Author: Allah Cadabrah I Love it. The first thing I read.